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“So, I was left with nothing,” I said. “I couldn’t draw when I couldn’t see the point. If my stories were going to be taken and molded to be like those that have already been told, what was the point?”
“Why didn’t you quit? You have an audience on Inkmic, a hardcore audience that will go to hell and back for you.”
“I was too scared to do it on my own.” I looked at my hands when I told her. “I’d run myself into the ground. Without Tyson and the team, I didn’t think I’d be able to do it on my own. I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed. Tyson had to put in my request for a leave of absence to save my ass because I wouldn’t do it myself. I stopped responding to everyone and everything. I wanted to disappear into nothing, and with it, I deleted a shit ton of work. Months of my work, just to get back at them. Tyson saved me there, too. Told Harpy that my files got corrupted because I never backed up my data. Simple slaps on the wrists for us, a break for me.”
The wind whistled between us—I didn’t feel as heavy as I usually do, but not necessarily light either. Confessing my shortcomings to the one person who could use my weaknesses against me wasn't the smartest thing. She could throw this in my face whenever we had another argument, maybe use some of this information to get me fired. I would have fired me.
Even with something happening between us, I should keep my guard up. Old me wouldn't have trusted her for months, yet this me wanted to know her and her to know me.
“Gutsy move,” Noah whispered. "Deleting the files."
I stared at her for a second and then laughed. She joined in, but with an unsure cadence.
“I tell you the worst thing that’s ever happened in my career and that’s all you have to say?”
“I wasn’t finished.” Noah laughed more freely now. “It was gutsy. Also understandable, but mostly childish.”
“I’ve been paying all the bills for my folks since I learned how to draw decently and fill out an application,” I confessed.
She raised a brow, surprised. “Wow, okay.”
My cheeks burned, because I hadn’t meant to share that yet. One confession was enough for tonight. “What I mean is, I didn’t have much experience in the childish department. That was bound to catch up to me."
“It didn’t just catch you, it swallowed you whole.”
“Tell me about it,” I agreed. “Now you know I am prone to wreckage like every other artist. As much as I would love to float above it all, I eventually dragged myself down.”
“How did you get out of it? The burnout?”
“After days in darkness, I…” I paused and rocked back and forth, trying to decide if I wanted her to know this. There would be no taking it back. “Started reading the comics on Inkmic for the first time in forever, and I found your page. Your mermaid comic.”
She froze, unblinking with her mouth half open. “What? Really?”
I smiled. “Yeah. It was cheesy at first.”
Noah scoffed and chucked a balled-up napkin at me.
“I wasn’t finished,” I tried to mimic her. “After the first couple of chapters, you started exploring the characters, Meegan in particular.”
Noah nodded, sobering up. “She’s a fan favorite.”
“Her bisexuality…you handled it well. That confusion and then the loneliness. I remembered that feeling. I thought something was wrong with me before I figured out and accepted I was bi.”
She nodded and kept quiet, eyes soft with patience.
“I didn’t even know about bisexuality.” I laughed. “Which is weird, right? I thought you had to choose something. I always heard don’t be greedy, pick a side, but, I never thought of bisexuality as greediness. I thought it was inevitable to fall in love with so many kinds of people.”
“Inevitable,” she agreed. “Beautiful, and so human—which is even more evidence of your mortality."
I smiled. “You reminded me of that with Meegan. I binged everything you posted in an hour. Then, I dumped a concerning amount of money into the coins so I could read the rest behind a paywall.”
“You could have emailed me, you know,” she teased.
“Yeah right. What could I say? Hey, Noah, I’m the girl who used to tell you your anatomy was shit and your stories were lazy. Can I have free copies of your comic you’re probably only getting pennies on?”
“I would have answered back I’ll think about it,” she joked with a laugh.
I shook my head. “Too polite for your own good.”
