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“I have to go. Wade’s been arrested.”
“Again?” She rolls her eyes while turning the faucet off and grabs the fluffy white towel to dry her wet hands. “That boy needs therapy. And a good mother.”
She turns around, placing the towel on the edge of the basin, and leans against it. “So, you’re leaving?”
“I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
Folding her arms in front of her, she looks down. “I’ll come. I don’t want to stay here without you. I spend most nights by myself, waiting around for you. I don’t want to do that again tonight.”
Lifting my hand that’s tattooed with a giant lily, one of many I have branded into my skin to signify each year we’ve been married, I place my knuckle under her chin and lift it up so I can stare into her beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry.” How many times will she accept my apology? It can’t be many more.
“I miss you.” Her eyes turn glassy. “I miss us.”
She said the same thing last night on the phone.
I pull her into my arms, wrapping her in a giant big bear hug she loves so much. “Hey, no crying, baby. I miss us too.” I kiss the top of her head, enjoying her closeness and the smell of her perfume she’s worn since the day we met. It’s comforting; she’s always felt like home.
She snuggles into my shoulder, then unravels her crossed arms and wraps them around my waist. I hug her tighter, enjoying this precious time we haven’t had much of lately.
“Do you still find me attractive?”
“What?” I exclaim and pull back to look at her. “Are you being serious?”
She looks at me, then looks away sheepishly. “It’s just. It’s…” She appears to struggle to find the right words. “We haven’t had sex for a while.” Her voice is quiet, barely a whisper.
“Is that honestly what you think? Jesus Christ, Lily.” I pull her back into my arms. “I love you. With every beat of my heart, every breath I take, every minute of every day, I think about you.”
“Love and sexual attraction are not the same thing.” She sniffs and I pull out of our hug and cradle her face to discover tears running freely down her cheeks. She looks away. “I’m not as slim as I used to be. I’m no longer perky or young like those puck bunnies that follow you around, and—”
“Lily, look at me,” I demand, angry at her for thinking these stupid thoughts, but even madder at myself for not showing her how much I love her and how sexy I think she is. She’s the only woman I have ever felt a deep, undeniable, unique attraction to. “What did I tell you on the phone last night?” I ask her when she finally makes eye contact with me.
“I don’t remember.”
“You look fucking beautiful. You looked so sexy last night in that photo. If I could have jumped through the phone, I would have. You made me hard just looking at you in that sexy lingerie. And what else did I tell you?”
She shakes her head, and I hate seeing her upset.
“That you still look the same as the day we met.”
She scoffs, as if not believing me.
“You do. I would never lie to you. I find you sexier now than the day we met. My attraction to you only grows, never lessens. When I’m not with you, all I do is wish I was. I hate traveling to away games, knowing I won’t see you for days. I hate it when you travel for work and all I do is wish I could go with you. I love everything about you. That’s never ever changed. Your smile, your laugh, your silly dancing you do around the house, although I would much prefer it if you did that naked more often,” I try reassuring her. “I love coming home to you. Love your organizing and labeling of our pantry. I love the way you alphabetize your vinyl records and, most of all, I like spending days off together doing nothing.”
“We haven’t had many of them lately.” Her hope filled eyes stare deep into my guilty conscience. “When did we start scheduling each other in? We’ll be penciling in sex soon.”
I drop my forehead to hers. “That might actually mean we’re guaranteed to do it then.” I try making a joke of it, but it doesn’t sit well.
“I’m thinking of selling the business,” she announces unexpectedly, and for a moment I can’t think of what to say. My hands drop to my sides in shock.
“What? Why?” are the only two words I can form.
Her shoulders sag with relief as if she’s glad to get it off her chest. “If I wasn’t working, at least I could come with you to the home, as well as the away games again. There would be no destinations weddings or evening events to attend that get in the way of me seeing you. My business is taking over my life. I spend boring lunch breaks at my desk working alone. I go home when you’re not here and I work at night. When I’m not in the office, all I seem to do is organize events or answer yet another bridezilla’s demands. I arrive at the office before everyone else, because most of them have kids and I’m always the last one to leave because I never have anyone to come home to. Candy and Bree both have children who seem to attend every peewee sports club and dance class known to mankind and I can’t exactly tag along now, can I? That’s just sad. And while they might not mind Brayden and Troy being away because they still have their children to keep them company…” Her words pick up speed, her chest moving in and out quickly. “I hate you being away all the time. I hate when I have to go away with work, and leave you behind.” Swiping away her tears, she flicks them off her cheek. “I hate that we never have sex anymore. I hate doubting if you still find me attractive. And I hate that we never ever talk about having a family anymore.”
She drops the bombshell we both know we’ve been avoiding.
After trying for years, with no success, we went through three rounds of IVF. It broke my heart watching hers break at the end of every cycle that didn’t end with a pregnancy. The tears we shed together, the bruising she endured from the injections, nausea from the fertility drugs, and the toll it took on her mental health watching her friends fall pregnant when she didn’t. It was too much for both of us.
The last failed cycle changed something within my happy Lily. Throwing herself into work, she said she didn’t want to speak about it again.
