AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Then
I rest my head onShay’s shoulder in the drab hospital room, while she strokes my hair, holding me in her arms. She fights for me and the little life I’ve been assigned to. She is our advocate, with all the fire and rage I can’t seem to pull together for myself and him. She’s fighting for us.
“Go out there and tell them, Mom. She doesn’t want to do it. She changed her fucking mind. If you don’t tell them, I swear to God, I’ll do it.”
“Shay, don’t. You’ll destroy those people. They had their hearts set on this. They would make excellent parents to this baby. Don’t do this to them. They’ve been disappointed and hurt so many times.”
“What about your daughter? How many times is she going to be hurt? She’s not giving this baby up. She said no. She wants this baby; there is no way in hell I’m going to let anyone leave this hospital with him.”
“Why can’t you see I’m trying to save her?” my mother’s angry voice rises.
“Her or yourself? Look at him, look at him goddamn it! Then tell me you could blindly give away your grandson without so much as a look.”
“You always think you know so much better, Shay. You don’t.”
“I don’t. You’re right.” She holds on to me, lowering her voice, still holding me tight. “I’m just listening to what she wants. Seems I’m the only one listening.”
Givingbirth felt like he was being ripped out of me. I screamed and screamed and screamed like I never have before. He was my baby, and yet it was as if Perfect Smile was assaulting me again, because he was a part of him. It was a bloody mess. By the time it was finished, they said I might not be able to have kids again. I didn’t care. They asked if I wanted to see him, and I said no.
But then he started crying. That cry did something to me. It was a desperate cry, something I recognized. A cry for life, the same as mine that horrific night. He called to me, and I listened and looked. And I knew he was as much mine as anyone else’s. He was mine.
“Hey, heard about last night.”
“You did?” I say, sitting next to Shay on the couch after letting her in.
“You didn’t listen to me and come home on time. Morning came, and the carriage turned into a pumpkin that dropped you hard on your ass. Now you have to explain to little man why his best friend’s dad has your name on his breast but isn’t his daddy.”
“Don’t make fun, Shay.”
“I’m not.”
I lean my head on her shoulder, and she puts her arm around me. “I told him I’d tell him who his dad was some day. He’s going to keep asking. I should have listened to the therapist and slowly mentioned things to him as he asked questions. But I couldn’t.” It’s easy for someone to tell you what you should do, but they are not the ones that have to do the seemingly possible but impossible.
“How should I have started? ‘You really shouldn’t be here, because your daddy raped me. You’re not here by choice.’ He’s going to think that one day, and he’s going to hate me.” I sigh. “Is it terribly wrong for me to wish for a man to die in prison? Because it would make it so much easier. One explanation. ‘Jacob, he died, and that’s all there is to know.’” I look at her for understanding, my head still resting on her shoulder. “God forgive me for those thoughts, but that’s just how I feel.”
“You’re not the only one with those thoughts, Lacey.” She runs her fingers through her short hair, a slight flare of her nostrils. “Be as honest as you can with him. Maybe it’s time you start seeing that therapist with him, prepare him and yourself for that conversation.”
“You’re right. It’s time. Especially if things keep progressing the way they are with me and Landon.”
“Drama aside, how was last night?”
I don’t say a word. I let the slight smile spread across my face tell her how it was. How natural it all felt. The confidence I had in myself, when it was needed, to take the lead in reassuring him I was capable of the choice I was making with him.
“My baby sister’s blushing,” she teases, pressing her finger against my cheek. I push her away, grinning. “It’s good you got out, had some fun, and did adult things.” She smiles. “Do me a favor?”
“What?”
“Guard your heart. Be careful.”
“Shay, don’t start that.”
“You’re getting all starry-eyed, but remember, he’s still a married man with a kid. He had a child with that woman, and just because they’ve hit a rough patch or whatever doesn’t mean hearts and minds can’t change. That divorce is not final. There’s not even ink on the paper.”
“Why do you have to do that? Gosh!” I huff, sitting forward. “He is not like that.”
“I’ll believe it if you do. But what wouldn’t you do for Jacob, to make him happy?”
“Nothing.”
