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“Don’t you want to pee before you go to sleep?”
That had always been one of her strictest protocols, since she was prone to UTIs.
“Ugh. You’re such a mean ex. Why couldn’t you have forgotten all those gory details?” Grumbling, she rolled onto her side, then onto her front, then off the bed. He knew his woman. “Can I borrow your swanky robe? It’s cozier than that cobweb I was wearing.”
“Elton says it’s all yours.”
“Thanks, Elton. I always did love you.” Wrapped in the robe, which was so big on her she had to lift the hem off the floor, she skipped out of the room.
He pulled back the covers and climbed in, spread-eagling his arms and legs so he could warm both sides of the bed. Would they claim the same sides they used to? He’d always been on the left, her on the right, closer to the door. That made it easier for her to slip out to tend to a kid who needed attention. Sometimes one of the kids needed to climb into bed with them, in which case he’d nestle in the middle.
Jenna had told him that Bean still did that occasionally, after a bad dream or a difficult day at school. He’d felt a stab of pure envy and nostalgia since he’d loved the coziness of those moments, the feeling of deep peace and slumber.
When she’d first talked about divorce, he’d thought, ever so briefly, about fighting for custody. And then he’d banished the thought forever. The best thing he’d done for the boys was to spare them and Jenna a custody battle. He’d trusted that she would let the boys see him as much as they—and he—needed, and that was exactly what she’d done.
When she came back, closing the door behind her, she paused at the look on his face. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I was just thinking…” I love you. You’re a remarkable human being and I’m so grateful. “Thanks.”
“For the awesome sex? Sure thing, man.” All jaunty, she hopped toward the bed and bounded onto it. “If you didn’t warm my side up, I will…” He moved aside to make room for her. After flinging aside the robe, she dove under the covers with a deep sigh. “You warmed my side. You’re a hero.”
Her body nestled against his. Her skin had chilled from that short trip to the bathroom. “Cold night. It must be close to zero out there.”
“Hmmm.” Her contented tone told him she didn’t care what temperature it was outside.
“Think the boys are warm enough?”
“The rest of the house is perfectly warm. We’re the only ones in Siberia here.”
“Good thing, too, with the noises you were making.”
She swatted his chest, but the motion had no energy behind it. She was already yawning, and would probably be asleep in a matter of moments. He caught her hand against his chest. “I wasn’t thanking you for sex.”
“Oh. Was it not to your satisfaction?”
He snorted to show how ridiculous that question was. “I was thanking you for being the person that you are. For everything. From the moment we met until the moment you kicked me to the curb, to this moment now. I’m incredibly grateful for you. No matter what happens.”
She was quiet for a time and he thought maybe she’d fallen asleep. But then she spoke. “I feel the same. But I didn’t kick you to the curb. I’m sorry if that’s how it feels.”
He turned on his side to face her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear so he could see her face. “What do you mean?”
“It wasn’t really about you. It was me. I put so much of myself into you, and then you were out there doing your thing, and that was all wonderful, I was just as proud as if I was the one hitting home runs. But then I started hearing rumors and reading things in the paper and I…I just couldn’t keep myself together.”
“You were jealous. I get it. But—”
“No no, that’s the thing. I mean, yes, I was jealous. But that was the obvious part, the easy part to figure out. It was easy to be jealous and mad and angry at you. The hard part was me. I told you before that I didn’t feel like a whole person. I felt torn apart, like there was nothing there where I was supposed to be. I had to…pull back from you and figure out how to be me. Me without you.”
Afraid to move a muscle, he listened closely to every word. At the time of their divorce, she’d never been able to fully explain her need to not be married to him anymore. She’d focused on his partying and the rumors of girls, and he had no answer to that other than to assure her that he hadn’t cheated.
But he’d danced with other women, gotten drunk with other women. Once he got some drinks into him, he was Billy Club. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be married to that man anymore. So he hadn’t fought the divorce. Through the din of new fame and applause and an alcohol haze, he’d heard the pain in her voice. He’d listened to that, and given her everything she asked for.
Now he was even more glad that he had.
“Do you still feel that way? That you’re not a whole person?” He found himself holding his breath for her answer. If she did still feel like that, then the two of them had no chance. He wouldn’t Bigfoot into her life again.
“You know…I really don’t.” She rolled onto her side to face him. The candlelight made her eyes glow such an incredible shade of moonlight gray that he was sorry there was no artist present to record it. “I have a lot more confidence now than I used to. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Why the hell would I mind?”
