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“I got my period. I’m not pregnant this month.”
“Jess,” I said gently. “We only just started trying this month. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“You don’t understand,” she cried. “I really want a baby.”
“I do understand. I want one as well. But it will take however long it takes—we can’t rush nature. I don’t want you to feel that I’m putting any pressure on you to produce an heir within a certain time period.”
“You don’t get it,” she said more forcefully. “I need to have a baby, someone pure and innocent in my life. Someone not tainted by this violent world that we live in.”
“You’ve got me until then, Jess. I’m always here for you.”
“But you’re tainted by everything you do. Just like me—I’m tainted too.”
I was taken aback by the vehemence in her voice, and it brought my guilt flooding back regarding my failure to protect her from my father. I knew she could never forgive me for not looking after her after she’d become mine through the contract. I deserved to feel guilty, and I felt even worse knowing that my guilt was nothing compared to the pain she’d suffered.
She tried to wipe away her tears with her hands. “A baby will be completely innocent, and I can just enjoy him or her without worrying about anything.”
I understood that she had been through a lot lately, and maybe having a baby was her way of coping and moving on, but I was worried by the intensity of her need.
I had hoped that now my father was dead she would be less anxious; however, she had transferred her anxiety to wanting a baby.
Honestly, I just wanted her to be happy, and I felt powerless yet again that I couldn’t give her what she needed. I couldn’t stand not being in control. Conception was in the hands of fate—and I felt like fucking killing fate right now.
“Look. Jess, you know from your pregnancy research that worrying about getting pregnant is counterproductive and the stress can hold you back. You need to relax more.”
“That’s easy for you to say! How am I supposed to relax after everything that’s happened? I can’t stop thinking about it, no matter how much I try not to let those thoughts into my mind. A baby will give me something else to focus on, something to make me happy.”
As her voice broke and the tears started falling hard, I took her into my arms and soothed her the best I could. I knew she just wanted something normal and safe, and she thought a baby would give that to her and to us.
I knew from my cousins that when babies didn’t come, it could cause all sorts of anguish, and I knew how much Jessica wanted a baby—how much we both wanted a child. I didn’t want this to be another thing that could overwhelm her, not after what she’d been through, but I couldn’t help feeling a sense of dread about the possibility that falling pregnant might not be as quick as Jess hoped.
CHAPTER 20
JESSICA
The next day, we had just sat down at the table to eat breakfast when Gabriel came in and joined us. “Where’s Nate?” he asked, as he helped himself to the scrambled eggs.
We all looked at Nancia, but she just shrugged as she sipped at her orange juice.
Rafael raised an eyebrow in query. “Is he up yet?”
Nancia cleared her throat. “He was already gone this morning when I looked in on him.”
“Goddamnit,” cursed Gabriel, slamming down the carafe of coffee he was holding. “He knows he’s supposed to be working with us today.”
“Did he say where he was going?” quizzed Rafael, still looking at Nancia because she was the one out of all of us most likely to know where her twin was.
“No, he didn’t tell me,” she said, tossing her strawberry-blond hair over her shoulder and setting her mouth in a determined line.
“Nancia,” growled Gabriel, a hint of warning in his voice.
“I didn’t asked him, alright? I knew you’d try to get it out of me.” Her voice was defiant. “Why do you keep forcing him into working with you?”
“Nance, you know it’s for his training and that he has to learn these things before he’s initiated.” Rafael was calmer than his older brother and tried to reason with Nancia in a placatory tone.
“You say it as if he’s learning things which will benefit him. Like he reallyneedsto learn how to torture and kill people?”
“You know the rules of this life as well as any of us.” Gabriel’s voice was matter-of-fact, but I could tell that he was trying to keep his anger under control as he spoke to our younger sister. “Nate will be initiated into the Società when he’s old enough, and there’s no way out of that.”
