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“You didn’t dump anything. I asked. If you want to talk more, give me a call. The truth is, I can use some more friends.”
It feels like I’ve been given a gift. “Me too.”
* * *
We linger for a long time at dinner, so it’s late when William’s driver finally picks us up to take us home.
Other than his comments about my jewelry and some basic courteous responses, William hasn’t said much. And he’s quieter than ever as we climb into the back of the car.
When I ask him how he’s feeling, he tells me he’s fine, so I don’t push it. I lean against him as we sit together in the back seat, and eventually he puts an arm around me. I hear him sigh. Then his body starts to relax.
It’s slow going at first since there’s a lot of traffic near the restaurant, but we eventually get out of the worst of it. It takes about twenty-five minutes to get home in normal traffic, but not far from home the driver brakes suddenly until we come to a complete stop.
I straighten up and peer out the window. All the cars around us are stopped too.
“Traffic jam,” I say to William, who hasn’t straightened up but has lifted his head from where he was reclining it against the headrest. “Just wonderful.”
There’s a window between us and the driver’s seat, obscured and soundproofed for privacy. I should use the intercom to talk, but I always feel weird doing it, so I roll down the dividing window instead.
Leaning forward, I ask Ray, “Do you know what’s going on?”
Ray is a competent, beefy guy who used to be a Navy SEAL. He looks intimidating, but he’s polite, good-natured, and easily amused. I’ve always liked him. “Sounds like there’s a big accident about a mile ahead of us. Gonna be a while. Sorry.”
“Not your fault. Hopefully they’ll get it cleared quickly.” I smile at him before I roll back up the window. Then I lean back against the seat, as close to William as I was before. “Well, that’s just great. Glad I peed before I left the restaurant.”
William’s body shakes with a silent chuckle. “Yeah. That was smart.”
“You don’t need to go, do you?”
“Nah, I’m fine.” He leans his head back and closes his eyes. There are shadows beneath them. He looks utterly exhausted.
I can’t help it. I reach up to stroke his face gently. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” he says again, opening his eyes. His expression isn’t annoyed or impatient. More curious than anything else. “Why do you keep asking?”
“I don’t know. You just look…” I’m not sure how to put it in words. “I thought you would be… happier today.”
“Yeah,” he admits very softly. He’s not meeting my eyes, but he wraps his arm around me again. “Me too.”
I swallow over a lump and reach over to grab his free hand, stroking it with both of mine. “Do you not want all this responsibility anymore?”
“I still want it. It’s exactly what I want.” He clears his throat, pausing before he adds, “It feels like I’m finally starting to get everything I want.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“It doesn’t change who I am. Even in a new situation, I’m still… me. And the truth is…”
When he trails off, I turn his head so he’s looking down at me. “What’s the truth, William?”
His voice is raw, thick, reluctant. “The truth is I’m scared shitless I’m going to lose everything I just barely have.”
I know how he feels. Exactly how he feels. Because I feel the exact same way about him.
It feels like I’ve barely gotten my fingers wrapped around him, and he’s going to be ripped out of my grip at any moment.
With a sympathetic noise in my throat, I pull him down enough to wrap my arms around him in a hug. It’s awkward because of our seat belts. I end up taking mine off. After a minute, he pulls me into his lap so he can hold me more easily.
We sit that way for a long time. At one point, the car moves up a few feet but then comes to a dead stop again.
