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“Things didn’t end well the last time I was here. They haven’t been going much better since then either. I miss you, Lexi,” I say, holding my breath to see what she says.
“I miss you too.”
Oh, thank god. At least I’m not alone in this with all these feelings. But I can’t just forget everything else that I know. I have put it all out there for her to know how I truly feel good and bad if we’re going to get anywhere. “As much as I’m glad to hear you feel the same, I’m also angry.”
Her eyes lower. “Oh. I’m sorry,” she says, in a voice so small and unlike her.
“Sorry for what? For pushing me away and throwing away something that could be great, because of what? Make me understand, Lexi. What the hell are you so scared of?”
“What am I not scared of when it comes to us?” She huffs. “You’re too good for me, you know?”
“No, I don’t know. But you keep telling me this. You don’t see what I see. It goes beyond looks. You’re one of the most selfless people I know. Caring for everyone else at the expense of your well-being. It’s admirable, the way you keep your family together by yourself.”
She shakes her head. “You think all these good things about me and make me sound like some kind of saint. But I’m far from one. You deserve someone worthy of all those words you used for me. Maybe one day I will be.”
“You are. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”
“Wait, let me say this. I was fooling myself when we were together. I thought I could keep certain parts of my life separate and pretend one didn’t affect the other. But I was wrong. I knew we couldn’t be together when I told you not to come back, before that really. I didn’t want to hurt you. I think you have an idea what happens at the club you saw me at.” Hands going still, she lowers her head.
“You don’t have to say what it is. That would be best for both of us.” I point to myself as much as my uniform.
“I owe you some kind of answer from that night though. You deserve that. I don’t go there anymore. And I’m not ever going back. That’s the first step in trying to change things for me that would make me feel the tiniest bit worthy of being with a good guy like you. I’m going to go back to school, nursing.”
“That’s great, Lexi. I’m happy for you. I can see it, you’re a natural nurturer.”
“Thanks.” The side of her lip curls up into a faint smile. “My gramps would be happy. I saw how the nurses took care of him, they were good to him. Good people.”
“You’re a good person, too, Lexi.”
“Maybe, I’m trying to be better. I’m a liar. I was lying to you from the beginning.” She looks at me, eyes welling up.
I walk up to her and pull her into my arms. I can’t stand watching her hurt this way. Her head resting against my shoulder, I stroke her hair. Hurt that she doesn’t see how great she is. “You were doing what you needed to do to help and protect your family. I won’t turn my back on you even if we are not together, I will always be here for you if you need me. Make no mistake about it, Lexi, I still want to be with you. I still want us.”
“Why would you still want to be with me?” She looks up, eyes shining with tears.
“You keep asking why I would want to be with you, why this? When you should be asking why not you? Aside from what you think makes you unworthy of being happy, you still can’t see the caring determined person you are. The fighter who will go to any length to protect her brothers and keep her family together. Even at the detriment of her own emotional health and happiness. All you have sacrificed and you still can’t see who you are? You’re going to keep pushing me away and I’m going to keep coming back until I can make you see all the beautiful things you are, through my eyes.”
“Then you're a glutton for punishment.” She sniffs, wiping her hand across her eyes.
“For you I am, because you deserve someone who can withstand all the things going on in your life. Anyone who can’t is not worthy of being in your life, standing by your side through it all.”
“And you believe you’re that man?”
“I am that man. I’m not everyone else. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here for you. Let me repeat this. I am here with you.”
She closes her eyes and another tear rolls down her cheek. Like she’s trying to compose herself. I swipe my thumb across her cheek, wiping it away. I lean down and place a kiss on her cheek and say, “I love you.” Her eyes pop open wide and she opens her mouth to say something but I shake my head and continue. “But it’s one thing for me to know it. If this is going to work…do you believe it?”
“Yes. I believe it and I love you too.” She cradles the back of my head in her hands and kisses me hard on the lips. “I love you and I believe you and I want this to work. I’m glad you came back.”
“Me too.” I open my mouth and sweep my tongue into hers in a searing kiss, tongues sliding together as her hands slide through my hair and across my scalp pressing me in as close as we can get, without falling over on top of each other.
She breaks the kiss not pulling away, lips brushing, a soft exhale leaving her lips. “This time will be different, I promise. No more lies.”
“I believe you.” I stroke my thumb over her chin. “I believe you. We’ll start over. This time we’ll both be honest. And it’ll be better than before because you know I love you and I’m not going anywhere, it’ll be something new.
“Something new…I like that.”
I like it too. I lift her face to mine and continue where we left off with something new and well worth the wait.
* * *
