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Why is it so hard to say no to him?
Because he’s Nick Miller.
When Nick Miller tells you to come snuggle. You snuggle.
Taking off my glasses, I join him on my bed laying on my back just touching the edge. Nick stays on his side with his arm draped over my covered stomach.
It feels nice just to lay next to him as his thumb brushes my abdomen.
Too nice.
I can’t get attached.
No matter how hard I try I can’t keep thinking about where else he’d be if I hadn’t let him stay. I can’t help thinking if I’m just some last resort.
“So, if I didn’t let you stay here, where would you have gone for the night?” I come out with it, gnawing at my lip.
I’m trying so hard not to sound vulnerable or jealous. I shouldn’t have even asked, but I need to know. I need to know how many girls Nick has waiting for him to sleep over.
“We both know me not staying here was never an option.” He says still brushing his thumb in circles over his shirt.
Did I know that?
No, I definitely didn’t know that. He could’ve gone anywhere. Any girl in this entire school would invite him in with open arms no matter if they are single or not.
It’s Nick Miller!
He grumbles. Taking my silence for what it is. Confusion, jealousy. All of the above.
“Don’t be that girl.” He props himself up to get a better look at me.
“What girl?” I ask innocently trying to hide away the feelings starting to surface for him.
I hate that I sound so vulnerable. We’re not together. We’re not dating. We’re just hooking up and I have no right to be concerned over where he is when he’s not with me. He’s been honest. We’re friends. Friends who hook up without any attachment.
“The jealous self-conscious girl.” He answers with that knowing look on his face. “I need to focus on hockey this season. After getting so close last year, I can’t fuck this up.”
He holds the back of his neck and bites his lip. This is an uncomfortable conversation for the both of us. I really should’ve just kept my mouth shut.
“I like you.” He admits. “But…”There’s always a but.“I can’t focus on my game and date or be in any kind of serious relationship.”
I tighten my lips and nod. I don’t know why I care, but it hurts. It feels like a tiny knife going through my heart. Tiny. Just like a pin.
I don’t want a serious relationship either, but hearing him say it out loud hurts. I don’t want to feel this way. I shouldn’t feel this way.
It’s just sex.
I’ve had hookups before. I’ve dated guys just for fun without any real feelings. Why is it so different this time?
Nick places his hand along my jaw turning me to face him.
“I’m not hooking up and screwing around with every girl I meet. I like having fun, but I like having a small circle. Not like there’s a circle right now. Fuck!” He scratches his head thinking of what to say. “I’m going to be honest. Please don’t hate me.”
I don’t say anything.
I’m not sure I want to hear whatever he’s about to say. I don’t want to make a promise that I’ll be ok with it.
“I’ve just been with you and one other girl this semester which has been consistent. It’s just convenient.”
