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He nods his head, looking down.
“Hey, buddy, I’m seeing your mom this weekend. But how about me and you spend next Saturday together? I’ll come over and get you, and we can go anywhere you want.”
My little boys face lights up. “Really, just me and you? What about Jackson, won’t he want to come?”
“I think he’ll understand if I spend a few hours with you. I’ll explain it to him, and he won’t be upset.”
He throws his arm around his neck. Landon holds him still so he doesn’t get knocked over. My heart’s spilling over with love for his kindness. I mouth, “Thank you,” to him. “All right, back into your bed.”
“All right, Mommy. Night, Landon.” He turns running to his room.
“I love that kid as much as I love his mother.” He plants his lips on mine, holding my face between his hands.
When we’re together, it’s perfect—All doubt erased from my mind.
The good feelings don’t last nearly as long as I would like. Change of plans for Saturday. Seems we don’t have an entire day of us at all.
“So what time do you think you’ll be here?” I kick my heels off, lying back on the couch.
“I’m not sure. I didn’t think her appointment would take this long. Hopefully, we’ll see her doctor soon. Maybe we’ll get good news that her wrist will be well enough for her to get crutches.”
“That would be great news.” Maybe then I won’t feel this way, like I’m pulling him away from his real family.
“Lace, I’m sorry. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Landon, I need to go to the bathroom before they call us,” Bree says in the background.
“You should go help her out. Call me when you’re done; I’ll be here waiting.”
“Lace, I’m sorry this is taking up the day we planned. I’ll make it up to you, promise.”
"Mrs. Jessup,” a voice calls in the background. “I need these papers filled out before you go in to see the doctor.”
“My husband will fill those out. My wrist is out of service.”
“I’ll do those and have them back to you right after I help her to the bathroom,” Landon says.
Ouch. Her husband. Didn’t need the verbal reminder on what I already know in the back of my mind. “You’re busy; I should let you go take care of Bree.”
“I’ll see you,” he says, sounding distracted by his wife and things a husband does for his wife.
“All right.”
The day of us has become a day of him and his wife.
No Jacob, no mom, no Shay. Hours later, the sun begins to set. It’s me and my thoughts alone in a quiet house filled with deafening silence. So much so, I turn on the television and most of the lights in the house, and check the lock once more as the sun goes down. In a past life, this was my worst nightmare. Being alone, vulnerable to every noise and squeak. Too much silence, a wide open space for my thoughts to ping around in my mind. Thoughts of the past I wish I could forget, desperately wishing they never happened.
I’ve overcome so much, yet at the heart of it, I know I’m still so vulnerable to the hurt and pain. My insecurities lay inside me, waiting to seep out, telling me I’m not worth it. Why would he choose me over everything he has? The simplicity of a life without facing the ugly truth, the reality of our ugly past. I’m the woman he ran away from, who he left behind because he couldn’t stand looking at me and what I had become.
You weren’t worth sticking around for then, why would you be now?
“Stop it.” I shut my eyes at the ugly thoughts, lurching forward in the middle of the couch. “You are worth it. You deserve to be loved,” I tell myself.
He said he loves me. He’s not leaving. I have to believe he wouldn’t do that to me again. That’s what I’m choosing to believe at this minute. God, a tear slips, and I wipe it away, getting to my feet. I strip off my clothes, stepping into the shower, clearing away the thoughts and fears threatening to bring me under, twisting my heart inside out.
It’s been hours since I last heard from Landon. But I believe he will be here. He promised. And I have to believe in myself, that I’m worthy of his love.
