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“Morning, Sheriff, it’s your wooing partner calling from the diner where I’ve just been given a free plate of eggs and hash browns for my betrothal. Would you happen to know anything about this news and should I change my status on Facebook?”
I probably shouldn’t have chortled, but the man made me happy. Sue me. “Yeah, that’s the rumor going around. Guess you can’t have an old friend bunk with you without someone thinking you’re engaged when you’re not.”
I said that last bit loudly enough for Leighanna to hear.
“Well, as rumors go, I like it. I’d be happy to be your affianced.”
“We’ve not even dated yet,” I hurried to correct. Marriage. What a silly notion. Why would he even say such a thing? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be wooed by him.
“A man can dream.” I shook my head at his foolishness. “So, I see that we’re shooting the tree lighting scene today and wanted to give you a heads-up. Oh, hello. Thank you, yes, we’re very excited. Stillman is picking out drapes as we speak.”
I heard Lyle Grossman through the phone. The man was deaf as a locust post and spoke so loudly he could be heard outside when he was inside.
“Anthony, for God’s sake, don’t encourage the gossip,” I huffed, leaning up to rest my brow in my hand. “Now people will be asking for our registry.”
His little titter should have infuriated me. It didn’t. Actually, it kind of made me fizzy in the belly. “It’s all good fun. And who knows. You just might like the idea of being my forever guy.”
I had to get this phone call back on track and fast. “You were going to pass along news about the tree lighting shoot?”
“Right. Don’t be in a hurry to run over to the green. Seems the leading lady is throwing a bit of a hissy fit about having to leave New York City before she could spend some cash at Vivenne Westwood’s and is even now refusing to leave her hotel room in Manhattan.”
“Why don’t they just fire her?”
“She has a contract, and she’s the top daytime female lead for ten years running. Don’t you watch the Daytime Emmys?”
“No, sir, I do not.”
“Barbarian. Well, she’s won year after year. She’s adored by the fans. So they’ll coddle her antics until filming is complete. So, while she’s having a tantrum in her room at the Ritz-Carlton, we’re here twiddling our thumbs. Mignon and I are thinking of going up to that mall in New York State and then stopping at a Whole Foods if I can find one, just to kill the morning since we’re not going to be filming until Medusa slithers back over the state line.”
“Okay, I have stuff to do here in town. Thanks for calling and letting me know about the delay. You don’t have to inform me of what you’re doing, Tony. I’m not your boyfriend.”
“Yet. Oh, and free coffee! Thank you, Mabel. Yes, I am talking to Stillman. Oh, of course. Stillman, Mabel said not to forget about the parking situation behind the bank.”
“The busted parking meter isn’t actually part of my job description as I explained to her, but I’ll pass it along to the proper office.” I sat there listening as he relayed the message to the morning shift waitress. “I’m hoping to get some admin work done today.”
No sooner did the words tumble from my mouth than a call came into dispatch. I heard Leighanna take the call, sighed at the name Butterman when it came up and knew my planned morning of paperwork was now over. “Tony, I have to go. There’s some sort of issue out on the Butterman hog farm that needs me.”
“Oh crap. I hope everything is okay. I’ll see you later today and will keep you posted as to when the wicked witch arrives on her broomstick. Be safe.”
“Yeah, you too.” I hung up, then thunked myself on the brow. “Be safe. At Whole Foods. You have such a way with words, Stillman.”
Pushing to my feet, I met Teddy as he arrived, looking better for the shower, shave, and clean uniform.
“What do we have?” I asked Leighanna as I shoved my arm into my winter coat.
“Someone cut the fencing on the western side of the hog farm. There are fifty or so free-roaming pigs wandering up and down the hogback.” She smiled up at us. “I shit you not. Could I make up something like that?”
No, no, she couldn’t. Hopefully, pigs were easy to herd.
***
As it turns out, pigsare not easy to herd.
Rather like chickens, only bigger and far less congenial.
It took Teddy, me, Bob Butterman, his wife Chloe, and their five kids almost seven hours to round up all that bacon on the hoof. Teddy got bitten on the thigh. I fell down and skinned my knee, and when Louie Diggle drove up to us and blew his horn, Bob almost got stampeded by his own hogs as we were steering several back over the road. The pigs squealed. Bob was knocked down. Hogs ran every which way. It was utter chaos. How little kids showed pigs at the county fair every year was beyond me. Sure, they had boards to steer them, but still...
When I limped back to my cruiser with my deputy gimping along at my side, I found my cell laying on the seat with several messages. All from the movie set asking us to report to the town green asap as Sasha had finally arrived. It was after five p.m. and nearly dark. I tossed our gifts from the hog farmers in the back seat.
