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“I thought Lacey said you own a bar? What type of business do you do?”
This is the usual response I get when I say I’m at the office. Hell of a cover. “Actually, that’s the name of the bar.”
“Oh. Strange name for a bar. Anyway, an emergency came up. Could you keep an eye on Jacob for ten minutes? Shay is on her way. She’ll stay until Lacey gets here to pick him up.”
“Sure, I can do that.”
“Thank you.”
Not even ten minutes later, Shay arrives. We are standing face-to-face for the first time in over five years. The tension rises fast after the greetings.
I clear my throat, doing a quick scan of the nearly empty kitchen. “Shay.”
“It’s been a long time since you ran out on my sister.” I see we’re going straight for the jugular today.
“There was more to it than that, and you know it.”
“I don’t think so. He broke her spirit. You broke her heart.”
I know I messed up. I don’t need her reminding me of how I let her down. At the time, I couldn’t be the man she needed. I was young. She was even younger. I didn’t know how to come to grips with what happened. I felt as if it was my fault in some way. I was filled with overwhelming pain and anger, not just at him, but also with myself. The pain was morphing into something ugly that I could scarcely get hold of.
“Shay, I had to step away. You don’t understand. I couldn’t stay.”
She looks at me, not believing a word I say. It’s pissing me off. I’m trying my hardest to bite my tongue, but she’s making it really hard. She doesn’t know the hell I went through, losing the girl I loved. Seeing her suffer, not able to do a damn thing to bring her the peace she needed. I was useless to her, and I knew it.
“If anyone should have checked out, it should have been her.”
“Shay, when I left, she couldn’t deal with it, either.”
“But she did. Without you.”
Grasping the edge of the counter, I lean down closer to her, angrier than I’ve been in a long time. “There is a lot I could say. I won’t. Let’s let this go and be civil to each other. There’s enough blame to go around.” I look at her pointedly.
She raises her voice to say something, but stops when someone comes in to get a bowl and two bags of chips.
“I hope you’re both enjoying the party as much as the kids?”
“I am, Tracy.” I turn my head, smiling. She’s been a great host. “Do you need help with those?”
“I have it all under control. You guys might want to hurry on back. The clown’s about to start his show, and he likes to include us parents in the fun and games.”
“Lucky you, parents. I guess it's fortunate for me I'm not a parent,” Shay says, head down, a hint of her usual sarcasm.
“I know. But I thought it would be something to try to keep us entertained, as well as the kids.” She smiles, leaving the room.
“You blame me, don’t you? For leaving her there.”
I sigh pushing off the counter. “Not blaming anyone but the sick asshole who did it.”
“Yeah, right. If I could take that night back, I would. I would have never gone. I would have kept her safe and protected her.”
“I know. We all wish we did things differently that night.”
“I used to be so selfish. I thought a lot about myself, and not much about other people. That night changed everything. Plus, Jacob. I love that kid. I didn’t know how I would feel when he was born, but it all came together. So did we, as a family.” She raises her head. As vulnerable as I’ve ever seen her. “Don’t take it apart.”
“I’m not trying to do that.”
“I use to be the screw-up in the family. I could never get it right. I decided to live by my own rules: If you can’t make everyone else happy, make yourself happy. That’s what I did. That night was my most selfish act of all, the result of everything I did that month, leading up to that night.” She looks down shaking her head. “Anyway, I’m not that person anymore. Now I’m the dependable one. I still have my streak, that’s what makes me the cool, loveable aunt, but I’m a better person. A better sister, a better friend, a better daughter.”
Almost as if she wants to cry, the vulnerability rolls off her. I don't know this Shay— she’s the one few, if any, get to see. She turns away, and I hold her arm. “The night you left she said...if he doesn’t love me, who will?”
“That night...It changed a lot of things for everyone. If you would have told me I was going to leave her, I would have told you that you were crazy. That I would never walk away from her. How wrong I would have been.”
She pulls away, and I see her hand move across her face as she walks away. I understand; we’ve all cried.
