AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Her parents are sad, but resigned. “If you change your mind remember, no matter what, we’re always here.”
As we head out, Shay clings tightly to my hand. I open the door for her and she climbs in. By the time we’re on the road, she’s curled up in the passenger seat, staring out the window.
“Are you okay? We’ll pick up your car next week.” I reach over and squeeze her shoulder.
She shakes her head. “Oh, I know. I have so much on my mind after today.”
“Yeah. Fine. I’ll give you room in my closet, I have plenty.” I try to lighten the mood.
She doesn’t react. Stares out the window.
“I’m not going to treat you like a pestering parent about the epilepsy, Shay. I’ll be here to lift you up when you have a rough day. I’ll be by your side if you have an incident.” I stroke the side of her neck with my finger. “If you need me to help remind you to take it easy if you’ve had a stressful day at work or aren’t feeling well, I can do that.”
Shay turns to face me. “I’m glad you know. It’s such a relief.”
“Yeah?”
“A couple days before he broke things off with me, Devon asked me about a conversation we’d had at dinner with the Raiders’ coaching staff before he signed his contract. I couldn’t remember a word of it. I tried to play it off, but I was busted by my short-term memory problems.” Shay looks down at her lap.
This is a conversation I’ve wanted to have. “Wait, so Devon did know?”
“No, I never told him. The whole thing perpetuated on itself. At the time of that dinner, we’d been together for so many years, what would I have said? ‘So, crazy story, Devon, I have epilepsy and it makes it hard for me to remember things sometimes, nothing personal. Sorry I didn’t tell you years ago.’” Shay laughs bitterly. “I played it off and basically gaslit him. Made him feel like he was making shit up. But, I could tell by his face that he knew something was wrong. He found my meds a few days later. I lied about what they were for—pretended they were anti-anxiety.”
The revelation is surprising considering how honest and forthcoming Shay’s been with me. “Why would you keep it from him?”
“I can’t defend myself, not really. Although, you have no idea what a stigma it’s been. Plus, the drugs kept everything at bay for the most part until…” She wrinkles her nose. “Until it was manifesting in weird ways and made me seem more like a charm-school dropout than a loser who forgot important conversations. Another example? Devon and I were at I fancy dinner with a group of players and their significant others in Cincinnati. Everyone was chatty. Apparently, I began banging my butter knife on the table demanding that the waiter bring our food. Repetitive bodily behaviors like that are some of the ways complex partial seizures can manifest, but of course no one knew that. Everyone genuinely thought I was being funny. Devon left a generous tip, though.”
I’m overwhelmed learning more about what Shay has been dealing with for so long. It can’t be easy living in a body you can’t control. Still, if Shay has unresolved business with the man she hoped to marry, I need to know. “Do you think that’s why things ended? Because you weren’t honest with him?”
“Possibly.” Her eyes fill with tears.
I suck in a breath. I don’t want to be someone’s sloppy seconds. But goddamnit. I love this woman so much. My voice is ragged, pleading, “You don’t want him back?”
“No.” Shay shakes her head vigorously. “I want you. Only you. Understand, living my truth is the one way for me to live authentically. I never want to feel like I’m about to get caught again. If he hadn’t broken up with me, I don’t know what would have happened—well, I do. I’d be faking my life. Every second of it. Even though I’m going through loads of painful shit currently, it’s real. You and I…we’re real.”
“We are,” I confirm as we pull into the parking garage of my building.
I believe Shay, I do.
Still…I wonder—if Devon knew the truth about her illness, would he have thrown their relationship away so casually?
And, what would she do if he wanted her back?
Chapter twenty-two
Shay
A Few Minutes Later
One thing most people with epilepsy have in common is that we look like healthy people.
Until there’s an episode.
It’s difficult to talk about. To explain. Particularly if you don’t understand it yourself. For me, living with epilepsy is an emotional, difficult, and lonely reality. Though I’ve tried to remain positive and unbothered by it, the side effects are brutal—and I’ve been through them all. Bad reaction to medication. Concentration and memory problems. Fatigue. Learning difficulties. Sluggishness. Insecurity.
Yeah. Insecurity. It’s why I lie about it. Why I keep things from people. But lying doesn’t make me feel better. In fact, the guilt and shame is overwhelming.
And yet, I’ve done it again. At least this time it wasn’t about my condition. Maybe it’s worse. I lied to my twin about falling for his best friend. When all he’s done is help and support me. No wonder he let me have it.
