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I wanted to leave. I leaned against my bike, pressing my hands on the leather seat to remind myself I had an easy exit whenever I needed it.
"Bet it pisses you off that we're still afloat without your help." He scoffed when I didn't answer immediately.
I took my time, needing to be careful with how this conversation proceeded. While my parents weren't visibly bothered, TJ was quite the opposite. Despite that, I could hear the hurt behind the daggers he was throwing in my direction.
"I'm not pissed," I said calmly. "But you guys aren't completely afloat without my help."
He sucked the back of his teeth and threw up his hands in disbelief.
"Mom requested a couple hundred the other day," I said. The confession made him freeze.
"Why?"
I shrugged. "Said it was for a medical bill."
"She…" He closed his eyes and pinched his nose. "I told her I'd take care of it."
"Maybe she didn't want to wait. Aren't you between jobs?" I didn't mean for it to come off as judgmental; I knew how hard it was to get work. My luck in the industry wasn't always a sure thing. Before my full-time offer, I worked at a grocery store and drew my comics between checking people out at the register.
"I've been handling things," he promised as he met my gaze. TJ looked at the house like Mom might be watching us. All the curtains were pulled shut, though. A few streetlights came on as the sky got darker. "Doing everything I can."
"Right." I nodded and added in a lower voice, "Like quitting your job."
"It was a gut reaction," he snapped.
"I figured. Most of your decisions are."
"We can't all be level-headed and talented like you." The bitterness in his voice made the words sound like a taunt. "Can't all make a living doing what we enjoy. Some of us have to claw our way through the real world, survive any way we can. Sometimes, that survival looks like quitting to the outside."
My heart sank at his words. The slight hitch in his voice was as much sadness as he'd shown since he was a little kid and I had to bandage him up on the playground.
I raised TJ. I didn't like to think of it that way, because of how crappy things had turned out, but I did. Anytime he got in trouble, I felt like I was the one responsible. Over the years, I'd tried to see things through a healthier lens. He was an adult who could make his own decisions. I didn't decide that he should start lifting cars. I didn't decide he'd have those thefts on his record. Despite that, I still felt like I owed him an apology. I owed them all one, but I was too arrogant to admit it.
"I don't care about the money," I reminded him. "It was never about the money."
He scoffed and sniffed all in one go. "Yeah right."
My gaze hardened. "It's not. It's about me getting so overwhelmed that I…"
His eyebrows wrinkled. "You?"
"I…" My throat tightened. I made a fist with one hand, tightening it more whenever I felt a wave of unwanted anger warm my body. "I was the only one trying. For years. I thought it'd change when everyone grew up, but you started getting into trouble. Ash followed your lead, and I was still the only one trying."
As I spoke, my voice got louder and surer. TJ stayed silent, face unreadable as my words fell over him.
"I burned myself out. Every dollar I earned I saved because every day was a rainy day. Once you guys saw that, you didn't feel the need to pitch in. You felt safe, T. I was terrified, and you felt safe."
I couldn't hold his gaze for long after I made that confession. TJ shifted, like he didn't know whether to come closer or keep his distance. In the end, he decided on distance.
I should have been happy they'd felt safe, right? That's what a good person would do, what a good daughter and sister would do. She'd make sure her family was safe. But, I couldn't feel happy for them. I was too upset to feel anything but anger, and then shame about the anger.
"I didn't know you were scared." TJ didn't look like he could empathize. He barely looked like he understood what I said.
I blinked and walked a few steps away. I ended up on one side of my bike while he remained on the other.
"You always seemed okay with everything," he said, still watching me.
I laughed, trying to find my way back to a sense of calm. I couldn’t, though. No matter how much I tried, it was like swimming against the tide.
