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I nod. That’s exactly it.
“When Creed told me about you, I’ll admit I was skeptical. I figured when you found out that we were a package deal, you’d run. But you surprised me, and after the first date, I was as invested as he was,” I tell her, needing her to know.
“I knew the only way Creed could stay in the country was for him to get married. And I supported my friend. I didn’t want him to be deported when he was one of the few people I trusted with my life. And I cared for you. A lot. And as the years rolled by, the guilt grew because all I could think about was how we tricked you.
“That day you heard me tell Creed that I loved you, I wanted it to be true. You meant something to me, but it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be. Love to me was this ugly, toxic thing that turned my father into my monster and my mother into a ghost. To me love was a ridiculous notion anyway. And then you were gone. And I realized too late that there were other kinds of love than the type that consumed my parents. I realized that what I felt for you went beyond just caring about someone. You broke my heart, Avery, before I even really figured out how to use it, but if you hadn’t, I might never have figured out I loved you all along.”
“Why didn’t you come looking for me? I think that’s what hurt more than anything—that neither of you fought for me.”
“I think we both knew we didn’t deserve you.”
“Shouldn’t I get to decide what I deserve?”
I look at her and bring her hand to my lips, kissing the back of it softly. “If you hadn’t left, I’d still have my head up my ass. I had the emotional capacity of an orange. When you were gone, I couldn’t shut out what I was feeling. And what I was feeling was out of control. You got through to me in a way that nobody else could, but it left me feeling raw and exposed and, I’ll admit, a little bitter. How dare you make me fall in love with you just to rip it all away?”
She huffs, making me grin.
“I didn’t say it was logical.”
“Thank you for being honest with me, but I’m not sure where we go from here. Having all the answers doesn’t wipe away the pain I felt. It brings clarity, but not forgiveness. Trust me, I don’t want to be mad at you forever. But I still grieved you, grieved us, and all we lost. I moved on from denial and anger to bargaining before depression hit me pretty hard. The day in the diner, I was playing with my wedding rings, feeling sorry for myself, before everything turned to crap. All that was left was acceptance, and then maybe I could move on. And then you spoke to me, and I was right back at the beginning.”
“I’m so sorry for the things I said to you at the hospital. You didn’t deserve that. I wanted you to feel a fraction of the pain I was feeling.”
“I think the bullet guaranteed that.” She rolls her eyes, making me chuckle.
“Smart ass.”
We sit quietly for a while, her hand still in mine. I look at her once more. “So, what happens next?”
“I don’t know, Hawk. I really don’t.”
“What’s going on with you and Ev?” The question sips out before I can stop it.
She tenses and tries to pull her hand free, but I hold on tighter. “That is none of your business.”
“As long as we’re still married, it is.”
“Then maybe it’s time we got a divorce.” She could have shot me point-blank and it would have hurt less.
“Is that what you want?” Jesus, is that my voice? I sound as if I’ve been gargling with glass.
She looks at me, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. “I want arms to hold me when I sleep, hands to help me up when I fall, fingers that stroke through my future daughter’s hair. I want a house with a yard and dog and—”
I cover her mouth with mine, sipping gently at her lips. I wait for her to give in before pulling away, not wanting to push my luck.
“I want those things too. I want all those things, but only with you.”
A tear falls, followed by another and another. I brush them away with my thumb and swallow around the lump in my throat.
“But it’s not me you see in that future, is it?” I shift to stand up, but she holds my hand tighter.
“It’s not just you I see, Hawk. That’s the problem.”
“Why? If you can forgive me, you can forgive Creed, right?”
She frowns before pulling her hand free and crossing her arms. “I never said I forgave you. Not yet, anyway. And I wasn’t talking about Creed. Me and him are a whole separate thing. He has his own apologies to make.”
It takes me a second to realize who she’s talking about. “Evander. You love him?”
