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Slutty, promiscuous, overly confident.
I was none of the above.
For me, there were times when taking three shots was the only way I could get on stage at The Rush. I needed just enough alcohol to smother my inhibitions so I could dance without breaking an ankle in my heels, and the alcohol helped the crowd watching me become a blur.
Just a smear of unidentifiable faces.
I didn’t walk in there at nineteen years old with a swing in my step and an eagerness to flash my breasts at horny men for dollar bills.
I was scared.
Damn well petrified.
But I had a daughter to raise.
That was my responsibility, and I wasn’t going to let her down.
“Come on,” Calli said, her words cutting through my daydream. I blinked several times, meeting her knowing gaze across the kitchen. “Let’s get the barbecue started so everything’s ready when they finish at church.”
I gathered one of the large trays off the table and smiled. “Lead the way.”
***
“All right, I’m going to start the washing up,” Calli announced, stabbing at one final piece of cucumber and popping it into her mouth. She got to her feet and gathered the paper plates the boys had left around the table when they finished filling their stomachs and moved out to the front of the house. She stacked the plates on top of each other, and just when I was about to tell her I’d help, she took the pile to the trash can next to the door and dumped them all inside. “Done. Must be time for some special ice cream.”
“Special ice cream!”
Kadey wiggled frantically until I let her go, leaping down off my lap and running straight past Calli, almost collecting Hawk as he stepped out of the doorway and she stampeded through it.
“Woah, kid!” He held his drink up in the air so it wouldn’t be knocked out of his hand. “What the he—”
“Special ice cream!” Calli echoed, ducking past him and disappearing down the hall on Kadey’s heels.
“You have a pretty awesome kid there,” I praised, noting the way I finally caught a smile on Bishop’s face. “You did well.”
Hawk threw his leg over the bench seat I was sitting on, placing one leg on either side and his drink on the table before reaching for me. He grabbed my hips and slid me back toward him, so my back was pressed to his chest. I pulled my knees up and curled into his body. His arm settled across my shoulders as he pressed a light kiss to the top of my head.
“She’s a senior this year.” Bishop swiped his hand across his face before throwing back what was left of his beer. “I thought watching her graduate was going to be the scariest damn thing I’ve ever been through, but then the other day, she started talking about moving out when she goes to fucking college, and I just don’t know what to fucking do with that.”
“God, she’s going to love it,” I said wistfully, my fingers dancing over the worn denim of Hawk’s jeans. “I wish I’d gone back to graduate.”
Hawk leaned to the side so he could see my face, his eyebrow raised. “You didn’t graduate?”
I shook my head. “I found out I was pregnant during summer. Was two months into senior year when I told my parents.”
“And they kicked you out,” Hawk finished, already having heard that part of my story.
“I stayed with a friend from school for a few days,” I explained, crinkling my nose. “Then moved straight in with Jared. I wish I’d been able to have the baby and go back to school. Just so I could get my diploma. But Jared refused to work, so it was up to me to make sure we could survive. I still hadn’t decided if I wanted to go to college, but it would have been nice to know I could if I’d wanted to.”
Hawk’s arm tightened around me, and I lay my head on his chest, my breathing slowing to fall in time with his heartbeat as it pounded against my cheek.
That time in my life still never failed to feel like a punch in the gut.
When I would spend hours working only for Jared to spend our last few dollars on cigarettes for himself instead of formula. I would spend all night awake crying because I knew I only had enough for one more bottle and no idea how we would get more.
I tried not to think about those moments anymore.
I was stronger now, and if anything, it was a lesson I needed to learn.
