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PROLOGUE
“Dude, this car is freaking amazing,”I say to Devon as I climb inside his brand-new cherry-red Ferrari. He has the roof down on this warm summer night. It’s his first day owning the car.
He looks over at me with a grin. “I’m hyped,” he says as music plays on the radio, and he taps his hand on the steering wheel. Everything about this car screams luxury. I was just drafted by the Rangers, and I’ve been hanging out with some teammates before the season officially begins. I say officially because we’ve been in preseason training. Devon’s been on the team for five years, so he’s been showing me the ropes.
We drive down the street. “Let’s take this baby on the highway,” he says. “You have to see her go.” His excitement over the car is contagious. I wonder if I would ever allow myself to be so indulgent. This doesn’t really seem to be my style, even though it’s fun to go for a ride.
“Guys are headed to a club tonight. You up for it?” he asks, giving me a side glance.
“When am I not up for some fun?” I reply.
Devon smiles mischievously and turns up the music. We cruise down the freeway, warm wind blowing at my face. This is the life. We hit a patch of traffic. I look at the rearview mirror and my eyes widen.
“Dev, shit that tractor trailer is coming at us too fast,” I say.
It all happens so fast, my heart rate spikes as I watch the trailer coming at us at hyper speed. He should be stopping.
“Shit,” Dev curses and he tries to change lanes. He begins honking his horn frantically.
I turn in my seat to watch the truck. “He’s slowing down but not enough. Must be something wrong with him.”
Devon is cursing beside me and when the truck doesn’t slow down enough my life flashes before my eyes. I see David, my brother. He’s saying this can’t be my time. Then Skylar’s face flashes before me. Her round, doe-green eyes watching me like I’m a wonder. I don’t know how I walked away but I want another chance. I want another chance. I want another chance. . .
An alarm blaring pulls me from my nightmare, only when I open my eyes it feels too real because by some miracle, I survived. The trailer didn’t hit us at full speed but it was heavy enough to turn Devon’s Ferrari into a sandwich. I blacked out and when I woke up a bunch of firemen were trying to extract Devon and me from the car. Devon suffered multiple leg fractures. By some miracle I walked away with cuts and bruises. Having your life flash before your eyes like that is a surreal moment. Yet I relive that evening in my sleep for the past three years. My rookie year didn’t go as I had hoped because my mind got all messed up from my near-death experience. Luckily, I had a no-trade clause with the Rangers for five years or else they would have traded my ass and it wouldn’t have fared well for me.
With sweat dripping down my forehead and my heartbeat still erratic, I make my way to the shower. As the warm water sprays over my back and I hold on to the wall, I think of Skylar again. I tried looking for her, but I had no luck. Her foster parents hadn’t heard from her in a while, and she wasn’t on any form of social media. Short of hiring a private investigator I was shit out of luck.
After the accident, I saw a therapist about the nightmares. It helped somewhat and they started to come less and less, but lately I was feeling lonely or maybe just feeling sorry for myself. I don’t really know. I loved playing in the NHL for the past three years and thank fuck my stats picked up once I started sleeping better at night.
Devon was forced to retire. It hit him hard. After working so hard to play in the NHL his career had ended. He had nothing to show for himself except for the money in his bank account. The finality of his career scared me and brought me to the realization I wanted more out of my life.
I quickly wash my body and get dressed in joggers and a sweatshirt. It’s game day and we are playing at home tonight. I make myself a protein smoothie and head outdoors for a light jog. The wind whips at my face. It’s bitter cold in New York City in December. It’s not much different from Boston, where I grew up, so I shouldn’t be complaining. Only I hope to one day get traded to a warmer climate like Tampa.
After my jog, I head back to my apartment and prepare some eggs and whole grain toast. I think of Skylar and how badly I screwed up. Since my brother passed away, I have these silent conversations with him in my head which is weird because we didn’t actually talk this much when he was alive. Yet somehow, I picture him finally at peace. He’s happy and a Chatty Cathy and he gives me all kinds of life advice because I sure as hell don’t like to go to our father. Not after he abandoned our family the way he did. Mom hasn’t been the same either since David died. It’s like something died inside her. When we talk we have these surface conversations. Besides I would never ask her what she thought of me finding Skylar again. She disliked her from day one.
My mind shifts to the game tonight only because we are playing Colorado. Carter Lewis is on the team and he’s kind of been my nemesis since high school. The guy always had a pickle up his ass when it came to me, and I don’t know what I ever did to him. We were the only two guys in our neck of the woods headed to a college Division 1 team the same year. We may have been each other’s competition but we both ended up on solid teams. Westfall may have been a little stronger than Brown, but nonetheless he did well for himself. He also jumped on the opportunity of hitting on Skylar the night we broke up. He was her shoulder to cry on. I’ve looked him up since and he doesn’t have a wife or girlfriend, which tells me they didn’t work out, but maybe he has a clue to her whereabouts. It’s a long shot and he’ll probably make me grovel for the information because he’s a big asshole, but it may give me a lead. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person pining for the first girl I loved. For all I know she could be married with kids. But something inside me won’t give up. I need to know. Maybe seeing her happy will be enough for me to move on with my life because since the accident I haven’t so much as laid hands on the opposite sex.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I head over to my buddy Evan’s apartment next door and play video games with some other guys from the team. We eat a good lunch and drink lots of Gatorade. Then I head back to my place for my usual rituals before a game. I make myself my necessary peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I’ve eaten religiously before each game since my days at Westfall U. I take a warm shower and drink a lot of water. Then I head to the arena to get ready.
When I enter the locker room some of the guys are here getting ready.
“What’s up?” Wolfe asks.
“Good, bro,” I say. We’ve been buds since I was a rookie at Westfall, and he was in his senior year. By fluke we ended up playing for the same NHL team. He’s kind of the older brother I never had. He and his wife invite me to their house for meals and when I need advice about something serious, he’s my go-to.
“Stay cool with Lewis tonight,” he reminds me.
I never told him why there’s bad blood between Carter and me, but he’s seen with his own eyes how Carter tries to get under my skin by being extra aggressive when we are on the ice together. I’ve spent my share of time in the sin bin because of him.
“It’ll be all right,” I assure my teammate.
He claps me on the back and continues to get his gear on.
I’m called over for a pregame interview. The reporter asks me how I feel about the game tonight and I tell her the team is feeling good. I zip through the next number of questions when I spot Carter. He’s getting interviewed too. That’s when I get a crazy-ass idea. He’s right here in front of me and he probably has all the answers I need. He can’t still be holding a grudge he has no right to hold since I didn’t do anything to him.
I look at him and nod. “What’s up?” I feel a little crazy, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
He looks at me, then turns around, thinking I’ve asked someone else the question but no one is behind him.
