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“I didn’t mean to! I was coming in to say hello.” He landed on the vanity counter near me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“I know,” I said. “But I’m skittish right now. Please, announce yourself before scaring the shit out of me.” I stretched, yawning. Right now, I didn’t feel like going out with Faron. Right now, the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and rest.
“I’ll let you finish showering,” Fancypants said. He flew up and out of the bathroom.
“Thank you.” I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but right now wasn’t a good time to startle me. I stepped back into the shower and turned the water on again, rinsing my hair and washing the soap off my skin.
As I dried my hair and put a fresh face of makeup on, I decided on my outfit. I’d wear a short black tank dress over a pair of green and white striped leggings. I chose a thin gold belt—I couldn’t remember if shifters liked silver or hated it—and paired the outfit with a leaf-green cardigan that matched the leggings. I exchanged my platform boots for a pair of ballerina flats and then transferred my wallet, keys, and phone into a clutch. I dried my hair and brushed it out so that it flowed down my shoulders. As a final touch, I added the smoky quartz pendant and gold hoop earrings. Then, standing back, I stared at myself in the mirror.
It had been so long since I looked at myself in this way—as a woman, rather than just as a reflection of someone I used to be. My tattoos, full sleeves from just above the elbow down to my wrists, were vibrant and bright.
I met my eyes in the mirror.
“You can do this,” I said to myself. “You can manage one date. You’re not betraying Rian’s memory. He’d want you to be happy.”
As I mouthed the words so many people had said to me over the past year, I couldalmostbelieve them. Rian was the most caring, generous man I’d ever met. He never had a bad word for anybody unless they came for me. He treated me like a queen. Andhewould want me to be happy—he never begrudged joy.
“I miss you,” I said, whispering to the image in my mind. “I miss your touch. I miss your smile. I miss the future we planned. I miss…my life—and your life.”
And then, something happened that had never happened before. Rian walked out of the shadows of my thoughts, into the light to stand in front of me. I reached out, and to my surprise, I felt his energy. This was no hallucination.
“Rian?” I asked, breathless. “Is that really you?”
Out of all the ghosts and spirits I’d seen since I lost him, Rian had never once been among them. Whether it was my keen sense of loss or the pain of remembering how he died that prevented him from visiting, I didn’t know. But he’d never before come to me except in painful dreams where he was still alive and we were still happy together.
It’s me, my love. Oh, Elphyra, I’m so sorry I had to leave you along the way.His voice was exactly as I remembered it, and it hit me in the gut.
“Imissyou,” I said, sinking to my knees in front of him. “I miss everything about our life together.” I wanted to bury my head in my hands and weep, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from him, not now that he was here in front of me again. I knew he was only here in spirit, but to have him near meant everything in the world.
I miss you too. But you have to let me go, Elf. You have to let me move on. I can’t leave because you’re holding me so tight. I don’twantto leave you, but I can’t linger, either. It’s not healthy. You have to let go of the guilt. It wasn’t your fault. Youweren’tthe reason I died.He knelt beside me, his arm out as though he was about to take my hand. I wanted to reach for it but knew that my hand would go right through his.
“How can I let go? You’re all I have—”
No, I’m not. You have so much in your life, and so many things to do. You stepped off of the web and into the shadows when I died. You’ve been living a half-life. You have a world left to explore, a life to live. I had to leave earlier than we planned, but I don’t want you to stop living for me. What kind of person would I be if I wanted you to exist in sorrow?He reached out to stroke my hair and I could almost feel his hand on my face.
“How do Idothat? How do I let you go? I’ll have to face the world alone again.” I did reach for him at that point, but as I had feared, my hand went through his and it hit me—he was getting ready to leave me for good. I was going to be all alone.
Youaren’talone, love. You have friends. Fancypants will be there for you when all else is dark and empty. And May, she’s the grandmother you always wanted. And Bree—she has your back. You still have your family. I’ve been watching out for you and I’ve wanted to talk to you so many times, but there was no way through the bubble of pain you erected around yourself.
“Will we ever meet again?” I asked, tears tracing their way down my cheeks. “I can’t imagine never seeing you again.”
I’ll check in on you now and then. And yes, someday in the future, when it’s time, I’ll be waiting for you and we can decide what to do from there. We’re not done. We have a bond between us that isn’t ready to break. But you have to let me move on until then. And you have to grow and live and learn what you need to learn.
His voice was beginning to fade.
I dashed my tears away, trying to be strong for him. “I won’t ever love anybody else—”
You will. And you’ll take joy in it. And I’ll be happy for you. What you create with someone else doesn’t eliminate the love we had. We had a beautiful bond. And we’ll have that again, sometime long in the future. But love isn’t finite. You can love someone else, without destroying what we shared. I want you to promise me that you’ll stop hiding from the world. You’ll go out there and take it by the horns and show it who’s boss. You’ll drive your life, instead of letting it run over you. Do you promise me this, on your sacred oath?
He leaned close and I could feel him now—that warm, intense energy left me breathless. How could I say no? How could I leave him worrying about me when he was at the crossroads, ready to walk into a different world?
“I’ll… I’ll try. I’ll do my best. But it won’t be easy,” I said.
Nobody ever said life was easy—or fair. Sometimes, we get handed the short stick and we have to make the best of it. If we waited for everything to be in perfect alignment, we’d be waiting forever. Go out there and make the life you want, for me—and for you.
I nodded. I’d heard this all before, but coming from Rian, it made a huge difference. He was giving me permission to walk ahead into the future without him. And that was the one piece that had been missing. I felt so guilty about leaving him behind that I hadn’t been able to do anything at all. Now, he was kicking me out of the nest. I was a fledgling again, and he had decided that it was time I learn to fly all over again.
“I will,” I said. “I give you my word, I’ll make you proud. And when it comes time, I’ll watch for you.”
