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He hadn’t been able to get all the glitter off when he was scraping that year, but he vowed never again. He dragged his thumbnail along the paint, which came off with a few bits of old wax. It felt like peeling away a layer of his past, and he thought about Aaron and the honest, visceral worry his brother had because Ben wasn’t like everyone else.
Except, maybe he was. A little. He hadn’t been lying when he told Aaron he could easily be content without a partner. He could envision a happy life being by himself. He’d never felt a pressing need to be with someone. He knew the difference between what was necessary and what was desire.
But Nova had started to make him question all of that because being with him felt as important as drawing air into his lungs.
“Nova?”
“I’m still here,” he answered.
Ben chuckled. “I know. I just…I wish you were here with me tonight. I’m really not a big holiday guy, you know? I never have been.” He bit his lip and thought about his brother again. “Next year, I’m going to be an uncle.”
Nova was silent a beat. “Your brother called?”
Ben let out a small, tense laugh. “Yeah. That conversation was an adventure. But he told me my sister-in-law is pregnant.” Ben decided to leave off the way Aaron had been afraid for him because none of Aaron’s fears about him were true, and he didn’t want to dump all that on Nova. “I think I’m excited to be an uncle.”
“You should be. You’re going to be amazing,” Nova said softly.
Ben nodded in spite of the fact that Nova couldn’t see him. “Next year is going to look so different, and I…” He hesitated for a beat. “I want you to be there with me.”
Nova made a very soft, very raw noise. “Yeah? I mean…is it okay since I’m not Jewish.”
Ben rested his bent arm over the back of the sofa cushion and buried his face in the crook of his elbow, hiding his smile from the universe. “Yeah, baby. It’s okay. My parents are going to absolutely love you.”
He could hear Nova swallow thickly. “I don’t know if I’m very good at, you know, having parents.”
“Just because your mom couldn’t see what an amazing kid you are doesn’t mean mine won’t,” Ben told him, and he fully believed that. There was no way his parents would spend more than ten minutes in his presence without coming to the realization that Nova was everything a son should be. “And in all honesty, the only thing that matters is that we’re together.”
“That sounds nice. That…” Nova trailed off, then swore under his breath. “Shit, I have to go. My sister’s calling.”
“Okay. Talk to you soon.”
“Count on it,” Nova said.
The call ended, and Ben finally peeled himself away from the sofa to fetch the candles from his cupboard. He set them all out, staring at the empty prong on the far left. Tonight was the second to last for the year, and maybe the second to last he’d ever have to do by himself.
A small part of him hated that it mattered now, but the bigger part of him accepted that it only mattered because something was different about Nova. Ben was no longer afraid that being vulnerable enough to love would only end in pain.
His gaze fixed across the horizon. It was too cloudy to watch whether or not the sun was setting, but after a few moments, the little alarm app on his phone began to chime. He struck the match, the chemical sulfur scent bringing him far back to his childhood for the single beat of a heart.
Then he touched the flame to the wick and felt a burning sense of not just hope, but anticipation in the best way, settle in the center of his chest.
The second to last night before he was able to be with a man he was starting to believe was the love of his life.
And he smiled.
* * *
Ben recognized Levi immediately. He was tall and thin, with dark hair and a sharp jawline. He was playing with the edge of his menu nervously with one hand, spinning his drink with the other, and Ben felt a small surge of guilt. Nothing was going to change his mind about wanting Nova, but he was starting to feel a sort of preemptive guilt for wasting this man’s time.
Especially if he really was the only decent guy in the lot.
He debated about just texting him and telling him that he couldn’t make it, but it was in that moment Levi’s gaze turned toward the front of the bar, and he spotted Ben. There was a flare of recognition in his gaze, and Ben realized he was stuck. Offering a smile, he nodded to the hostess, who just rolled her eyes and didn’t even bother with a greeting as he breezed past her and reached for the back of the empty chair.
He didn’t look over at the bar either. He could sense Nova there, and he wasn’t sure he had enough self-control to do nothing if they locked eyes. At the very least, he’d be transported to the night before, to their moment on the phone together, and he couldn’t touch those memories without going at least half-hard.
He didn’t want to be the monster in this situation. Levi didn’t deserve that. Probably.
“Hey,” Levi finally said, breaking the ice.
