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Miranda stares at the woman who is trying so hard to help her. “I promise you I will not be able to remember any of that.”
“Well, luckily, I have a present to help you!” Maria opens the drawer of the end table next to her chair and pulls out a small, white box, which she hands to Miranda.
Miranda opens the package to find a silver bracelet, an open cuff about three quarters of an inch wide. When she picks the bauble up, I can see words are engraved on the inside.
She reads, “Five see, four touch, three hear, two smell, one taste.”
Maria smiles. “Now you can remember. Use that as a talisman. Grab it when you need to remember what to do.”
My eyes squint as I look at the silver band and wonder if my part in this is still so important, now that she has shiny new jewelry to remind her about her new coping strategies.
Miranda takes a purposeful breath and calmly replies, “I’ll call you tomorrow to book my next session.”
Maria smiles to show there are no hard feelings from what transpired this session, which is good, because she wouldn’t be much of a therapist if there were.
I hold the door for Miranda as we leave and walk out to the parking lot. I want to hold her hand, but I feel as if someone hollowed me out with an ice cream scooper every time I catch a glimpse of her fancy new bracelet. So, I shove my hands into my pockets instead.
Miranda is still shaking when we get to the car. Wordlessly, I get into the driver’s side. I don’t want to be her passenger in her current state.
The silence in this car may crush me so I know I need to break it, even though I don’t want to draw attention to myself. “Thank you for letting me tag along.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. About the panic attacks, I mean. I didn’t want to worry you.” She’s staring down at the bracelet that she’s now rotating in her hands.
I reach over and put my hand on her thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze of affection before my voice cracks alive. “Hey, this isn’t my work to do. And if you ever want me to stay out so you can have some privacy with her, I’ll understand. Just say the word.”
With one hand she lets go of the bracelet and squeezes my hand. “I love you, you know.”
I pull hers to my mouth for a kiss. “I know.”
Chapter 3
Miranda
FifteenminutesafterleavingMaria’s office, Jake and I enter our favorite diner and slide into a booth. The whimsical décor of jewel-tone paisleys against black-and-white stripes and checkerboards always makes me feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole on my way to an absurd and eccentric tea party. But today I feel more as though I’m hitting a croquet ball with an uncooperative flamingo in a fruitless attempt to keep my head attached.
Jake and I spent most of the car ride over in silence, still processing Maria’s declaration about a traumatic event in my past. A friendly-enough-but-not-overly-chipper server comes to our table. She breaks the awkward silence we’ve been trying to pretend was due to studying the menus that we’ve each ordered from a hundred times before.
I eye the pancakes at the table across the aisle, but I know that protein is a better choice for me, so I begrudgingly order an egg white omelet with vegetables. I do order the rye toast though. George can pry that from my cold dead hands. Jake gets an omelet as well but opts for whole eggs and cheese. Which is fine, because he’s not the one who needs to get into prime fighting condition.
When she retreats to the kitchen, taking our menus with her, she leaves us without an excuse for the silence. We each take a few more moments to glance around the room, looking at the employee lowering the window shades after too many complaints about the sun, the black-and-white porcelain pendant light above our table, the yellow flowers in tall silver vases flanking a group of chotchkes in the same black and white theme as the lights. That is to say, we each take a few moments to look everywhere but at each other’s faces. Eventually, my eyes travel in a lopsided spiral inward and finally land on his. We give each other a half-hearted smile, the one where the corners of your mouths only twitch up and our lips bunch in on themselves.
Just then, the server brings my coffee. I take a moment to add the creamers, all four that I asked for, and watch them swirl like mystical clouds as they turn the dark brown liquid into golden-brown manna from heaven, which also brings it dangerously close to the rim of the mug.
I have to break the silence.
“So.” I have always been the bigger chatterbox in our relationship, so it’s weird to not have anything more to say.
“So.” Jake looks right into my eyes.
I wish I could read his mind, or that he would just tell me what he’s thinking. That would be even better. I wish I knew if we are ever going to fully heal, ever go back to how we used to be. I know going to Maria together is helping, but can it be enough?
“Hey Miranda, I was thinking...” He looks down at his hands. The nail of his forefinger is tapping at the table rapidly, almost sounding like Morse code. “I know I travel a lot for work, but we haven’t been away as a family in forever.”
“Right…well…I don’t know if I get any vacation time if that’s where you’re going.” My words drip with spiteful sarcasm I didn’t intend to use. I’m not sure we can go away for a multitude of reasons right now. In fact, I don’t know that I even want to go away. But my Guardian role seems the easiest way to deflect the idea, even if it’s also the most likely to start a fight.
“Well, I talked to George about that. He said it’s okay.”
I am floored. “You...talked to George about it? Without asking me? What, is he my keeper now?”
