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PROLOGUE
“At the end of the fucking day, Glacier, you won’t find a nigga like me. You’re a fucking square. You don’t know nobody. You don’t got nobody. Niggas not fucking with you. All the niggas you had before me lame and all the niggas after me gon’ be lame. Broke-ass niggas. Before me, you ain’t have but five hundred dollars to your name.
“Everything you are today is because of me! Remember that shit when you tooting that raggedy-ass Honda around the city with the gas light on and a trunk full of clothes because you can’t pay the rent in that fucking apartment I put you in. That whip I gave you, I’m repoing that bitch. Talking about leaving me. Bitch, I made you. I did. Me.
“The clothes on your back, I bought them. Them shoes on your feet, that’s me. Stop playing fucking games. Don’t act like you don’t know what it is. Leaving me means leaving with nothing, so make sure you choose wisely!”
“Is that all, Nelson?” Sighing, I blinked back the tears that stung my glossy orbs.
My head descended, peering down at the fluffy slippers that felt more comforting than the cold heels that sat by the front door waiting for me. To his credit, Nelson had purchased the black shoes with the red soles that I’d grown to love. However, the intensity of his hurtful words forced me to second-guess the decision to walk across that lengthy stage we’d practiced on with them clinging to my feet.
Willing myself not to cry, I thought of opposing times, fonder times, when his words didn’t slice me like steak knives and his anger didn’t rest in the pit of his stomach. During those times, he’d never spit such fire in my direction. During those times, I was paramount to his happiness and he was the source of mine.
But within twelve hours, it had all changed. The bitterness in my mouth at the sound of his name made my insides churn. Two small, yet significant pieces of information led us down an inevitable path that could end nowhere other than our destruction.
“Fuck you mean, is that all?” Angrily, he barked.
“I’m hanging up now.”
The warning was rooted in my deep desire to treat how I preferred treatment. Even in my despair, I was unable to inflict any amount of pain on Nelson or match his energy. I simply didn’t have it to give. The love that I harbored for him hadn’t disappeared overnight as our relationship status had, giving me more than enough fuel to remain cordial and respectful while facing scrutiny from his side of the line.
“Don’t hang up this fucking phone, Glacier.”
“What is it that you propose I do, Nelson? I won’t argue with you. I don’t have the energy or the time. In two and a half hours, I’m set to walk across the stage. I’ve worked extremely hard to obtain a degree so I refuse to let the news that my boyfriend is sleeping with my best friend and sometimes finds himself in situations that contradict his character disrupt the celebration. No matter how devastating it is. I can deal with my feelings another day. There won’t be another day for me to graduate nursing school.”
At the top of his lungs, he screamed, “I put you through nursing school!”
“Scholarships, hard work, late nights, and persistence put me through nursing school, Nelson. You simply provided a life that made all of those things easier for me. Nursing school was happening whether you were in my world or not. Did you make it easier? Yes. But I put myself through school.
“As stated a bit ago, I’m ending this call. Unless you’re calling to congratulate me, then please don’t use my number again. I’ve made it very clear that our time has ended. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. I wish you the best in life. I simply won’t be there to witness it and I’m okay with that. I need you to find a way to be okay with that as well. Goodbye, Nelson.”
As promised, I disconnected the call. A swipe underneath my eyes cleared my face of the tears without smearing my makeup. Gazing at my reflection in the full-length mirror, I inhaled deeply. What was supposed to be the happiest of my days quickly turned sour. Nelson and Valencia’s betrayal stung like a fresh bee sting, yet I still felt victorious.
I did it, I thought with widening nostrils and an aching heart. I finished.
It was still surreal. The feeling. The realization. The reality. My reality.
“Three deep breaths. Ten steps backward. Now I’m switching lanes. Tire marks. On my heart. It doesn’t beat the same.”
The words of Jhene Aiko’s track gaped my mouth and stretched my lips as I stood to my feet, pulling comfort right from under my bottom. There was so much more waiting for my presence than what had transpired in my absence. Showing up was the most prominent part of my future and punctuality was an addiction I wasn’t quite ready to kick this afternoon.
The tingling of my fingers was caused by the vibration of my phone. I lowered my gaze from the mirror to the screen, finding Nelson’s name on the screen, as expected. Quickly and quietly, I silenced the call. There was absolutely nothing else to discuss.
“’Cause baby I was born tired. Getting more tired.”
Tipping my head at an oblique angle, I traced the puffiness underneath my eyes. The concealer was applied lightly but obscured the blotchy, swollenness of my skin with precision. Because I had a twenty-five-minute drive, registration, and a position in line to take, time was of the essence. Though seemingly simple, the tasks would require at least two hours of my morning, leaving me with little to no downtime.
My journey to the closet in my studio apartment was swift. Upon entry, the light illuminated the large space. The boxes that piled up on the top shelf grabbed my attention. I reached forward and guided the sliding ladder in my direction. One by one, I climbed the bars until my chest was flush with the wood of the shelf. The Mossimo box I’d stored among the others that held designer bags and shoes slid from underneath the stack with ease.
I secured it under my armpit and descended the ladder carefully. The black dress that left me with little room to breathe restricted my movements, making the trip up and down a bit more dramatic than it was. Nevertheless, I rejoiced inwardly as my feet met the ground again.
Upon removing the top, I found the sleek, basic black pumps that I’d snagged six years ago. The walk down the aisle in the beauties was a painful one, one that I hadn’t anticipated until I was in my late sixties, possibly seventies. It was one that changed the trajectory of my life. One that left me broken and battered beyond recognition for two full years without giving me grace a single hour of a single day.
Closing my eyes, I remained still as visions of my parents resting peacefully in their caskets consumed me entirely. A fatal crash ended their lives simultaneously, breaking my heart a hundred times over. Some days, I found it difficult to lift my head from the pillow, due to the pain of their untimely demise, but the sound of their voices that still played in my mind was all the reassurance I needed to plant my feet on the ground in an effort to leave my mark on the world. They’d both done the same.
With a heart so heavy that it anchored my feet and slowed my pace, I treaded toward the bed, where I allowed the box to fall from my hands. It contacted the bed with a thud as one of the two shoes flew upward before landing right beside it. I lowered my body until it was flush against the comforter that was beckoning for my touch, attention, and tears.
One by one, I slid the shoes onto my freshly polished toes. Up on my feet, I smoothed my dress down, turning sixty degrees to meet the mirror’s surface for one final glance. Satisfied with my appearance, I tiptoed out of the makeshift bedroom that provided a sense of privacy. Though doorless, the wall that separated it from the living area served its purpose.
