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Yet it was nothing compared to what Duke had to endure, what he had todoto save his mom. I didn’t even ask how his mom’s doing now or if she’s still around. We won’t get a chance to have that or any conversation now.We can’t do this…
“Ryan didn’t,” I reply. “It’s like you said. He’s a prince. Completely spoiled.”
“So what now?” Rachael asks. “Are you going to wait for him to go to the cops or—”
“I don’t care about that,” I cut in. “I don’t care about the cops or those men or… I only care abouthim.”
Rachael leans back. She has an uncanny ability to look so deeply at me as if she’s peering directly into my thoughts. After a pause, she says, “You really like him. Duke. This wasn’t just about revenge, was it? This was… real.”
I swallow, smoothing my hands over my belly. I realize I’ve been doing this far more often since I first saw Duke. It’s like there’s already a baby inside me,hisbaby. That baby will have Ryan as a big brother. Myexwill be my baby’s big brother.
“Yeah,” I say. “I think so. I’m not sure. It’s not like I’ve got any experience, but if anything is real, it’s this. That’s why I didn’t tell him at first. I didn’t want to ruin it. Now it’s ruined. There’s no chance it can work. Go on, Rach. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me there’s a way we can be together.”
I say it as a challenge, knowing there’s no possible positive response. Even so, deep down, I long for her to say some magic words to make this all okay. I long for her to reshape circumstances and the world so Duke and I can be a couple.
“I don’t know,” she says after a way-too-long pause.
“Be honest,” I tell her. “Imagine we’re not talking about me. Take my feelings out of the equation.”
“I…” She bites down, then looks at me steadily. “Okay, Molly. I don’t think this can work. That’s just my honest opinion.”
I swallow, nod, and try not to let her see how her words affect me. It’s like she’s running a truck directly into my dreams, but I can’t blame her. I asked her to be honest, and she’s right. How could this ever work?
“I don’t enjoy saying that,” she says after a moment. “I’ve never seen you like this before. You clearly care about him.”
“My crush started while Ryan and I were still together,” I tell her. “Ryan showed me a photo, and I liked him. I more than liked him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to have a family with him. I wanted to marry him.”
With each declaration, Rachael leans slightly away. It’s like she thinks my insanity is contagious. “Whoa,” she says. “I… whoa.”
“Yeah, I know. Nuts, right?”
“No, I wouldn’t saynuts.”
“So you think I’msanefor wanting all that after seeing a photo when I knew he was my then-boyfriend’s dad?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “I’ve never experienced anything like that. I don’t know what to say. I want to support you, but…”
“But,” I say forcefully when she trails off.
“I’m not sure how Icansupport you,” she says, “because thinking like this will not lead to anywhere good, not if it’s already over. If you want my advice…”
“I do,” I say. Then I’m punched hard in the mind with a powerful image of Duke smiling down at me, our hands linked, the wordsI docoming from his lips, that captivating smirk touching the corner of his mouth.
“I think you should try to let him go,” she says. “It will be for the best. You’ll find somebody else, somebody closer in age, somebody who isn’t your ex’s dad. Somebody who wants to be with you.”
That last one stings, but she says it in a kind tone. I know she wants the best for me. I know she’s saying all this to help me, but it doesn’t change the fact that my initial instinct is to scream at her. My initial reflex is to tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
I fight that response, nodding, knowing she’s right. No, not knowing, butthinkinglogically, she has to be right. Looking at it from the outside like I asked her to do, there’s no way this can work.
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “Anyway, I’ll be in Korea soon. Maybe I’ll find someone there.”
Before Duke, the Korea trip filled me with excitement and hope for the future. Now, the idea of leaving feels so wrong. I can’t leave the future father of my children.
Maybe I’ll have to let Rachael do the thinking for me. Or, every time I think about Duke, I’ll have to step outside myself and try to view the situation as if I’m looking at somebody else. I don’twantto do this. I’d rather hold on to the impossible lie that we will be together long term. I’d rather believe we can somehow make this work.
But how? The man I want—need—said wecouldn’tdo this. He told me thiscouldn’twork. What exactly do I think I’m going to do, convince him? Even if I thought I could, I don’t want our relationship to be something I have to persuade him to want.
Rachael smiles after a pause. “You’ll find the man of your dreams in Korea, and none of this will seem as important.”
