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I think I was most upset over the fact that I was pregnant with Mecca’s baby and the pregnancy wasn’t full term. All night I thought about how different things would have been if I didn’t get that abortion. We probably would have suffered a lot and broken up, forced to co-parent for the rest of our days. Or maybe, we would have strengthened our bond and been married with three more children by now. Every time I thought about how our future was taken from us, I got upset with our parents. We were finally at a place where it seemed like we were in control of our destiny, and here came Hosanna with her baby.
“Ugh.”
Gripping my phone, I forced myself to text Mecca congratulations before tossing it onto my desk. I wanted to call Heaven, but she was at work. Carina was too. I took a chance and called Stephanie, knowing there was a chance she wouldn’t answer. To my surprise, she did.
“Hey, friend,” was her greeting.
“Hey, friend. You busy?”
“Nah. I was doing a little computer work for one of my virtual clients, but I can take a pause. Are you okay?”
I opened my mouth to spill my guts, but none of the words came out. Had I reacted too hastily? Was I silly for giving him up so easily? Now I was confused.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just… wanted to check on you and my nephew. I feel like I haven’t seen the two of you in forever.”
“I know, right? Being a single mom sucks at times but I wouldn’t trade my son in for anything in the world. We should do something when he goes on fall break since he’ll be with my parents. Maybe we can take a girls’ trip.”
“That sounds good, Stephanie. I’ll um… I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Nodding as if she could see me, I muttered, “Yes, I’m okay.”
“Okay. You’re lying. Call me when you’re ready to talk about what’s really on your mind.”
We both laughed but I agreed before disconnecting the call. I loved that about Stephanie. It didn’t matter if we talked once a month or once a week, we knew each other, and our bond was genuine.
I stood and decided to go for a swim to try and clear my mind, and that only made me question myself more. After I got Mecca the greenhouse, he mentioned being glad I had them put it off to the side because he’d already started getting estimates for having a pool placed underground for me. He was always so intentional with me. I felt like a fool to let him go. But I had to be honest with myself and admit I wasn’t sure I could watch him be a father to a child that wasn’t mine… knowing what we’d lost and what we wanted to gain.
Sym’s baby would have been different. We would have been adopting him or her together.
This was a baby with a woman who would very much be present in their life, sharing a bond with Mecca that would never include me the way I would need to be included to feel comfortable. I hadn’t really given him a chance to work out how to make this work for us. Maybe I needed to. In the meantime, I’d keep my distance, because I meant it when I said I didn’t want to say or do anything to ruin the progress we’d been making.
Late September
I’d been burying myself in work to avoid thinking about the fucked-up situation I was in. It was just my luck that, after finally getting back the woman of my dreams, the woman I wanted nothing to do with fucked up my reality. Hosanna was a lesson, a reminder, of why it was so important not to deal with people you didn’t truly like and see a future with. Carter may have given Shalom a hard time about her boundaries, but she had the right idea. If I had been the same way with Hosanna, I wouldn’t have carried on with her for the last year and gotten her pregnant.
As much as we had sex, even with a condom, there was a chance she was pregnant with my baby. I could also believe she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do if she was really pregnant with my baby. This was supposed to be Shalom—not Hosanna.
Hosanna’s appointment was this morning. We were going to confirm how far along she was so we could see about getting the DNA test done. I’d done a little research and learned we could get it done once she was at least eight weeks. Since I had no idea when we conceived this child, I didn’t know how soon we’d be able to get those results. I needed the results to make this real. When it was, I’d be able to start making plans.
In the meantime, I wanted Shalom to understand we weren’t breaking up because of this. No matter how selfish it was of me, I wasn’t going to let her go. I’d been thinking about it, and I could understand how frustrating it was for her to think about me having a baby with someone else while our reunion was so new, but I didn’t want the woman attached to the baby, and that’s what she wasn’t seeming to understand. All I could do was pray I could continue to treat her in a way that proved to her she was the only woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with—whether she had my baby or not.
Since I wanted to go to the doctor with Hosanna, I let Parker know I wouldn’t be in court with him today. We were wrapping up the case anyway. He had two more witnesses to call before we rested and started up with closing arguments, and he really didn’t need me for that.
I drove mindlessly, arriving at Shalom’s apartment. It seemed like fate because that genuinely wasn’t the place I planned to be. I wanted to go home, but I guess Iwashome. Shalom was my home. Getting out of the car, I took a deep breath and prayed we could have this conversation in peace, though I wasn’t sure what I would even say to her.
When she answered, I couldn’t help but smile. It felt like forever had passed since I’d seen her. Her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, and her reading glasses looked so cute on her beautiful, honey-brown face. She was dressed in one of my shirts and a pair of tube socks, smelling like pure soap as always.
“Mecca… hi.”
“Can I come in?”
“Um yeah, sure.”
After she closed the door, I told her, “I need you to get dressed.”
Confusion covered her pretty face. “For what?”
