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“Are you about ready to head back?” I ask her.
She looks at the clock and then outside. “I guess it is getting late.” She’s reluctant to pack up her stuff, and I can see her literally dragging her feet.
“Lucky Charm?” She looks at me, already knowing what I’m going to ask.
“That obvious?”
“I’m just trying to figure out if you’re wanting to avoid sleeping with us, or if you’re just avoiding sleep.”
She moves her foot in circles, looking at the ground.
“Just sleep.”
I move her bag off her shoulder and walk us to the couch in the suite we’re using for research.
“Care to tell me why?”
She sits down and gets comfortable. It takes her a few tries to figure out where she wants to be, but when she settles with her feet crossed sitting sideways to look at me, I see her straighten her spine.
“You don’t have to do that,” I tell her.
“Do what?” It actually makes my heart sad that she doesn’t see how she prepares herself for battle every time she talks about her emotions with us.
“Steel your spine like you’re pretending to be strong or unaffected. I already believe you’re strong, so just tell me what’s bothering you. You’re not weak just because you struggle.”
Evie takes a deep breath, her shoulders sag a little, and I see the moment she decides to open herself up. I want her to feel safe being vulnerable with me. I want to be here for her.
“I’ve talked to Dr. K about it. She just thinks I’m having some PTSD. Every night, when I think about getting into bed, I start to have anxiety about what waking up will look like.”
I must look confused because she tries to explain again.
“I know the night terrors haven’t been nearly as bad. I have maybe one a week now. But, apparently, because I spent years being traumatized in my sleep, I’m having a negative response to doing it now.”
That makes sense. I know PTSD can take many forms, and her night terrors have never been an easy thing to face. “Is there any way I can help?”
She smiles shyly. “No, but knowing you will be there when I wake up helps. Even if it’s a bad wake-up, having you guys brings me out of it quickly.”
I scoot closer to her and pull her into my lap so she’s straddling me. “I’m proud of you,” I tell her as I keep her body close to mine. “You’re so fucking strong, it’s incredible.”
“I don’t feel strong when I fear things like sleep.” She pulls me even closer, making it clear she needs this connection to feel grounded.
“We all fear things—it’s what we do with that fear that makes us who we are. If you run away from it, you’ll never stop running. Butyouchoose to face it every time. I can see your talks with Dr. K are helping, and I’m so fucking glad you’re getting somewhere with her. But this isn’t an overnight fix, Lucky Charm. You’ll get there. Just have grace with yourself.”
I rub small circles on her back as we sit there in silence. I feel her accepting my words, but I also know this stuff takes time. I’ll say them over and over again until she believes them. My girl is strong, and there is nothing she can’t overcome.
Chapter 44
Teaching my girl tactical driving has been one of the most exciting parts of the past few months. It’s out here that I can make sure Evie smiles and lets go of things. We’re both adrenaline junkies by trade. So I know out here, I can give her everything she needs.
I race around the track, drifting through the final set of cones when a flash of red makes my heart nearly stop. I turn to watch as Evie drifts along with me, only inches from my car, and I’m able to make out the giant smile on her face. I’ve never tandem drifted with anyone before, but with her, it feels like the best sort of competition.
“Head to the drift track, Little Shadow. Show me what you’ve got,” I say over the speakers in our helmets.
“Oh, I’ll show you what I’ve got, Sunshine. Just don’t be too devastated when I beat your ass.”
She cuts me off right as we enter the track and leads the race. She takes all the turns at high speeds, showing none of the reservations she had when we first started. She trusts her car. She moves with it as if it were an extension of herself. It’s hot as fuck to watch.
Our little competition doesn’t have judges to get the full four aspect score card, but I keep track of our angles and lines we set prior. We move in and out of the curves, using the straightaways to pick up as much speed as possible. Her movements are precise, and her throttle steering is nearly as impressive as watching most Formula D racers.
