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It’s better this way.
It’s best this way.
I convinced myself.
* * *
I checked the address for the sixth time, reading the numbers out loud and in my head. The darkness that surrounded me made it harder to read and forced me to squint my eyes a bit. After the sixth confirmation, I knew that it wasn’t the uncertainty that was keeping me seated. I stared up at the blue door, knowing, without a doubt, I was at the right place.
3. My door is always open for you. It’s the blue one; the only teal one on the entire street. I made it that way so you’ll never lose your way on your quest to find your way back to me.
I tugged at my beard, tittering at the nerves that continued to build in my belly. Question after question, scenario after scenario, kept me rooted in the driver’s seat.
What if she has a nigga?
It was that one that forced me out of the car and onto the pavement outside of Glacier’s home. I removed the Glock from my waist to remove the safety. If a nigga was laying in her bed, it would be the last bed he laid in before the one they reserved for him at the funeral home.
Chill.
The voice of reasoning spoke. I remembered the words she’d written and the pain that rested within them. I’d hurt her. If she found the strength to push forward, maybe I could live with that. Maybe I could live with someone repairing parts of her I’d broken.
2. You’ve gutted me.
As the thought surfaced, it dissolved. Glacier had made it abundantly clear that she’d always love me, despite it all. She’d told me several times over. She’d shown me. She’d written it in the letter that she sent me.
1. My heart will never not want you.
And I believed every word because my heart hadn’t stopped wanting her since the day I saw her face. It didn’t matter what I’d said or how I’d handled things, my heart had a different way of dealing. And it still wanted. It still craved. It still beat… for Glacier.
The modest two-story home was a far cry from our homes in Berkeley, but it was Mommas. I could taste the fruits of her labor after spending hours in the kitchen following one of Mercer’s recipes without flaw.
Those nights, the nights we spent inside, talking for hours, were the best kind of nights. Tonight, I was hoping we could run that shit back. If she’d have me. If she’d accept me. If she’d let me.
The ball was in her court. Whatever Glacier wanted, she could have, even if that was for me to get the fuck out of dodge. I’d leave for the night, but I’d have my Black ass on her porch before sunrise tomorrow.
It hadn’t taken me but a week to come to terms with the fact that there was no world without her. Chem had been right. Shit, Chem was always right.
When it comes to matters of the heart, nothing else mattered.
The second my foot hit the first step, the sweet sounds coming from Ghost and Midnight made me light up inside. Knowing that they were still looking after Mommas for me was rewarding. I pushed forward, dusting my foot on the mat in front of me as I pushed the doorbell with my index finger.
Clarke was a fucking doozy in the winter. Snow covered the roadways, driveways, and lawns. There were at least eight inches pressed against the garage door. I made a mental note to shovel that shit in case Glacier needed to get out at any point the next day. Being that it was so late in the evening, I was almost certain she was staying for the rest of the night.
Locks began to turn. I brushed my hands against my pants and straightened my posture, anxiously awaiting the moment that her beauty was revealed to me. The barking grew louder as the door cracked.
“Quiet, boys,” Glacier demanded.
The sound of her voice sent shock waves straight to my chest, awakening my heart. Through the cracked door, I could see her full frame.
“Sit nicely.” Her body was angled toward Midnight and Ghost. She continued to give orders, warning them to play nice. Neither one of them niggas knew what that shit even meant.
Look at me, I begged. Look at me, Mommas.
Finally, she lifted her head. A gasp fell from those beautiful lips of hers. She was dressed comfortably in a champagne-colored lounge set and slippers that were so fluffy, they looked twice the size of her small feet. She was so perfect. Still perfect. Still pretty.
“Makai,” she choked.
“I’ve missed you so, so fucking much, Mommas.”
