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“Whispers tell of darkness.” Footsteps neared as Vera looked over her shoulder. It was Adrian, the swish of his perfectly hemmed robes giving him away before he came into view.
The bundle of thick white hair atop his head never failed to remind her of a pile of snakes. Writhing, all-seeing, twisted and contained. It fit him along with his pale, deep-set eyes and sharp nose. Everything about their leader was exacting.
“What kind of darkness, Father?” She asked, lowering her eyes to his feet as she was trained to do. Stopping beside her at the porch railing, he released a heavy sigh. It sounded burdened, immediately catching her attention. She was eager for a break, a vital piece of evidence, or a way further into their circle. Four months passed and still, she was kept at arm’s length.
“When you came to us I saw a shadowed lamb. A lost child in desperate need of guidance.” He lifted her chin. He never allowed her to look upon him so closely. Her heartbeat thudded against her ribs in anticipation.
“I was lost, Father. Now I am found in our family as I was always meant to be.” Her answer seemed to ignite something in his eyes. A question answered, a concern caught, she couldn’t tell. He cupped her cheek as she forced down a shiver. He felt wrong. His texture, his temperature. Everything about Adrian was wrong.
“Mother says you remain in darkness. That you lurk within it, that it is where you reside with a kind of wicked joy. Is that true, Ava?” She frowned. “Do the shadows in your eyes attempt to conceal your truest desires?” He stepped closer, his breath dancing across her face. “You know I will pull it out of you.”
“Vera, let me in.” The voice made her jump, yanking her out of the memory.
Turning on the water, she tried to wash away the feel of his skin on hers. She couldn’t let Teddi in, couldn’t tell her what she was, what she could feel herself becoming. There was a fault line running down the foundation of her life and she was too tired to spackle it with sufficient lies.
Trust, hard work, and dedication to do the right thing; they were concepts she built her life upon and they’d been uprooted with a viciousness she didn’t know existed until recently. It was one thing to see the darkest of humanity in criminals, in others. It was entirely different to watch it plant its seed inside herself. But something had taken root. She could see it lurking in the edges of her eyes. She could feel it in her skin, once warm and soft, now wintry and brittle. Something wretched had dug its talons in and wasn’t letting go.
Repeating a movement she’d done thousands of times, she reached for the leather wallet that held the FBI credentials.
There was nothing there. Her identity was gone.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she pushed down the ocean of tears trying to escape. She hadn’t cried in years and she wouldn’t do it in a shitty motel, in a shitty town, with her cousin lying dead a mile away. A few more splashes of water on her neck and face and she was together once more. Opening the door, she didn’t expect to find Teddi sitting on the rusted luggage rack facing her. Her hair looked like she ran her hands through it repeatedly.
“Hey,” she said softly, taking in Vera’s appearance.
“Hey.” Vera standing over her. They waited as if there was something to be done about the way the air between them pulled like the unchallengeable space between magnets.
“Want to talk about it?”
"No." Vera turned to her bed. The creak of the old springs was a dull sound in the stilted space.
Whatever was still lingering between her and Teddi was a bad idea on a high-speed train. Fucking her ex wasn’t going to do anything but cause more problems for herself down the line. She was a wreck and Teddi wasn’t an easy lay, she wouldn't be able to get out of it without stripping herself naked in every sense of the word.
Unable to conjure the energy to undress, she fell back, dirty boots hanging off the edge. Teddi took a seat on the other bed, facing Vera but saying nothing. She did this many times when they dated. Waited, silently and without any pressure to confide in her, she just made herself available for Vera when she was ready. But there was a mountain of secrets and the idea of shifting the precarious balancing act to share them seemed a daunting task. The minutes ticked by.
“I think I’m getting bored of my life.” Teddi’s uttered words had Vera turning to look at her.
“Why?”
She shrugged, staring at some speck on the nauseating carpet pattern. “I keep tearing my house apart.”
“Ok.” Vera drew out the word, confused.
“I’m trying to find something to do with myself. Before this case, it was the same thing week after week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my team and Mackey is a dream boss even if she is kind of…”
“Intense.”
Teddi smiled. “Yeah, something like that. But I just have this itch. Like when you drink too much caffeine and you get jittery. Can’t sit still, can’t run, can’t destroy or make or watch something that satisfies it enough.” A wry smile revealed itself and Vera felt herself warm. “I might have to take up breaking and entering again for fun.”
Vera chuckled. “Maybe you just need a change of scenery.”
“Nah, Fort Collins is home. I want to be there but it’s just grown repetitive. I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
Vera rested her head in her hand as she lay on her side. “Don’t discount your intuition. If you feel something is missing or you need something more, then you do. You have the best internal compass of anyone I’ve met.”
