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“Are you seriously willing to consider some mediocre man from an app over this dream guy who runs a bar and literally comes to your rescue every time you look mildly constipated?” Selina asked.
“I don’t look constipated.”
“Oh honey, yes you do. That’s your frustrated face, and I physically went out and bought you laxative once because I thought you had an IBS problem before I realized that was just how you looked.”
“Thanks,” Ben said dryly. “Thank you so much. Now I’m going to be wondering if Nova’s concerned over my shitting habits every time he looks at me.”
“Well, take comfort in the fact that he’s still flirting his ass off with you. And what did you text me last night? He was holding your hand?”
“You’re getting meaner. Is that an Irish thing?” he demanded.
Selina laughed. “The Irish are awesome and have accepted me as one of their own. I’m never coming back.”
His heart hurt a little, but if she did move to escape, he wouldn’t have blamed her. “I just wish you were here to see him. You could tell me if it’s worth the risk.”
“I don’t need to see him for that.” Selina leaned closer to her laptop. “Go light the candles. I’ll stay on for the blessing so you don’t have to be alone tonight.”
Ben hadn’t realized that mattered to him until a warmth flooded through him, and he smiled at her. “Thanks.”
She smiled back, uncharacteristically sweet. “You’re welcome. I love you. Stop being sappy and go.”
Ben rose from his chair and carefully lit the candles on the chanukiah. The blessing came out a little slower this time, a better melody now that he wasn’t rushing through it because he was entirely by himself and feeling a sort of ache at how separate he’d been living for so many years.
Watching the dancing flames made him feel just a little closer to home, even if it wasn’t the flickering candles of his childhood. He turned back to Selina, who was looking a little more sleepy, and he dropped back into his chair.
“I’m not going to tell him how I feel,” he said.
She groaned. “Why?”
“Because he could turn me down. He wouldn’t laugh in my face, which almost feels worse. He’d try to be kind about it, and I’d want to fucking die. He’d want to stay friends, and it would be unbearable.”
“So you’re going to keep going on these crappy dates and what? Hope that he still wants you to come around so in ten years you might get your head out of your ass long enough to ask him out?”
“Pretty much,” he said. Her words hurt, but only because they were true. “Can you not judge me, please?”
“It’s your life, Benny. You can make bad decisions and complain to me when they feel like shit. That’s what I’m here for.”
“I appreciate you,” he told her.
“Oh, I know you do. And I miss your dumb face. If you and Nova actually figure your shit out, take me to meet him, okay?”
“If that miracle of the season happens, I’ll buy dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town.”
Selina grinned. “That sounds like a challenge to the universe. Have fun, babes.”
Then she was gone, and Ben suddenly wondered if he’d just shot himself in the cosmic foot.
* * *
Ben found himself pacing beside his car in the bar parking lot. There was a group of people standing a few feet away from the bar smoking, and he knew he had an audience, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to go in.
He was standing there with his heart in his throat, unable to escape the truth: he liked Nova. He liked a man who had shown some interest in him with some mild flirting and hand-holding. But Ben was afraid the hand-holding was out of sheer pity at how pathetic Ben’s life had been over the last five days.
But he stood by what he’d told Selina. He wasn’t going to take the risk with Nova. He knew if he leapt and Nova didn’t catch him, their friendship would die, and he wanted to keep Nova in his life any way he was allowed to have him. If it meant tucking his feelings away and accepting a sweet, platonic friendship, he could do that. If it meant eventually watching someone appreciate Nova for the amazing person he was, sweeping him off his feet, and leaving Ben behind, he could do that too.
What he wanted more than anything was for Nova to be happy. He would allow himself to be an afterthought. Especially considering his own track record. It wasn’t like he was good at being in love.
Tugging on the bottom of his coat, he squared his shoulders, then palmed his keys and walked in. He didn’t bother with the hostess, who just gave him a look, and he made his way to his usual table where Charlie was sitting.
