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I call Rainey over to the couch, and she takes a seat next to me. “Rae, it’s your dad!”
Her eyes light up, in what appears to be disbelief, and I hit the speakerphone button on the screen. There’s no chance I’m handing her my phone, affording my brother the chance to have a private conversation with his daughter. It’d be a wild card what came out of his mouth, and there’s plenty Rainey doesn’t need to hear from her dad.
“She’s here,” I tell Dunbar and set the phone between Rainey and I.
He asks her generic questions like what she ate for breakfast, and how school’s been going. She asks him when he’s coming home. He admits he’s not sure yet, and I breathe a sigh of relief he didn’t make any promises to her he can’t keep.
When Dunbar asks if Santa came to see her, Rainey animatedly tells her dad about some toys Santa left her. The back and forth between the two of them makes me happy. I want nothing more than for him to have this with her all the time. I hope he gets out of jail and does better. I want to witness more of their little talks.
“You know Rainey, I had a present for you today.” I freeze and my heart plummets into my stomach. Terrified of what he may say next, I consider ‘accidentally’ ending the call.
“You do? What is it, Dad?” She wiggles on the couch, anticipating her father’s answer.
“I had a big teddy bear waiting for you, but your aunt wouldn’t bring you to see me. I really wish I could’ve given it to you.” I see red when I pick the phone up. That fucking bastard.
My niece looks up at me and asks, “Why couldn’t I see my dad today?” My heart crumbles as she cries. “I miss my dad. Why won’t you take me to see him?”
“Rainey, you dad has to go,” I whisper to her. “Why don’t you tell him you’ll talk to him later?”
She can’t say goodbye, because her father purposefully made her so upset on Christmas Day that she’s on the verge of hyperventilating. I end the call, disgusted by my brother’s manipulation. I try pulling Rainey in for a hug, but she shoves me away.
“I HATE YOU!” she screams. “I miss my dad and I never want to see you ag-aggaaiiinnnnn!”
I can’t count the number of times I’ve rolled my eyes when friends or coworkers say their kid told them they hate them, and it broke their heart.They’re just a kid,I’d say,They’ll be over it by tonight.I was completely wrong and owe them all an apology.
Hearing Rainey, the tiny girl standing in front of me that I love more than I even love myself, shouting the words she hates me, rips out a thread holding my soul together. I fight my own tears by sheer force. I may die from the hurt I feel right now, but I’ll have to wait until I’m alone to do so. I know she’s just a kid, and she doesn’t understand any of the situation or what her dad just did to us both.
Her “I hate you” bonds to the place in my mind that’s also home to all the reasons I’m not good enough and the list of ways my brother’s addiction is my fault.
Logan chooses this moment to walk in the front door, his and Maggie’s arms full of boxes. Maggie sees Rainey crying inconsolably on the living room floor, and Logan drops his boxes on the floor, ushering her upstairs.
“What happened?” He asks after rushing back down the steps and taking in the full sight of Rainey, red-faced with tear-stained cheeks. She refuses to look at me, so she’s sitting alone on the couch while I stand in the kitchen.
I quietly walk back through Dunbar’s call with Logan, fighting my own tears—born from frustration and anger.
“What do I do?” I cover my face with my hands.
“You give her some space, at least for tonight, and see how things go in the morning.” He pries my hands from my face and looks me in the eyes. “This won’t be the last time you hear those words. They’ll hurt every time—God knows they still gut me when Maggie says them.”
“Maggie tells you she hates you?”
“Lord, yes. It’s one of her favorite sayings when she doesn’t get her way.” My mouth hangs open. “But it always helps to remember she’s six. Her emotional regulation isn’t fully-developed. And the ‘I hate you’ is about her getting what she wants—not trying to hurt me.” I nod, taking in his words. “Why don’t I get her ready for bed and give you each some space?”
“Sounds like a good idea,” I say, briefly taking his hand in mind and squeezing it.
Chapter 29
Noah
Afterseveraldaysofwalking on eggshells around my niece, Rainey warms back up to me. Taking Logan’s suggestion, I let her lead the way without pushing her to talk or expecting her immediate affection. We’re watching a movie on our last day of Christmas break together—it’s back to work for Logan and I, while the girls hang out with Claire and Rufus until school restarts—and Rainey rests her head against my chest, allowing my entire body to relax for the first time since she broke my heart with her words. Somehow I know we’ll get through this.
When the holiday weekend comes to a close, I don’t hesitate to call Chase. He’s apologetic about the call with Dunbar and how our Christmas ended. I stand firm, insisting he note the incident in our file, even if there’s nothing that can be done.
Chase recommends taking a break from answering my brother’s calls.
“What if he actually needs something? What if something’s wrong?” The idea of not picking up, as freeing as it sounds, terrifies me. I’ve always been there for my brother, my only flesh and blood, and my childhood co-conspirator.
“Then I’ll call you. While I have you on the phone, Dunbar will go back in front of the judge in February. His state-appointed attorney’s filing a request for early release.”
