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Maybe this marriage thing won't be as hard as I thought.
I hit the switch, the automatic shades rolling into place, cocooning us in darkness. I lift my weighted blanked off the chair in the corner of the room, and fold it into a rectangle the perfect size to cover my chest.
"What is that?" Janey's voice is soft in the dim room. I pause a second, staring down at the blanket.
"A weighted blanket."
"What is it for?"
"Pressure." I wish I could see her eyes. See what she's thinking. "It helps me. It helps me climb back into my body."
She pushes up on one arm, the neckline of my shirt falling off one shoulder. "Climb back from where?"
"The Land of Overwhelm. At least, that's what Zach used to call it."
"What do you call it?"
"A brain overload. Too many sounds and lights. Too much busyness. Too many new experiences."
She's quiet, her short breaths loud in the space between us. "I'm sorry," she finally says.
"Why? None of it is your fault."
"I'm bringing a bunch of change to your life."
"That's the point. I'm the one that asked you to marry me, Janey. I want you. I want everything that comes with you. This," I say, holding up the blanket, its weight forcing me to engage my shoulders to hold it up, "Is just a tool that helps me cope."
"You're sure you don't want me to go somewhere else...to the other room."
"I want you in my bed. I told you that." Today, and every day forward, for the rest of our lives.
"I'm worried you're going to be too nice and that you won't tell me when you need space. And then you end up resenting me and wish I would go away."
Her brain is spinning out. I search for a way to reassure her, but come up with nothing. I've already told her I love her. That I want her. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do right now.
"Do you want some of my blanket? I can share." The pressure makes me feel better. Maybe it will help her too.
She sighs, and drops back to the bed. "No, I'm okay. You use it." Do I offer again? Do I let it go? Sometimes what people say isn't what they actually mean, but I don't know if that's the case here.
I lower myself to the bed and lay down, my body relaxing for the first time today. I carefully arrange the blanket on my chest, the heavy weight pressing me firmly into the bed. A low groan escapes me. Janey giggles, a low, muffled sound.
"Can I..." she says, wiggling toward me, her hand coming to my arm. She doesn't finish her question, and I don't ask, too focused on not moving. I don't want to scare her away. Her hand glides over my arm, to my ribs. "Can I feel how heavy it is?" She doesn't wait for a yes, which is good because I can't feel my face right now. I definitely won’t be able to form words. Her fingers dance over my ribs, making me want to laugh and pull away at the same time I want to stretch and let her touch more, then carefully, they wriggle between my chest and the blanket.
"My goodness," she says, her hand planted firmly over my chest. "It's so heavy."
I clear my throat, gaze fixed on her face, the dim highlight from the bathroom letting me see just enough of her. Her lips are so close to my arm, I wish I'd taken my shirt off before climbing into bed. I want to feel her breath on my skin. "Thirty pounds."
She hums, and her hand moves minutely on my chest, an almost caress. "That's a lot of weight."
"Not really. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like enough. And if it starts to feel like too much, I just unfold it or take it off."
"How did you realize the weight helps?"
"Trial and error, mostly. When I would get...very upset, my brother would have to restrain me. He'd put me in a bear hug. A lot of the time, that helped. When I got bigger, he or one of my other brothers would lay on me." Those years Zach and I were in foster care were filled with confusion, and anger, and overstimulation. He was the only thing that was stable. The only thing I could trust.
"Lay on top of you?" she asks, a hint of awe in her voice. "They're so big."
I smile despite the headache. "Yes, they are. Sometimes that amount of pressure feels good, for short bursts anyway. But my brothers come with a lot of other...stuff that's unhelpful."
