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I wonder if he gathered it after our feet touched the sand.
I wonder if he did it for me.
I close my eyes and shake my head. There is no way he kept a memory of me after the way we parted. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve been watching too many romance stories on Netflix. For a woman who has stated time and time again that she doesn’t need love—and I know without a doubt that I certainly do notneedit—I often wonder if I’m fooling myself because, like most people …I want it.
If I didn’t want love, I wouldn’t have given myself so freely to a man the way I did with Luke. I wouldn’t slowly be welcoming him back into my heart despite how I vowed never to think about him again.
Oh, how I fooled myself. Luke’s all I’ve ever thought about. Especially in moments when I’m curled up with our daughter, listening to her deep, slow breaths as she falls into slumber, smelling the sweetness of her skin, watching the fluttering of her lashes, and staring in awe at the beautiful miracle that she is, I think about him.
I think about Luke when I’m working a wedding and how he showed up that night in Aruba, all clad in linen and his shirt unbuttoned just a touch, revealing that smooth chest, and showcased his award-winning grin. He had his eyes on me all night. While I pride myself on professionalism, I’ll never deny that I kept looking his way too.
I think of him when I’m by myself. In the car. In the shower. The bed. Hell, he’s even on my mind when I’m eating a bowl of cereal.
Perhaps that’s what love is. Echoing the spark that once was in order to keep that inner flame burning.
After I told Luke I was pregnant, I went to my grandmother for guidance.
Her words were simple.
“You don’t need a man to accomplish anything in this world. If he doesn’t want you and he doesn’t want that baby, he doesn’t deserve either of you. He gave up his right the moment he told you to abort. You want that baby, then you keep it and keep it on your terms. You accept full responsibility, and you can because I’m going to give you the means to make sure you don’t ever have to crawl to a man again.”
I was never concerned about being able to provide for my child. Yes, finding care for Ainsley while fulfilling my career desires was a worry, but it wasn’t what I immediately thought of. She convinced me that was my only concern. I never went back to bang down Luke’s door because I believed this wasmychoice. SomethingIwanted alone.
I never wanted to be alone.
I never wanted to dothisalone.
I never wanted to give Ainsley half a household. If I had known all these years that Luke was going to love her the way he does, I would’ve barged down his door tenfold.
I was so scared he wouldn’t want her. Devastated he didn’t want me. Even after he knew we were both here and so very willing, he turned us aside, and my heart couldn’t take it.
Now, I have regret.
The Luke I thought he was and the man he is now are the same, and I’m understanding the many facets of his soul. He’s complex—a charismatic and charming man, who is burdened with a truth that frightens him.
He reacts on impulse, driven by emotion. If you look closely, you’ll see those emotions written on his sleeve, so very available for you to read if you only take a glance.
I have always been the opposite. I hold my emotions back and only give a fraction of myself to others because I believed no one cared to be bothered. Because my business was no one else’s, I needn’t rely on anyone.
The truth is, I do need people.
I need friendship.
I need family.
I need love.
I slide out of the bed and head down the stairs in my bare feet. My plum-colored dress drags on the floor as I walk into the kitchen. Luke is leaning on the island, looking through his phone. He’s still in his tux, except his jacket is slung over one of the stools. His tie is loosened, hanging idly from his neck, with the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Silver cuff links are on the countertop as his sleeves are rolled up, three-quarters length on each side, revealing golden biceps.
His thick, styled brown hair is windswept from several spins around the carousel. That masculine jaw, roguish cleft chin, and that twinkle …damn, did the golden flecks of his eyes twinkle under the carousel lights this evening. He was so carefree and disarming that I felt all the butterflies in my stomach, as I had the night we met.
The difference is that smile, charm, and charisma are all meant for our daughter. They aren’t for me. I have to remember that. While I have him here in the present, the moments that we shared in the past are merely left to memories I carry with me.
“Your daughter was exhausted. She fell asleep quickly.”
He looks up from his phone. The sharp line of his jaw softens as he smiles at the sight of me. His eyes, however, don’t seem so carefree with the way they drink me in. I swear, the man has a way of making me quiver with a simple look, whether he intends to or not.
“Mydaughter.I loved saying it before, but now that it’s all happening out in the open and she knows …” He places a hand on his chest. “Did you hear her call me Daddy? That was single-handedly the greatest moment of my entire life. I mean it, I could drop dead right now. That is the most fantastic feeling in the world. I wish I had been here for all the firsts.”
