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I’m walking on eggshells. A baby deer navigating the dating world after being married for ten years. I have no idea how to be in a new relationship with a powerful, commanding, enigmatic, bossy man without comparing him to my ex. I swore I’d never be with a man like Joar.
Yet, here I am. Sucked back in.
“Can’t you sleep?” Joar’s voice startles me. I didn’t even notice he woke up.
I don’t turn around, afraid to look at him. “No. I’m in that stupid vortex where I’m beyond tired and I’m putting so much pressure on myself to get to sleep, the anxiety of it all is keeping me awake.”
“Should I make you come?” He rolls me toward him and kisses my temple. “Would that help relax you?”
I sigh. “Sex isn’t always the answer, JJ.”
“Disagree completely.” He yawns. Looks at me with sleepy eyes. “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“Do you realize we never resolved anything?” I sit up and turn to face him. “I know it’s crazy early in the morning, but…”
He scrutinizes me, probably wondering what the hell is going on with me.
“We need to talk.” I crawl over him to roll off the giant bed. Pick up my sundress. Slip it over my head. “This is a clothing-mandatory conversation.”
“Okay.” Joar squeezes his eyes shut for a second before reluctantly swinging his feet to the ground. He locates his joggers and T-shirt and dresses quickly. “Let’s go talk.”
He follows me out to the kitchen, where I put on a pot of coffee. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t.” He holds his hand up.
“Don’t what?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Start any conversation with ‘I’m sorry.’” Joar takes a seat at the counter. His hair sticks up everywhere and his eyes are puffy. He’s JJ right now. Vulnerable. Nothing like the powerful man in a suit. “Now all I’m thinking is that you’re about to end this.”
Crap. Am I?
I decide to be brutally honest. “I don’t know.”
“Are you fucking serious?” He reels like he’s been slapped.
The coffee’s done. I stay calm. Take a minute to pour us each a cup. He shoves it away when I place it on the counter. Stares at me with blatant disgust.
I try again to find my words. “Well… Yes, I’m serious. Because I left, you brought me back and once again, we haven’t stopped fucking in three days.”
“Oh, hell no. We’re not just fucking, Clover.“ He smacks his hand on the counter. “We’ve been in perfect sync for over a week except for one day when you got scared. Making love to you is all I can think about. Isn’t this a normal part of a new relationship? I’m not going to apologize for wanting to have as much sex with you as humanly possible.” He sits perfectly still, his expression can only be described as exasperated.
“What relationship?” My voice quivers.
He stares at me, aghast.
“I’m serious, JJ.”
He blinks rapidly. “What do you mean?”
“I’m a mess. I want to know what happens when you go to London. On a trip you never told me about.” I wrap my arms around myself. “And—before you say it—I know I don’t have the right to ask.”
“What? Of course you have the right to ask. Who do you think I am?“ He shakes his head. Winces as if what he’s about to say is going to hurt. “I’m treading lightly, Clover. Very fucking lightly. After you bolted that day, I don’t want to do or say anything to spook you.”
I move toward him. Place my hand over his. “No, JJ. You can’t think that way. It means you’re not being authentic. Don’t manage me. Be honest. Otherwise, it feels like you’re still trying to close a deal. But, I have no idea what the terms are.”
“You. You’re the deal I want to close, sweetness. I want to be with you. No terms.” His voice is sweet. Caring. He turns his hands and twines his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I guess I thought it was obvious. I want us to be together. A couple. Committed. All of it.”
Now that he’s said the words which linger in the air between us, I’m sad.
