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Surprising myself, I reach out and pat him briefly on the shoulder. "You'll adjust." I’ve had to.
Moving with purpose now, I scan the signs and steer my cart to the left.
"Wait, the checkouts are over here," he calls from behind me.
"I know," I mumble, my mind completely consumed.
John jogs to catch up. "Where the hell are we going? This is everything on my list."
I scowl at him briefly, then zero in on exactly what I was looking for.
"Need cake."
24
JANEY
Get it together, woman. He's your husband. You have every right to ask him.
I scrub my teeth a little harder, staring into the mirror. My mental pep talk is not working. Not really. I want to sleep in the same bed as my husband tonight. Maybe it's Christmas, or maybe it's just him. Either way, it's all I can think about.
I rinse my mouth and grip the sides of the sink. This bathroom is bigger than the kitchen in my old apartment. Everything here is bigger, nicer, and newer.
Except me. I feel old and used up. Admittedly, I'm looking better tonight than I have in a while. My eyes are clearer, the bags under them are mostly gone. I look more like me. My hair's clean and shiny again. It's vain, maybe, but not being able to wash my hair anytime I wanted was one of the hardest parts of having no home. The showers at the shelter were hot, but I'd have to bring all of my stuff in with me. The gym was easier, but I couldn't always get there. But here, I have a massive walk-in shower just for me. It’s pure decadence, and I’m enjoying every second of it.
In such a short time, Jonas has changed everything. And I'm more confused than ever. Do I throw myself into this and risk having my heart broken? I already did that with Keith, and it was an epic mistake. Do I protect my heart and try to make it through the next year without falling for Jonas? Or do I save us both the heartache, and just file for an annulment? Then that prenup wouldn't matter. Jonas would keep everything that belongs to him.
That last option...walking away now, makes my stomach twist. Is it wrong to want just a little bit of the dream?
Soft strains of classical music meet my ears as I enter the living room. Jonas is on the couch, feet up over the top, and his head dangling off, clutching a pillow to his chest. The position looks awkward and uncomfortable to me, but the peaceful look on his face makes it clear he's good. I was so focused on the mission at the grocery store today, I didn't get to check in with him. For a man that doesn't like crowds, he's impressed me over and over again.
I smooth my hand over my pajamas — the same ones as last night — and take a deep breath. These are miracle pajamas, showing off my legs, and arms, while also smoothing my belly and butt. I'm pretty comfortable with my body, but it's still nice to wear something flattering. And judging by the way Jonas looked at me this morning, he thinks I look good too.
I pad quietly across the apartment and stop next to Jonas. He doesn't move, so I carefully drop to the couch beside him, and cross my legs under me. I'm checking to make sure my bottoms aren't showing off something I don't want them to, when Jonas speaks.
"You smell good," he says, not opening his eyes. "Like sunscreen."
"I grabbed a cocoa butter lotion at the mall yesterday."
"Cocoa" he says, sounding intrigued. "Like chocolate? People put that on their skin?"
"They do," I murmur, wishing I could see his face. I slide off the couch, and he turns his head, meeting my eyes. Every time he does that, my heart jumps in my chest, and other parts of me get warm. Maybe if he looked at me all the time, I'd be able to get used to it, but the short, searing glances are a lot harder for me to handle.
"Sometimes, when I look at you, it's hard to breathe," he says. The way he echoes my feelings is both spooky, and comforting. Goosebumps rise on my arms, and I shiver.
"You're cold," Jonas says, flipping off the couch and onto his feet, flinging the pillow across the room. My heart stops when he narrowly misses banging his head on the coffee table. He's back in seconds, carrying the cardigan he was wearing today. I'm not actually cold, but I can't bring myself to say that. Instead, I stand and turn silently, giving him room to step behind me. He carefully drapes it over my shoulders. His hands grip my upper arms, and he exhales heavily behind me. I hear the exhaustion in it, and I feel the same. This is my moment. This is when I can ask him. Can I sleep with you tonight?
"Come sit on the couch. It's still early," he says, beating me to it.
I lean back and stare up at him, way up, and nod. He cups my elbow and guides me into the corner of the couch, then nearly dances away, bouncing on his toes. He presses his palms together and spins his hands as he stares somewhere around my chin.
"I promised to rub your feet yesterday, and I didn't do it. I do not want to break my promise. I should do it now."
Should. That word makes me want to give him an out. ”You don't have to. They feel better today anyway."
He frowns and drops his hands. "I researched how to give a proper foot rub. Do...do you not want me to touch you? I thought it was something a husband would do."
He looks so disappointed that I don't even hesitate. "No one's ever rubbed my feet. Except for pedicures here and there. I would like it if you gave me a foot rub Jonas."
