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“I know what you are insinuating, and I just want to make sure that they understand that it was actually the opposite of what you said.”
“All right. She’s right at least, oh, forty percent of the time.”
“Luke?”
“Forty-one percent?”
“We can finish this argument later,” she said, and Pam felt her cheeks heating.
“There you go. There’s something else. You can’t take your arguments too seriously. And you have to be willing to make up. Someone has to be humble.” He gave a long-suffering sigh. “Ask how I know.”
“Would you stop? They’re going to think I’m a monster.”
“We’re not going to think any such thing. You guys are adorable,” Pam interrupted. It was fun to listen to them banter back and forth, and it was sweet to know that they had so much fun together.
That was the kind of marriage she wanted. Where she and her husband laughed about things. Where they didn’t get offended over everything, where they appreciated each other, where they...enjoyed spending time with each other and chose to be with each other, even when they didn’t have to be. After all, right now, Luke could be sitting in front of the TV or doing some other manly pursuit, while Kristin did something in a completely different part of the house. But they’d made the decision for each of them to give up what maybe they wanted to do and to spend time together.
She assumed that each of them preferred to spend time with the other, rather than doing whatever it was that they could be doing.
She wasn’t sure whether her brain was reasoning that out, but she felt like she knew what she was talking about.
Where they had a choice of a whole bunch of different things that they could do, and they chose to spend time together, because that’s what they really wanted. To be with each other, over everything else.
But she couldn’t control that. She couldn’t make her husband want her. Couldn’t make him want to spend time with her or even want to banter and laugh and joke. She couldn’t make him not get upset, and she couldn’t make him look at her and think she was the most wonderful woman in the world, even when she wasn’t.
It was discouraging. She couldn’t imagine anyone looking at her like that. She had so many faults and flaws, she certainly wasn’t beautiful, even when she was younger, and now that she was in her fifties, she wouldn’t be gracing the cover of any magazines, anywhere, ever.
Whereas Mark, it was unfair, but it seemed like men got better as they aged. He had the salt-and-pepper hair that made him look distinguished rather than old, and while he wasn’t beanpole thin, the little bit of pouch that he had made him look more approachable, almost teddy bear status, like he was not quite perfect and therefore immensely lovable.
Did she want to be with someone who other women would be admiring and trying to catch his eye? Especially maybe they would be looking at her and wondering what someone like him was doing with her. And he would wonder the same thing. She really didn’t want that.
“So when’s the big day?” Luke asked, interrupting her thoughts.
“I don’t know. We haven’t decided.” Mark sounded surprised, like they hadn’t thought about it at all, which was the absolute truth.
“We were thinking about doing it quickly though. No big fanfare. We’re both in our fifties, and it seems kind of silly to have a big celebration at this point in our lives.”
“I’ve heard a lot of people say they wish they had the money back they spent on their wedding. But it’s not every day that you get married, and it is nice to mark the occasion.” Kristin spoke, her hands on Luke’s knee. “Our wedding wasn’t super big. And I don’t regret that at all.”
“I guess we’ll talk about it. But I agree with Pam. If she’s okay with something small, that would be my preference as well. I think, less than the wedding, the marriage should take priority. Figuring out how to make it something that represents Christ and the church, and not be something that we just endure.”
Pam felt her stomach flutter, like a whole nest of butterflies had erupted in it.
He was saying the words she really wanted to hear. Maybe that they were going to push the wedding under the rug, but they were going to work to make sure that it was something that they were both happy in. She liked that a lot better than just getting married and then ignoring it.
But...was that crossing the line of romance? She didn’t want to do that, because she really did agree with Luke about that, too. It would ruin their relationship if everything went south. She didn’t want to end up regretting this marriage as much as she regretted her first marriage.
They chatted some more with Luke and Kristin before one of their daughters came out and started calling for them.
“We’re being paged,” Luke said as Kristin stood up, and he stood up behind her.
“I don’t know if this is something that you’re talking to everyone about, but we’ll keep it under our hats if you want us to,” Luke said as they stretched and began making their way down the steps.
“If you would. That’d be great. We... We still haven’t made any definite plans,” Mark said, and Pam appreciated it. She didn’t want to have to deal with questions in town if they decided not to go through with it.
But she’d had more than twenty-four hours to think about it, and she really felt totally at peace.
Kristin and Luke walked off, and she and Mark sat in silence for a little bit.
