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Ben shrugged. “This is just…I mean.” He licked his lips, searching for the right words. “It kind of feels like the cherry on the sundae, you know?”
Nova laughed a little, but he didn’t sound amused. When Ben looked up at him again, he saw Nova’s face was full of tension. “This is my fault.”
Ben choked on spit and cleared his throat. “Uh, how is this your fault, exactly?”
“I made you do this,” Nova said. He eased away from Ben just a little, and even that fraction of distance hurt. “You wanted to quit days ago, and I got all caught up in my bullshit and insecurity. I was so bad I made you think that I had some kind of fetish for this.” Nova covered his face and tensed when Ben tried to touch him, so Ben pulled back and put more distance between their bodies.
“If you were anyone else, I wouldn’t have bothered. Anyone else wouldn’t have been worth the effort,” Ben said, and he meant that with his whole heart. “And I’m not clairvoyant. I can’t see into the future, and it’s not even like I’m some expert in romance, considering my history.”
Nova laughed softly as he dropped his hands to his lap, still looking torn. He took a breath, and Ben could see it on his face that he was about to say something important, so he gave Nova his full attention. “My mom’s a narcissist. And I’m not saying that like how it’s all trendy on the internet. I mean she was actually diagnosed when I was about five—before my dad died. She had a bunch of other diagnoses before that too, but this one actually made sense.”
Ben reached for him again, and this time, Nova let him tangle their fingers together. “When I was really little, she was super charming. When I talked about stuff that went on at home, I got labeled a pathological liar. My mom tormented my dad. Abused him. He drank himself to death,” Nova added in a very soft voice. “He wasn’t very kind either, but I like to think he might have been under different circumstances.” He blew out a puff of air and shrugged. “For an embarrassingly long time, I thought that’s how relationships were supposed to be.”
“Oh, Nova,” Ben whispered.
Nova shook his head. “Trust me, I’ve had a lot of therapy. The second relationship I ever had…she convinced me to go see someone. I thought it was going to be like all the times my mom went and lost her mind about it. I thought they were going to tell me I was all wrong. Like her.”
“I’m sorry you were afraid,” Ben told him, wishing he could reach into his past and protect him from it all.
Nova shrugged. “It was what it was. I realized I had been seeking out people like her. My first boyfriend was the same kind of narcissist. I think I dated him because it was familiar, and we were only together a couple of weeks. Then I kind of kept projecting shit onto my ex-girlfriend, expecting her to be like that, and she realized I needed help. She also didn’t want to date a project, so our whole thing ended in two months.”
“That’s,” Ben started, but he didn’t really know what to say.
“I don’t blame her. She gave me more than anyone ever had. But when I started working through all this shit, I started to doubt if I was ever going to be able to trust myself when it came to a partner.”
Ben stared at him a moment. “So what changed? Why me?”
“I don’t know,” Nova answered him honestly. He cocked his head to the side. “What made you want to take a risk with me after everything you’ve been through?”
Nova had him there. Ben couldn’t say because he didn’t know. It was just a feeling, sitting beside his heart like a second beat to the pattern of Nova’s name. It was just…right. It was real. And for the first time ever, he wasn’t afraid.
“Yeah. That,” Nova whispered, dragging a touch down Ben’s cheek. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but the look on your face is the one I get every time I think of you. And I feel like a complete asshole for making you go through all this because I knew. My fear and insecurity are powerful, but the truth is, nothing could have made me doubt you, and I wish I could turn back the clock because I don’t know how you’re going to forgive me.”
“I’m not going to forgive you,” Ben said, and before Nova’s expression could crack, he went on. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You asked me to do something, and I did it. You were honest when you said you were afraid you’d always have doubts, but you never once said you’d withhold anything from me if I chose to just stop and be with you.”
“I…” Nova trailed off, and a look of realization stole over his face. “That’s true, isn’t it?”
Ben laughed, then closed the distance between them again. “It is. We’re both adults with trauma and fears, and sometimes those things won’t be easy. But maybe they’ll be easier now that we’re here. Together.”
Nova cupped Ben’s chin and leaned in, their lips brushing together as he spoke. “I have so many promises to make you.”
Ben closed his eyes for the kiss, but it had only just gotten started when a flash of headlights hit him, and he realized the cop had shown up. His heartbeat ticked up a notch, and he squared his shoulders before reaching for the door handle. “Stay with me?”
Nova squeezed his wrist and smiled just for him. “Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.”
eighteen
In the end,it was quick and dirty—so to speak. The cop took down Ben’s information and his statement. He wouldn’t give Ben any details, but he said he’d run Daniel’s name and that whatever turned up made them want to take the whole thing seriously.
Luckily for Ben—and unluckily for Daniel—the guy had gone on an uninhibited rant in the texts, trying to justify what he’d done, giving details that made the cop’s eyes light up. Ben agreed to meet a detective so he could turn over the text transcripts, and then the cop promised the woman and her boyfriend would be informed so they could find somewhere else to stay that night.
All in all, Ben felt like he could breathe again, and he was no longer terrified the drama of it all was going to send Nova screaming into the night.
“So,” Nova said once the cop had pulled out of the parking lot and they were back in the car in front of the warm heater. “I had this whole romantic thing planned at the bar, but it’s a little late.”
Ben glanced at the clock on his dash and groaned. It was fifteen minutes to midnight, and as much as he still wanted to cling to the idea of a first romantic date with Ben that night, he was both physically and emotionally exhausted. “It is.”
Nova bowed his head, staring down at his lap. “I fucking hate that bastard for ruining this. The last night of Chanukah was supposed to be mine.”
