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I grunted, remembering how anxious and not confident I’d felt texting Corva the day before, asking if she wanted to meet up for a drink. I’d only been able to go through with it because I’d been with Greid. He’d met me for dinner between my shifts at the Japanese restaurant down the street. He’d been a little fidgety and uncomfortable at first, hunching his shoulders when the waiter came over to take our order, but eventually he’d relaxed enough to enjoy his meal. It had made me more determined to push out of my comfort zone, like Greid was doing for me. I couldn’t wait to go to the artisan market with him tomorrow morning. I was looking forward to it way more than I was the drinks tonight with Corva.
“She’s just so… sophisticated,” I told Violet. “And fancy. But even so, it’s just… What if she asks me about my past?”
“Why would she?”
I rolled my eyes in exasperation. “You know what I mean. Like, ‘where did you go to school?’ Or, ‘where did you work before the bar?’ Or anything else I won’t be able to answer. I don’t want to constantly have to lie to people, Auntie.”
“Well, you don’t have to lie,” she said slowly. “You could just explain—”
“No,” I barked, ducking my head when a young demiurgus guy in a pale linen suit raised a brow at me as he sauntered past. “I don’t want people knowing, Violet.”
“But… Greid knows.”
I rolled my eyes again. “Of course Greid knows. That’s different. He’s different.”
“I’m just saying, he might feel different now that you’re chummy, but he still found out when he didn’t know you at all, and he didn’t judge you. Maybe other people won’t either.”
I winced, realising I hadn’t actually filled my aunt in on any of the romantic developments in mine and Greid’s relationship. Good job I hadn’t started the call by blurting out that I was in love with him. I wasn’t sure how she’d handle hearing that without any backstory. She might have thought I had been brainwashed by the cult.
“I really, really don’t want anyone finding out,” I told Violet. “It was terrifying when I thought Mani might find out when I applied for my job. I nearly ran out of the bar while she was in the office on the phone to you.”
Violet didn’t answer at first, but I got distracted as I passed the clothing store I always peered into on my way to work. There in the display was the dark green dress I’d been eyeing up for a while now—the one with a high collar decorated with a little black ribbon.
“Maybe I’ll buy the dress,” I said absently, stopping outside the shop. “Maybe it’ll make me feel more confident.”
“The green one?” Violet said quickly. “Yes, you should buy it. You deserve it. And you earned it. You’ve been working so hard.”
“I don’t know…” I said uncertainly, shifting from foot to foot. “It’s kind of expensive.”
“So? Treat yourself, Beryl. Or I could send you the money. You’d just have to tell me how to get it to you—”
“No, it’s okay.” I hesitated for a second longer, then stepped closer to the door. “I’m going to get it.”
“Good for you, Beryl! I wish I could see you in it. I bet you’ll look so pretty.” Violet hesitated, then tentatively said, “Maybe you could come and visit me and wear it then.”
I froze with my hand outstretched for the door handle. “Oh. Um…”
“You don’t have to, of course.” Now she sounded flustered. “I know your feelings about this place aren’t too fond, but… Sorry, forget I said it. Maybe I can get special permission to go into the city alone and meet you in a coffee shop or something.”
I stepped back from the door, my hand clenching into a fist as a shockingly strong wave of anger made my shoulders hunch up. In an instant, I felt disgusted with myself. And ashamed. I couldn’t understand how I’d stayed so long at that place. Hearing Violet say she’d “ask for permission” to go out alone seemed so awful and foreign now, when just weeks ago it had been my norm.
And it shouldn’t be the norm.
“You shouldn’t do that,” I heard myself vacantly say. “Those steps are brutal. Maybe I could…”
I trailed off, because I didn’t want to promise anything. I didn’t want to tell her that I’d go back to the cult to see her, even though that had been my plan when I left. I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to do it now.
“Don’t worry about it now, Beryl,” Violet said in an overly cheerful tone. “Go and buy your dress. And have fun tonight with your friend. Don’t overthink it. The cult… That’s all behind you now. You have a new life. Enjoy it.”
I pursed my lips. It wasn’t as simple as just putting it all behind me, but I knew she was just trying to reassure me. “I will. Thanks, Auntie. Speak to you soon.”
“I love you, Beryl.”
“I love you too. Bye.”
I bought the dress. And after, I went to Deep Brew and got our coffees, picking up a blood tart and several other pastries for Greid as well. But Violet’s mention of visiting her had made me feel weird and unsettled, so when I got home, I called out to Greid that his coffee was in the living room before beelining straight for his blanket fort in the corner.
After setting my takeout cup on the windowsill, I lay down with my face buried in one of the many pillows.
