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And nothing. He's frozen me and everyone else out, and God knows there’s nothing I hate more than being cold.
Two days ago, he announced he was going back to New York. Said he’d continue to help us destroy Patriots Now and fuck up their plans for a revolution from afar, but that some computer guy named Brady would be taking his place in Adeline for our feet-on-the-ground tech support. Today is supposed to be the last time we partner up.
To hell with that plan. This Brady guy can fuck off. I’ve gotten used to Eli as my partner, and until I’m ready to find the next big heist and leave this group of thieving do-gooders behind, Eli isn’t going anywhere.
And thanks to Patriots Now, I see the opportunity to make that happen.
As the commotion swirls around us, Eli takes a quick, deep breath and follows my lead. He moves so our backs are against each other, pulls out his prop gun, and aims it straight at the fake manager behind the teller’s counter. “Take out your cell phones and drop them on the floor,” he orders.
My heart gives a proud little kick at how badass he sounds. No one here would know he’s spent most of his life behind a computer screen.
While we wait for everyone to comply, I feel the heat of his back on mine. I lean into the warmth. “If we somehow manage to survive this,” he hisses. “I’m gonna hack into the FBI and put you on its Most Wanted List.”
That’s more like the hacker I know.“Already on it,” I reply, reluctantly pulling away from him and moving toward the safe where I need everybody’s gaze to be focused.
I’m about to put on a little show. Patriots Now is obviously planning on robbing their own credit union. I might as well do it first and blame them for the crime.
“We’re here to fund a revolution,” I scream, doing my best impression of Cash’s asshole father when he’d give one of his ignorant hate speeches—except with my own little twist. “We, as patriots, need to fight to return America to its roots. When men were respected, and woman had to listen to them no matter how stupid they were.”
I look around the credit union. Every eye in the room is on me and some of these ass hats are nodding along at the fuckery I’m spinning. “Where we kept minorities where they belonged—underpaid and unrepresented. When if a man wanted to kiss another man, he ignored it and stayed miserable. Those are the values we need to get back to.”
Eli rolls his eyes.
I give him a slight shrug.It’shard to come up with shitthisstupid.
But somehow, I do it. I keep on bullshitting for a good ten minutes until the front door opens up, and six men in masks come in waving automatic weapons and then stagger to a halt when they see Eli and me holding everyone at gunpoint.
It's a face-off. It reminds me of those old seventies movies I used to watch with Cora. I almost expect the moment to have an echoing soundtrack with a snake-rattle drum beat.
It’s an unfair fight. Sure, these guys have their small dick, big gun weaponry, but I have something they don’t—brains, a V-40 smoke bomb, andcojonesthe size of Texas.
I pull the key out of the smoke bomb and throw it into the open safe, where it explodes. Smoke bombs generally won’t start fires, but I’m not gonna tell these yeehaws that. The lobby starts filling with a thick smoke.
“The money.” The blond man playing the teller orders the gunmen. “Save the goddamn money.”
The men run toward the safe, and I grab Eli by the neck and push him out the back exit. I put my gun away and motion for Eli to do the same. Then I hurry down the busy downtown street until I reach the side street where one of the police cruisers is parked.
I wrap on the window. “Help!” I pant out like I’m in a panic. “There’s a robbery at the credit union on 11thStreet. The thieves just detonated a bomb,” I shriek, wide-eyed and frantic.
The officer immediately radios his partners inside the credit union and then to the other two cops in the parked police cars, but thanks to Eli using his tech magic to jam the radio signal, the cop doesn’t get a response. I can almost hear the guy’s thoughts.I was just supposed to be the driver.
It’s always the getaway driver who’s the weakest link in a crew, and considering the crew inside weren’t a bunch of smooth criminals, the next part of my con is child’s play.
“The FBI should be here any minute to help you.” At my words, the cop looks like he’s about to choke on his tongue. “I called 911, and they said since bank robbing is a federal offense, they’d be sending them to the scene.”
The cop gets out of the police cruiser and runs to the credit union to warn his crew the FBI is on their way. I smile vicariously at Eli, who I can tell is going to act exactly like the smoke bomb I threw into the credit union’s safe—he’s gonna explode.
“Later,” I tell him, happy to have all that built-up tension of his pointed at me. It sure as hell beats the last few weeks when I couldn’t get so much as a grimace from him. “It’s going to take the crew inside about two minutes before they realize we’ve fucked them over, and then they’re gonna come after us full force.”
I open the cruiser door, ready to hot-wire it, when I seeBarney Fifeleft the police fob in the car. I laugh.This day couldn’t get any better.Popping the cruiser’s trunk open, I look to see if my hunch played out and I truly did beat Patriots Now at the shell game they were running.
Sure enough, there’s a small pallet of money inside. “Yes!” I hold my hand up to Eli in a high-five gesture and wait for him to comply. He just looks at me like he’s contemplating murder.
I lower my hand, only a tiny bit disappointed, and take a closer look at the money.
“Holy. Fucking. Shit.”
“Are those all hundreds?” Eli asks, squinting, because he’s not wearing the glasses that make him look so cute and nerdy.
