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I scowled. “I don’t want to think of it as one.”
“Yeah, I know. I just mean...you know, nothing is etched in stone. If you’re happy, then I’m happy. And the moment you’re not happy, I know you can leave. More importantly, you know you can leave.”
I nodded. It was true that I should internalize that idea as an option. It was hard to imagine ever wanting to leave Cole—or needing to leave him, for that matter. He was the perfect partner.
Then again...so had Wyatt once.
“Are you, by the way?” my brother asked. “Happy, that is?”
His expression was one of genuine concern. He wanted to ensure that I wasn’t affected by whatever had transpired earlier.
I forced a smile, taking a sip of the cold liquid. “I’m fine,” I said. “Just feeling a bit left out. I always do at these things. I always wish I could be part of the runs. Sometimes it feels like I’m missing a crucial part of being Cole’s mate. Like half of his life will always be cordoned off from me.”
Jack nodded, taking a sip of wine. “Is that feeling strong enough to want to transition into a shifter yourself? Or is it something you think you can process over time?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “And to be honest, I can’t tell if I’m being childish or not for pouting over not getting to participate in something. I mean, it’s normal for couples to have spaces they don’t share. It’s normal for Cole to have things in his life that aren’t open to me.”
“But?” Jack prompted playfully.
I huffed, looking at him before gazing back out at the two dozen or so people left over after the rest of the pack went off running.
“But…I just wonder if I can truly be part of the pack when I can’t even understand the fundamental parts of a shifter’s lived experience,” I said. “I can’t tell where the line is between Cole and I having separate lives, and Cole and I being unable to ever connect the way two partners should. The way a husband and wife should.”
“Marley, I don’t think he’d ever leave you,” Jack said.
I nodded, looking down at the opalescent stone in the beautiful engagement ring. “I know,” I said. “I actually know that’s true, for once. I finally believe I’ve found the person who loves me as much as I love them. But because I love him so much, I don’t want to experience a half-connection. I want the real thing, Jack. I want to be as close to Cole and Noah as I can. I don’t want anything to get in the way.”
Jack sighed and drained his glass. “Well, listen. I can’t lie to you and tell you that I have no reservations when it comes to the idea of you becoming a shifter. Not because I have any problems with you being one, but after watching Travis’s body literally tear itself to shreds, I don’t know if I could fully support something like that happening to you.” He paused. “But I will tell you that I don’t think you need to think yourself into a headache about it. The answer will become clear as you keep reflecting on things and learning about what life in the pack is going to be like for you.”
I took a deep breath and let it out nice and slow, nodding as I lifted my glass to my lips and took a sip. “Yeah,” I said. “You’re right. I’m probably just psyching myself out.”
“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “So for now, why don’t you just enjoy your engagement and help build the pack with your fiancé? Worry about the big decisions later. Stick to the day-to-day life stuff for now.”
He was right. I was once again putting the cart before the horse and forgetting the things that were truly important. I wasn’t certain why I was so fixated on this particular issue. Maybe because it had been such a prominent conflict between me and Cole. So, I’d put it away for a while and focus on the things I knew could make me feel happy and fulfilled: Noah and Cole, being close with my friends and family, learning how I could make myself useful.
Jack and I sat for a while longer, talking about this and that, coming down from the stress and brutality of Travis’s final injection. It was nice to get a little tipsy and get to know some of the other non-shifters. One of them was a young man who was the only kid in his big family not to have the shifter gene be dominant. He was a teenager and still figuring out whether he wanted to become a shifter. Then there was the middle-aged mother of a twenty-year-old shifter who had been longing for a community for a long time, especially since it was just him and his mom. She expressed gratitude for the pack, having experienced a lot of guilt for not being able to get her son properly acquainted with such an important part of himself.
We all were roasting marshmallows by the fire when the pack trickled back from the forest. Cole was part of the first group back, and after he shifted back into his human form, he ran right up to me, gathering me in his arms and spinning me around with a bright laugh.
“Here’s my perfect, beautiful mate,” he said, nuzzling my neck and nipping at it. “God, I missed you while I was running around. How are you feeling? How’s your energy level?”
“I should ask you that,” I said with a laugh. “Did you find some wolfnip out there or something? A gallon of coffee?”
He chuckled. “A run is always exhilarating,” he said. “It’s difficult not to feel the elation from it for several hours. Especially when the love of my life just agreed to marry me.”
“Well, good. I’m glad you had a great time,” I said. “As for my energy level…I’m doing just fine. Got a few more hours left in my tank, I think.”
“Good,” he said, then his expression turned serious. “But…I did feel a little twinge of something as we all took off on the run. You handling all of this okay?”
“Is it okay if we don’t talk about it here?” I asked. “There’s a lot of really good hearing around here, and I don’t want to cause a scene, even a subtle one.”
“Yeah, sweetheart,” he said. “Of course. We’ll chat when we get home. In the meantime…” He pulled me toward the little makeshift dance floor that had come together since the shifters returned. “I want to show you off. Come dance with me.”
I laughed, following after him. “Only if you let me stand on your toes. I’m doing my best not to embarrass myself here.”
“As if I would ever let you embarrass yourself,” he said, sweeping me into his arms.
Just as he did, a howl tore out from the forest. It wasn’t a victorious howl, nor was it gleeful—even I could tell that. Cole’s vision snapped to the tree line, his dark brows knitting together.
