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But still. I feel a little bit like a failure—like the nervous sixteen-year-old I used to be—and I don’t want Chase to see.
Chase pumps the gas while I get out to step my way over the wet pavement to the building so I can go to the bathroom and buy us both a cinnamon cappuccino. When I come outside, Chase is on his way inside, but he takes a detour to carry the cups for me back to the car.
I get into the driver’s seat without discussion, and he doesn’t object. He heads back inside to go to the bathroom himself.
I try willing myself into calm and composure for the few minutes he’s gone. When he returns, he gets into the passenger seat with an exaggerated shiver. “Freezing out there.”
“I know.” The sleet looks worse than it was, but it’s still mostly a cold rain. There are plenty of cars still out on the road. It’s not dangerous conditions yet.
It simply makes me anxious. That’s a me problem, not a weather problem.
I put on my seat belt and take a deep breath. It comes out loud and shaky.
“You don’t have to drive if you don’t want,” Chase murmurs, reaching out to massage the back of my neck again.
“I can do it.”
“I know you can. I never questioned it for a minute. But you don’t have to do it. Why won’t you let me do this for you?”
I’m ridiculously emotional, and I have no idea why. “I... don’t like to feel like I can’t. I’ve always done things on my own. I’ve always taken care of myself.”
“I know you have. But you’re not alone right now. So maybe share some of it with me.”
My shoulders shake. I turn my head so he can’t see me contorting my face to keep from crying. I’m embarrassed by my irrational breakdown, but I can’t seem to help it.
“Baby, please.” He combs his fingers into my hair and strokes the base of my head.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I choke on a little sob. “This is ridiculous.”
“No, it’s not. You’ve spent most of your life holding on tight. Making sure nothing slips out of your grip. It’s hard. When you let go. On purpose. It might be even harder than holding on.”
I turn back to face him, my face twisting as I see what looks like tenderness in his eyes. I nod jerkily, a few tears slipping out. “Can you... can you drive?”
Something happens to his face very briefly. It’s like it cracks for a few seconds. He makes a soft, ragged sound. “Yes, baby. I’m happy to drive.”
I let out a few more sobs as I get out of the car. He comes around and hugs me under the covering over the gas pumps.
I shake against him for a minute before I pull away, feeling better. A little embarrassed by my vulnerability but also much, much better. “Okay. I’m good. Thank you.”
He leans down to kiss me. “Thank you.”
THE WEATHER GETS WORSE as we get into the mountains. By the time we’re on the outskirts of Asheville, there are winter weather advisories and a number of accidents. If we weren’t so close to our hotel, I’d have suggested we just stop, but we’ve almost made it at last.
This evening and next, we’re staying at a luxury mountain resort. It’s the most expensive of all the accommodations on the trip, and I’ve been really excited about it. Chase is doing well on the road, but I’m still tense and nervous on the last stretch of the drive—the country road we take for several miles to reach the hotel.
It’s almost three by the time we get there. We were supposed to stop at a few of the shops and crafters I’d lined up before we check in, but there’s no way we’re making any extra stops today.
It’s a relief to pull up at the door and have the parking valet take the keys.
We’re too early to get into our room, so they suggest we get a drink at the bar or hang out in the scenic lounge area. We find a cozy love seat near a fire with a great view of the winter mountain vista.
Chase puts his arm around me, and I can finally really relax.
I rub my cheek against his dark green crewneck. He smells like Chase. Soap and coffee and laundered clothes and a hint of an earthier fragrance. Natural but not strong enough to be unpleasant.
I like it. Breathe him in.
He brushes a few kisses into my hair. “You okay?”
