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“Let’s have this out right now, boys,” he says as he walks to the kitchen table and takes a seat, indicating that we should do the same. We follow obediently, still conditioned to do whatever our big brother tells us.
I open my mouth to speak, expecting that he’ll be wanting an apology from us both, but he starts talking before I can get a word out.
“I’m sorry that I kept this from you both,” he says with a heavy sigh. “Em told me just a few days before you were taken.” He nods to Liam. “And I’ll be honest, I had no fucking idea what to say to you both.”
“But…” Liam starts but Shane glares at him and he closes his mouth.
“I know that is no excuse for not telling you sooner. But every time I wanted to, something else happened. I was planning on telling you after this trip. I wanted to see if Paul knew. I didn’t even know if Patrick was telling the truth or whether it was his way of trying to absolve himself of any blame for being such a shitty father to you both. Easing his conscience or something.”
“I’ve never known you not have the right words for anything in my life, Shane,” I tell him with a frown.
“Are you calling me a liar?” he glares back.
“No, but I don’t buy your whole you didn’t know what to say bit, is all.”
“It’s not that I didn’t know what to say.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t know how to tell you and not tear your fucking worlds apart. Can’t you see that?”
“That’s not the only reason though,” Liam adds and I turn and look at my twin.
“No,” Shane swallows hard and looks at him.
“You knew I’d blame myself for him killing mum?” Liam whispers.
Shane nods in response and Liam turns to me. My twin and I are like mirror images of each other, but we are so very different. I sometimes forget how deeply Liam feels. The traumas of our childhood taught him to turn inward and look to himself for answers — and more often than not, blame — while I am more practical and deal with things head on. I use humor and my stubborn desire to prove Patrick Ryan wrong to process the shit we went through. And that was exactly what Liam did. He blamed himself. Then he questioned how everyone else would view him because Paul Ryan was our father and not Patrick, whereas for me, we simply swapped one monster for another. For me, it explained why Patrick Ryan hated our guts, and in that it has given me some peace, but for Liam it has only brought more insecurities and doubts.
“You must know that none of it was our fault, right?” I say as I place my hand on the back of Liam’s neck.
“Yeah,” he nods and while his head does know that, his heart will take a while to catch up.
Liam turns back to Shane. “I told you once that there was nothing you could do that would make me turn my back on you.”
Shane’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows and I feel my muscles tense as the emotion in Liam somehow spills over into me. The air in this room is so thick with tension, I could cut it with a knife.
“You are the only dad we’ve ever had.” Liam wipes a tear from his cheek and I feel like goddamn crying myself now. “And I’m sorry I was an asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that.”
“Yeah. Me too,” I add quietly. Liam is right. Conor has always looked out for us, too. He is the best big brother anyone could ask for, but this man right here is our father. He has protected and provided for us from the moment we were born, and how can we be pissed at him for still wanting to do that?
“I kinda deserved it,” Shane says and a tear rolls down his face and I almost lose my shit. I have never seen him cry my whole life.
The sound of Jessie and Conor laughing breaks the tension as they walk through the door. They stop when they see us.
“Everything okay?” Conor asks with a frown.
Shane looks to me and Liam.
“Yeah. Perfect,” Liam replies.
“Glad to hear it,” Conor winks at us and I’m grateful he’s no longer pissed at us because he’s a scary motherfucker, and I hate him not being on my side.
“Are you cooking?” Jessie asks as she glances at the chopped onions on the side and the fresh minced beef.
“Yes,” I stand up and walk over to her. “I’m making a chili.”
“Oh, I love your chili,” she beams at me as she takes a seat on a stool at the kitchen island.
“Nice. I’m starving,” Conor agrees as he sits beside her.
“So am I after that workout,” I wink at Jessie.
