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“That’s great man,” Damien says, clapping me on the back and getting up to leave, but I stop him.
“I texted Dr. K after our session. Evie is nervous to go back because she ended up having a panic attack. Dr. K helped me get her through it. She was also proud of how well she did and the fact that she opened up in general, but…”
I let the thought hang in the air. When Damien sits back down, he already seems to know what I’m going to say. Lev watches us both with interest.
“But?” Lev questions.
“She thinks we should tell Evie about trauma play and subspace healing.”
The room goes silent. I know Lev knows a little about what Damien and I have been through. He knows just how much Dr. K has helped us, but a big reason she was able to do that was because she introduced us to BDSM as part of our therapy. She is, after all, a licensed psychologist, sexologist, and kink coach.
She was able to find me a mentor who understood my primal need for dominance and pain control. He taught me how to enact it in a way that made me feel like I was in charge. Dr. K taught Damien a different path, one he seemed to catch onto right away, with orgasm control and edging. We both consider ourselves Doms, although our approaches differ. I found the Daddy kink alluring because it gave me power but also let me provide, while Damien dove head first into toys and games.
I haven’t opened up to Damien much, but he has opened up to me. In this small world, I feel like we understand each other on a different level. I want these things for Evie too, but part of me is worried that once she sees the fucked up shit I’m into, she will run away.
I know she just saw a big part of me, but the other things I’m into can scare people easily, and I don’t want to be someone she fears.
“What’s subspace healing?” Lev asks.
“It’s not something that is used often, however, the idea behind it is to basically break down the barriers someone may build in response to trauma. Subspace is a moment, or a series of moments, where your submissive gives you full control, and in return for that, they receive the euphoric feeling of floating or flying. They are susceptible to suggestions because they trust your orders would not put them in harm’s way.”
“I’ve felt that before with D, is that something we should be concerned about with Evie?” Lev questions.
“It is done out of trust and understanding that it won’t be abused. When you leave the subspace, it can cause your endorphins to crash. Thus, resulting in a feeling of depression or anxiety. This state can also leave you open and numb. It’s a vulnerable place to be, and we’ve always been instructed to take it seriously.”
“So, that’s why Evie started crying after we all got together last time? Damien said she had a sub drop.” Lev begins to understand more so I keep going.
“Exactly. Seeing Evie go through that sub drop while we did not have the supplies or anything in order to help her through it scared the shit out of me. It’s possible for drops to last for days, and we weren’t prepared for something like that.” I take a deep breath, knowing the idea would not have been approached if Dr. K did not believe we were capable.
“However, if this were something she were to agree to, the point would be to get her to enter the subspace because you’re numb to the brain's ability to panic since you’re dumping endorphins. Thus, leaving her able to talk about her trauma or even reflect on it without causing a panic.”
“That sounds like it could be helpful but really complicated.” Lev says, no judgment in his tone. “Why do you seem so agitated by it?”
“It takes a lot of trust. And these drops can happen easily after you enter the subspace, which usually don’t feel good. I don’t think I’ve earned that level of trust from her yet, and I sure as shit know that her trauma is going to be a lot to face even without the panic.”
“You know Dr. K wouldn’t suggest it unless she really thought it would help,” Damien says, only reinforcing my earlier thought. “She doesn’t suggest this stuff to just anyone. She probably thinks that because Evie has us, it’s a good idea.” I know he’s right. I have trusted Dr. K for years now and she has not once given me a reason to doubt her.
“She did say that Evie comes out of the panic quickly and seems to trust me as an anchor, even though I didn’t really know what I was doing in the moment.”
“So?” Lev asks. “What does this mean?”
“It means,” I say, setting my wine down, not seeming to have a taste for it this evening, “when the time feels right, we can talk to her about it. We don’t do anything like this without her consent.”
“I think she gave her consent to you pretty loud and clear, bro,” Damien says with a full smirk on his face. “Hearing her scream for ‘daddy’ had me torn between running in there to join and jerking off in our room.”
The side of my lip lifts slightly, and I give him a snort. It’s getting easier to open up around them. I know I never had to shut myself off from them, but I couldn’t bear the idea of losing anyone else close, so I kept them at arm's length. I’m starting to realize that it hurt us all more than helped us. We’ve all been fighting our battles separately when we should have come together from the start. Now, with Evie in the equation, that wall I so carefully constructed around myself hasn’t just crumbled, it’s been obliterated.
I watch as my friends, my family, joke around and open up. Slowly, I am coming to find it easier to let the real me be seen and to hold the ones I love close because we never know when a moment is going to be our last.
Chapter 25
My nerves are on edge as I knock on Evie’s door. I asked her if I could take her on a date today. It’s Christmas Eve, and I want to do something special for my girl by showing her a part of me no one else gets to see.
She opens the door to reveal herself standing in a beautiful midnight blue dress. Her hair is curled and cascading down her back with her bangs hanging just above her eyes. She looks ethereal, like she stole a glimpse of moonlight straight from the sky.
“Shit,” I breathe, unable to speak as the look on her face seems to say she’d be open to skipping this date and getting right to the sex part.
“Do you like it, Ghost?” she asks, giving me a spin.
