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I haven’t spoken to her since Harper passed away, which was seven years ago now. I don’t know what to do or think. The last I heard, she was living in Chicago.
She’s aged since I saw her last. Crow’s feet line her eyes and her hair is ashy blonde and pulled up into a tight ponytail. She’s put on some weight, and she looks good—healthy. Happy, even. A feeling I crave in this particular moment.
I’m not angry at her, I realize, just still hurt about what she did to me. We stare at each other for a second too long and someone clears their throat.
“Keep the line moving,” the old guy behind me says.
Finally, it’s my turn to be at the counter, and I pay for my coffee while Gemma stands to the side as if she’s waiting for me.
There is so much I wanted to say to her over the years. So much I wanted to tell her. That I hate her. About how much she ruined my life. But I don’t, because I don’t feel that way anymore, because I moved on with the love of my life. I fell in love with someone else. To be honest, I don’t think I ever loved Gemma. If I did, it would be like a blip in the universe, very easy to miss.
“Can we talk?” she asks, picking the little girl up and putting her on her hip. The little girl keeps waving at me.
I don’t want to speak to her, but I think I need this closure from her.
I follow her to a small table that’s tucked away in the corner. The little girl sits in her lap and grabs the cheese Danish and nibbles on it.
Rain pounds against the floor-to-ceiling windows as people stroll by, clutching tight to their coats and umbrellas.
There is too much tension between us. I never thought in a million years I would see Gemma again.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
Her words catch me off guard.
When I don’t respond, she continues. “I’m so sorry for all the turmoil I brought into your life. I was messed up back then. The drugs and the lying and trapping you with a baby… I shouldn’t have done that. I caused so many people so much pain, which is why I moved to another state. Afterherdeath.”
I can see the pain in her eyes, a mother yearning for her child. I recognize the pain, the same pain I see when I look in the mirror. The hollow emptiness in my chest, the guilt that eats me up at night.
I’m not equipped to console another person, so I just nod. I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for what she did to me, and there is no doubt Harper was my daughter despite what the DNA test said. She will always have a place in my heart. If she were alive today, I would still be taking care of her as if she were my own.
“It still hurts. A little too much for me, sometimes,” I admit as I turn my attention to the little girl. “Who is this little one?”
“Grace. I’m married now.”
I glance down at her hand, and sure enough a diamond ring is on her finger.
How does she have the courage to move on? How did she just get up and pack her life away and find peace?
I glance at her face. Gemma looks radiant.
“I see you are married too. Congratulations, Jasper.”
Sorrow overshadows my face. “Yes, I’m married.”
She casts me a curious glance. “What is it?”
“How were you able to move on with your life?” I ask. “How did you get over Harper’s death?”
She shakes her head. “I’m not over it.” She taps her fingers on her chin and tears gloss over her eyes. “I had to forgive myself for what I did. For abandoning her to get high.” She places her hands over mine, guilt hanging between us. “I had to learn how to forgive myself.” She sighs. “I learned that I deserve to be happy. It wasn’t your fault. Her death wasn’t our fault. She died because it was her time, and no matter how much we blame ourselves, it won’t bring her back. I have to accept her death.” She strokes my hand. “You have to accept her death, too, Jasper.”
I twirl my wedding ring around my finger. “My wife is pregnant, and I’m scared,” I finally admit. I never thought I would ever admit that to Gemma, never thought we would ever be having this conversation, but it makes sense to confide in her. It makes sense to tell her because no matter what we go through in life separately, we share the same pain of losing our child.
“What are you scared of, exactly?”
“Losing my child and failing my wife. I know now I didn’t fail Harper. But I hurt my wife. I accused her of trying to trap me with a baby, but the only reason I did it is because I’m so scared of fucking up her life as well.”
“Jasper, breathe. It’s going to be okay. Do you want your wife back?”
