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I’ve watched him search tirelessly for a job to give Maggie and himself an opportunity to not just plant roots, but grow in Kentucky. I didn’t know he’d picked up DoorDash and Instacart delivering until a week or two after we joined households. He never seems to realize it, but his work ethic and refusal to give up is rare and inspiring.
The potential ofmorewith Logan makes me excited to wake up each day. Whatever’s developing between us is in its infancy and feels fragile. It’s nearly slipped out a few times, but I’ve not even told Izabeth, petrified of destroying the magic. Kissing Logan feels like a lifetime of building pressure bursting into unfathomable joy.
Rainey remains my top priority—and she’s thriving. Her teacher sends notes home from school constantly, bragging on her behavior and intelligence. I beam each time I find one in her backpack. I didn’t create this tiny person, but I’m helping give Rainey her best chance.
Putting Rainey first makes me realize I’ve not givenmyselfmy best shot at life the last few years. The hurt and emotional scars I carry from childhood are the result of years of neglect by an entire system, not a single person. But the havoc and wounds Dunbar has inflicted on me as an adult, with his threats, manipulation, and carelessness, are his fault alone. Ensuring Rainey’s needs are met opens my eyes to the years I’ve spent ignoring my own needs while prioritizing my brother’s whims and demands.
Just a few days into December, Logan starts his new job. I’m so proud I can’t help but coerce him into taking a ‘first day of work’ photo, planning to text it to Claire later. He insists it’s humiliating, but cooperates before giving me a kiss when the girls’ heads are turned and rushing out the door.
Logan’s new software development position is only ten miles from home, a benefit for both of us. After talking it over, I take over getting Maggie and Rainey to school on time in the morning because Logan’s workday starts at 7. His hours are flexible, and as part of his acceptance of the position, he negotiated ending his day at the office at 3 p.m. This unexpected perk allows him to pick the girls up after school and work his last hour from home. I was in disbelief that the company agreed, but it means one of us is still home with Maggie and Rainey after school.
Dunbar hasn’t reached out once since his call before Thanksgiving. It makes me sad for Rainey; her father isn’t willing to prioritize checking on her. I pray he’s okay, but I can’t bring myself to call him and remind him he’s doing her a disservice, because I knowhe knows.I’m too exhausted by the years of games he’s played with me to chase him down anymore. With my brother taking up less of my mental expenditure, I’m focusing more clearly at work—even my boss has noticed the change.
The adjustment of Logan beginning his new job throws off our rhythm for several weeks. We steal away pockets of time where we can for ourselves—kissing on the couch after the girls are tucked in for the night, holding hands during the sometimes cringe-inducing rom-coms Logan picks out when he’s on movie duty, and often snuggling in bed together for a few minutes before Logan peels himself away and drops a kiss on my head before turning out the light and retreating to his own bedroom.
Before I realize it’s happened, the school’s winter break is upon us and I’m shocked to find we’re only five days away from Christmas—the first Christmas I’ll ever spend with my niece. Logan and the girls were impatiently waiting in the garage for me the day after Logan’s first day of work. They wouldn’t tell me where we were going, only that it was a “supperize,” according to Rainey.
The surprise was an evening mimicking every Hallmark Christmas movie. We started at the Christmas tree lot where we selected a live tree, then we picked up hot chocolate at the cafe before driving around our small town and looking at all of our neighbor’s holiday light displays. We ended the night at home, decorating the tree and stockings with Maggie and Rainey. It was a simple, festive evening—perfect for the four of us.
I started picking out gifts for Rainey right after Thanksgiving. The way the walls of my walk-in closet are closing in makes me wonder if I’ve overdone it. I also picked out several items for Maggie. The matching outfits in some of Cincinnati’s department stores suckered me in. They’re ridiculously adorable and imagining the two of them wearing them together jacks the dopamine in my brain to new highs. Hopefully, Logan won’t kill me when he sees I’ve spent a chunk of change on his daughter.
Claire called to invite Rainey and I over for Christmas. I seriously considered it, but decided I didn’t want to intrude on another family holiday so soon. Thanksgiving with the Owens’ was lovely and quite the departure from joining Izabeth and her family for their annual family holiday brawl. A homey Christmas with just Rainey and me making memories together is all I want this year.
I find myself down a dark Pinterest hole during a workday lull the day before Christmas Eve. Not knowing if I’ll ever have another Christmas with Rainey, I decide to make it the most magical one I can provide. I make a list of projects we can do together tomorrow and Christmas Day. The after-work, pre-Christmas Walmart hustle of being elbowed and cut off by other shoppers enrages me, but I check out with a cart full of more activities than the four of us can complete in two days.
Halfway home, I realize that this is Logan and Maggie’s first Christmas without Hannah. Maybe they already have traditions of their own, and I don’t want to stand in their way.
In the past few weeks, I’ve made a point to not tip-toe around Logan being a widower. From listening to Logan, I know Hannah was a wonderful wife and probably a perfect mother. Moving from roommates tomorewith Logan is complicated by his grief, even if we rarely speak of it. Some part of me is jealous of the woman who spent many years loving Logan, but also grateful to her because she helped shape him into the caring man and loving father that came into my life. Hannah isn’t a ghost I want to hide away in a dark corner, she’s a treasure deserving of a spotlight.
My phone’s FaceTime ringtone annoyingly echoes through my cold car in the parking lot, as I pray desperately for the heater to warm quickly. Logan’s face appears on my screen and I instinctually grin at him.
“You got a haircut?”
“I did. Thought it would be nice to have a fresh cut for Christmas.”
“Bet Richard’s was slammed with all the gentlemen trying to get sexy for their ladies.”
My comment elicits a hoot from Logan. “You’ve obviously never been inside of Richard’s. Most of the clientele are probably more interested in impressing their grandkids.”
“I didn’t actually call to talk about your haircut. I have something I want to talk to you about.”
“What’s wrong?” Logan’s face pales.
“Nothing—at least I hope not. Will you be completely honest with me?” All traces of happiness evaporate, and he looks blankly at me through the screen.
“Noah, you’re scaring me.”
“Nothing’s wrong, I promise.” I try reassuring him. “I had an idea to do a bunch of holiday projects and crafts with the girls. I already went to the store and dropped a stupid amount of money on the stuff we need.” He continues looking at me, expressionless. “I just realized that I haven’t asked if you, Hannah, and Maggie had any traditions that you want to continue. I didn’t plan to hijack your Christmas, and I can totally return anything I bought if it’s a problem.”
His face is the only thing visible on my screen, but his whole body noticeably relaxes as I finish speaking. He closes his eyes, and I hear him exhale a slow breath. “Ooookay.” Another deep breath. “I appreciate your consideration. Hannah and I used to make a huge Christmas morning breakfast,” he says, smiling. “A lot of it wasn’t necessarily edible, but I’d love to do something similar if you’re open to it.”
“I love it. When have you ever known me to turn down food I didn’t have to cook myself?”
“Fair point,” he concedes.
“I’m being completely serious, I want nothing to take away from the special memories you’ve started with Maggie. Rainey and I can work on activities by ourselves.”
“It won’t, I promise.”
