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Nova walked him to his car and then cradled his face, looking at Ben like he was a gift, which was something Ben didn’t quite know how to process. He’d read about love like that in books and watched them in Christmas movies on TV every winter, but that sort of thing never felt real.
It was for show—for play—for pretend.
A way of emotionally manipulating him into giving someone what they wanted. Taylor had only ever been kind when he wanted something out of Ben, after all, and Ben knew damn well Taylor wasn’t the exception to the rule. He was the very definition of it.
“Tomorrow” was all Nova whispered before he stole a last kiss, then reached behind Ben to open up his car door for him. Ben could see his figure standing in the parking lot as he drove off, and it didn’t disappear until Ben turned a corner and lost sight of the bar.
Ben didn’t think he was going to be able to sleep, but he dropped off with his phone in his hand and a final good-night text from Nova full of promise that tomorrow—after Ben took care of the last date—would be the start of something new.
sixteen
“So.Were you going to tell me you were back on the market?”
Ben did his best to hide his groan as he turned from side to side in front of his mirror. He’d cared a little about how he looked on the other dates, and he knew it was ridiculous to overthink what he looked like tonight, considering Nova had seen him at his worst.
But he couldn’t help it.
He was shit-scared of Nova realizing that he’d made a mistake. And maybe after all the fun and games of the bad dates were over, Nova was going to get bored. Maybe all of this was a cosmic joke that…
“Ben?”
He blinked, almost forgetting he was on the phone with his nosy mother, who was most definitely not going to let any of this go. “I wasn’t going to tell anyone I was back on the market because I’m not,” Ben finally told her. He put his phone on speaker so he could put a little bit of product in his hands to tame his hair. It was perpetually straight but always sat a little funny in the back during winter. “Your precious eldestsondecided that I needed to find a husband or whatever, so he got involved.” He swiped his hands on his jeans, then picked his phone back up. “It didn’t work out.”
His mom sighed quietly. “Darling—”
“Can we not do this tonight?” Ben asked. He didn’t need the pressure of his mom’s biological grandmother clock ticking in his ear. And considering it wasn’t his place to tell her about Aaron’s news, he’d have to take the brunt of it until Aaron and Naomi came clean.
She made a fussy noise at him, but after a beat, he heard her relent. “Fine. You know that we all just want to see you happy, right? And after that little weasel and what he did—”
“Trust me, I learned my lesson,” Ben told her, and for the first time in a long time, those words didn’t sting as much as they used to. “And I won’t be making that mistake again.”
His mom was quiet for a long time. Too long. “We just want to make sure you’re not cutting yourself off from happiness, Ben-Ben.”
He winced at his old childhood nickname. “Mom—”
“And we had a long talk with Aaron. He brought up some good points about you.”
Ben pinched the bridge of his nose. “I appreciate his concern. And yours,” he added through clenched teeth. “I understand that there are people who might not be able to cope well with what I went through. But Taylor was a lesson. He doesn’t define my past or my future. And, as I told Aaron, I actually am capable of happiness without being in a relationship. I could easily get a cat and a few more potted plants and live perfectly content.”
He could almost hear the sound of his mother’s need to get her kids married and fill their homes with babies starting to strain, on the verge of cracking. “My darling,” she started.
“Seriously, Mom,” Ben interrupted before she could really get going. “This is my life, and I’m going to live it the way I see fit, okay? It makes me uncomfortable when you project on me.”
“That is not what I’m doing,” she quickly defended.
Ben walked into his kitchen to make sure he had his keys and phone, then looked at the window where his chanukiah was burning. “You do. This isn’t really a conversation I want to have right now,” he added when he realized he could hear faint voices in the background. His parents always had a few friends and whatever family was in the area over for the last night of the holiday. “You had a full-blown intervention when I told you I was an atheist.”
“I—”
“You set me up on three blind dates with women without even telling me they were dates when I came out as gay,” he added.
She was quiet for a moment. “I didn’t know what to think. It wasn’t how you were raised, Ben.”
He licked his lips and fought the urge to drag down the big bottle of rum he had in the cupboard above his fridge, but getting wasted because of his mom’s stubborn attitude wasn’t going to solve any of his problems.
“The world is complicated, Mom. Life is complicated. And I did the only thing I could do the moment I left home. I made sense of things in my own way. I figured out what makes me happy—and the life I have right now makes me happy. I might find someone,” he said and tried to hide his smile because he knew that somehow, she’d be able to hear it. “And he probably won’t be Jewish.”
“Oh, that doesn’t matter to us anymore. You know that, right?” she pressed. He knew she’d cling on to that one thing, but it didn’t bother him as much as it used to.
