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Might as well rip off that Band-Aid.
He blinked at me as if he was surprised at my revelation. I opened my mouth, about to get defensive, when he stopped me with a chuckle. “It’s not. That doesn’t mean anything. I’vebeenwith a lot of girls but I wasn’t in love with any of them.”
I arched my brow. “Definea lot of girls.”
He bit down on his lip, the corner of his mouth tilting into a smirk. “Are you jealous, Pep?”
“No,” I muttered. I shook my head and looked away, feeling my cheeks begin to blaze.
He roared with laughter. “You have nothing to be jealous of. None of them would hold a candle to you.” I leaned my head against the seat window, watching the airport creep by us as the plane slowly began to move away from the gate.
I turned slightly towards him. “You can’t say that. You’ve never had sex with me.”
Oh my God, did I just say that?
I looked down at my lap to hide my face.
“Penelope, look at me.” I kept my head down but glanced up through my lashes. He was studying my lips as he leaned in slightly and said just above a whisper, “If having sex with you is anything at all like kissing you, then I am certain that nothing else could ever compare.”
It seemed as if the pilot themself was hanging on those words because once they left his mouth, a force pulled me back against my seat as the plane began to pick up speed. My heart was hammering in my chest and my stomach was fluttering. His eyes were still focused on my lips, but the way his chest moved told me that he might be feeling exactly what I am.
“Haveyouever been in love?” I found myself asking.
He broke his gaze and his brows furrowed softly before he let out an exasperated sigh. “Not with anyone I’ve fucked.”
My breath caught as the plane began to accelerate down the runway. His response was a non-answer. I was too afraid to ask more, to even consider what he could’ve meant by it. I was afraid to think too deeply about all the other girls he didn’t love. I’d never much minded cursing, but the wordfuckedhung in the air around us, causing a bubble of jealousy to bloom inside my gut. I might hate that word forever now.
After a moment, he cleared his throat, and I realized I hadn’t responded. I looked up at him. “Right. Well, to answer your question, no I don’t speak to James anymore.”
Carter only nodded, gripping the armrest we lifted off the earth. I looked at his hands again and reminded myself of how ill I felt at the thought of those hands touching someone else’s body. I looked at his face and wondered if that’s how he felt about James. If he was thinking of James touching me. Kissing me. Being inside me. Something in his expression tells me that’s exactly what he’s thinking about, and I want to tell him that it’s all true. James did all those things to me.
And all of them reminded me of Carter.
I wasn’t sure exactly what kind of friendship Carter and I were falling into. It was different than when we were kids. We spent time together, time that wasn’t forced upon us. I felt like I was finally getting the chance to really know him. I was finding that I really enjoyed the person I was meeting. There were zips of electricity that blazed through my body every time I was near him, and there may be a part of me that thinks he feels it too. I know those zips can’t be ignored forever, and that means that eventually I’ll have to tell him the real reason why I moved home.
I felt guilty, lying to him. I’d told him I was tossed out of Oxford due to a fraudulent letter of recommendation. While that hadn’t beenentirelyuntrue, it hadn’t been the whole truth, either. When I told him, he was kind. He understood. He accepted it– accepted me. If I’d told him the whole truth, I couldn't be sure the reaction would’ve been the same. In fact, I was almost positive it would’ve been the opposite. There was no motivation that warranted what I’d done. The actions I took. I know that now, but I needed the time to show Carter that I knew that. That I'd made the worst mistake I’d ever made, and that it wasn’t something I’d ever do again. I couldn’t have explained that to him in a crowded bar, though. But I would tell him. I had to.
Except, I knew there was a good chance that once he learns that about me, he’ll want nothing to do with me. I want to prepare for that to happen, and I’m not there yet. A part of me knows that getting close to Carter—in any way—could just cause me more pain down the road. Another part of me doesn’t care. A third part of me knows the inevitability of it all crashing down and wants to hatch an escape plan for when it does. That escape plan being school. In the meantime, though, I’m going to hang onto him as tight as I can and hope it doesn’t hurt too much when everything falls apart.
? ? ?
“Don’t freak out,” Macie pleaded from the front steps of the villa she’d rented. She raced inside the house the moment Jeremy put the rental car in park, only to return a moment later with the horrified expression she was giving me now. “There is only one bedroom… I– I swear the listing said it was two rooms.”
I stared at her blankly, all too aware of Carter’s gaze on me as he grabbed my bag from the trunk. I walked up the steps and into the house with him on my heels. I glanced around the room and made note of the surroundings. It was very small. A short hallway past the kitchen held two closed doors. One door must’ve led to the bathroom, meaning the other was the only bedroom in the house. “Two rooms? Or twobedrooms?” I asked. “Because this is a room.” I waved my hands in the air referencing the living room we were in, glancing at the couch that clearly held a hide-away bed. “A living room. That,” I pointed at the closed door in front of me, “is a bedroom.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, it said it slept four people!”
Carter looked at me with concern as he gently set my things down onto the floor. I could demand the bedroom, but that would make no sense. It would leave the three of them left to fight over the couch. Plus, Macie already called dibs on the king bed, and we took dibs very seriously. That meant Carter and I were left to sleep out here. Much to my surprise, I laughed. “Two people per bed.” I soon found myself unable to stop.
My friends looked at me like I had gone completely insane.
Maybe I had, because this was starting to sound like the beginning of those cheesy rom-coms– the ones where there is only one bed. I was laughing so much because, despite that, I had no problem sharing a bed with Carter. I would love to share a bed with Carter. In fact, I’d spent our entire plane ride thinking about all the things I’d love to do in bed with him.
I shook those thoughts away, along with the irony. “You’re sleeping on the floor,” I said to Carter. He held his hands up and nodded, as if to tell me there would be no argument on his end. “And if any of you fucks with me while I’m sleeping, I’ll…” I tried to think of an idle threat. “I’ll throw you off one of these cliffs.”
They all laughed at my expense as I grabbed my bag off the floor and found a corner of the room to make my own. We all took turns freshening up. It felt strangely reminiscent of the family trips we used to take as kids. I expected to feel a little uneasy traveling with Carter, but I wasn’t. I realized we’d done this a dozen times before, at least. Our dads used to be joint owners on a cabin up in Northern Washington, at the base of Mt. Rainier. We spent weekends every summer in the cabin by the lake. The cabin only had four bedrooms, so me, Maddie, and Carter’s sister, Charlie, shared a room. Easton and Carter shared one too. Our rooms had adjoining doors and sometimes, on the rare occasions where we weren’t fighting each other, we’d open the doors and have one big sleepover. They decided to sell the cabin when we were teenagers because we’d all become so busy that we never made it up there anyway. We couldn’t have been older than ten the last time we had a sleepover.
When I finished showering, I stepped outside the back of the house to admire the view. The veranda had a few chairs, a bar-b-que, sweeping views of the ocean below, and a hammock. While the rest of the crew meandered around the house getting settled in, I hopped into the hammock, popped in my ear buds and decided I’d try to nap.
