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“Then, when that bullshit ass bond is broken because it wasn’t solid in the first place, they have to go ask a motherfucker for permission to leave a motherfucker, how to leave them, what they are entitled to after they leave them, and how long they stay in their pockets after they leave them. We good.
“If Kleu left me today, for one, I’m going to split somebody’s fucking wig, and second, she can have whatever the fuck she wants from me. I don’t need to pay for her a lawyer to tell me to be a decent human and make sure she’s straight when I asked her to quit her job. I asked her to take a chance on me… a chance on us.
“At the end of the day, it’s just papers and a high-ass ceremony most folk can’t even afford. Nigga, did you know that most of the wedding party pays to be part of the fucking wedding? What type of shit is that? I’m paying to be in your wedding that you asked me to be a part of? I’d cuss a motherfucker out.”
“We’ve never paid for any of the weddings we’ve been in.”
“Which is how it’s supposed to be.” He laughed. “That shit will never make sense to me. They pay for their hair, makeup, dresses, suits, shoes, everything. I’m good, man. I’ll go to my grave thinking that shit is all for nothing. People want weddings, not bonds these days. It’s always the most stressful day for brides and grooms. Ain’t shit okay about that.”
“I see where you’re coming from. Different strokes for different folks.”
“Which is why I’m at every one of them weddings, ready to get fucked up and watch the groom cry like a bitch.”
“I’m not going to cry.”
“Nigga, my napkin already ready. I love being a part of that shit because it’s beautiful, nonetheless, but in my opinion, it’s pointless.”
“You haven’t told a lie yet, so I feel ya.”
“But how long I got to get my shit together? I need to make sure I’m stacked standing by your side, wiping your tears. It’s the least I could do for you making me your best man.”
“I never said you were going to be my best man.”
“That shit understood, player. I’m the designated best man. Anybody that has a problem with that can get shot.”
“When they stop making guns, what you gon’ do?”
“Learn how to build my own. Fuck you mean?”
“You can’t shoot everything and everybody.”
“Why the fuck not?” He reared back.
Shaking my head, I decided against answering.
“When all this shit over, I’m going to ask her to marry me. Her birthday is February 14th.”
“She looks like she was born on Valentine’s Day.”
“Fuck that supposed to mean?” I took offense. The look of disgust was written all over his face.
“’Cause y’all niggas know how to pick ’em. All y’all niggas got the same girl, just different faces. Aeir – definitely could’ve been born on Valentine’s Day. Nature, though she has a little heart to go with her shit, still… Valentine’s Day. Glacier, if you blow too hard, she gon’ fall the fuck over.”
I tossed my head back, completely amused. He was speaking facts tonight, but he had Mommas fucked up.
“Twice, nigga. You’d have to blow twice.”
“Yeah, aight. A good one, two, three, pweeeeeeh and her ass on the flo’, dog.”
He demonstrated, filling his jaws with air and releasing it on three.
“Exaggerating ass nigga.”
“Point the wildest, finest, curviest one out and that girl gon’ belong to me.”
“Because you need somebody as crazy as you to deal with your shit.”
“Whatever. I can be a bit toxic sometimes. I don’t mean no harm. I just need somebody that can get with my shit when I’m getting with the shit. I can’t take a motherfucker that’s gon’ run cry. Nah, come punch me in my eye. Black that motherfucker so I know not to play with you no more.”
