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“You went back?” He sounded more distraught than disgusted like she’d feared.
“Until I had enough evidence to prove it wasn’t a one-time thing.” As shocked as Denice had been when Elizabeth gave her the three recordings and rape kit reports, it had to be enough that Adam couldn’t deny it. “In New Jersey, you don’t have to go through a separation period in a case where there’s fault, so we filed for divorce and asked for a settlement. Enough to get me into housing and to live on until I found a job.” The amount was less than Adam made in two months. “He refused, citing the prenup I’d stupidly signed.”
“I hope you pressed criminal charges.”
“That was our next step. Denice figured he wouldn’t want to explain the charges. Except he countered that he’d testify that I had rape fantasies, and we were role-playing. Say I liked it that way, which was why I’d recorded us. Or that I’d set him up to blackmail him. That either way, it would ruin my reputation.”
“The son of a bitch.” John’s voice was filled with anger as he finally sat on the opposite bed. “He wouldn’t chance that.”
“Adam thought he was smarter than everyone else. Except, by that point, he’d isolated me from all my friends. I hadnoreputation to protect. Though it would be my word against his to convince a jury, until his ex-wife agreed to testify in a civil trial. That’s when he agreed to settle.”
“Why civil?”
“He could keep his job and keep paying her alimony and child support. I still wonder if I did the right thing letting him avoid jail time. If he learned anything or moved on to another naïve young woman.” The numbness that started in her hands traveled up her arms, to her face and chest. “Denice pointed out I couldn’t protect other women forever. We negotiated a settlement that covered living expenses and college tuition.”
“He’s why you became a counselor.” John’s voice was raw and sympathetic.
“It was definitely a factor.” They sat in silence as she let him process what she’d been through. What she’d done and allowed Adam to continue to do to her.
“I’m sorry. For everything you went through. I’d kill him if—”
“No! That isnotwhy I told you.” Tears burned her eyes. “You cannot—”
“I’m not. I just—want to. You know?”
Oh, she knew. But it would destroy her if John landed in jail or was kicked out of the military because of anything to do with her.
“I get why your past would make you react the way you have, but you don’t know that you can’t have a normal physical relationship now.”
But she did. “When I was in college, I tried dating. Every time it ended with the guy frustrated and me having a full-blown panic attack.”
“That was a while ago. You’ve been in therapy since then. How do you know you’d still react the same? Yesterday, when we danced, you were in my arms, and—”
“And I nearly had a panic attack when you dipped me.” And again, trying to imagine doing more than kissing him.
“‘Nearly.’ But you didn’t. You don’t want to go through life letting your ex continue to rob you of the things you want, like love and a family.” He leaned forward, extending an open hand to her.
Instead of panic, an overwhelming sadness prevented her from putting her hand in his. “Except, it’s not as easy as wanting them. It wouldn’t be fair to you.” John deserved that love and family. When he found the right woman, together they’d sing a happy love song instead of the heartbroken, country song of his past.
“Let me decide what’s fair for me. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try again rather than stay stuck? Is that what you let your clients do? Because you aren’t practicing what you preach if you tell them they can move past their traumas and have a full life when you aren’t willing to do it yourself.”
His words sliced through her like a scalpel. “I have tried. I underwent counseling for years. You don’t know where I am in the healing process. Or how long it can take to work through trauma.” John didn’t understand there were no guarantees she would be comfortable being intimate with him or anyoneeveragain.
“I’m a patient man.”
It took more than patience. The few men she’d dated in college had called her a tease or frigid. The last, another student in her counseling program, claimed to understand, then pushed too far trying to “help her become desensitized” and unraveled much of her progress.
Despite what she’d seen of John’s big heart, he was also damned persistent and didn’t always take no for an answer. That’s what scared her. What made it hard to breathe.
“I can’t. It’s me. I’m not ready.” She couldn’t keep him waiting, especially when they had so little time before he’d move on. “I need you to accept that.” Her voice broke, and her throat burned. She didn’t want to cry. She did not want to cry.
Tears escaped the second she closed her eyes.
“Okay. I appreciate your honesty, and I’ll respect your decision.” He got to his feet and disappeared into the bathroom before she could retreat there for the box of tissues. It took longer than it should have for him to return with his shaving kit, which he placed in his suitcase without looking at her. “I’m ready to leave whenever you are.”
The raw edge of his voice tore at her already hurting heart. “I need a few minutes. You can go on.”
He stayed in place next to the bed for several long seconds before sighing. “I’ll see you back at The Oasis.”
