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"I don't like classical music," I blurt, then slap my hand over my eyes. Somehow, that’s the best I can come up with right now.
"Okay," Jonas says slowly. "What else."
"Um...I say yes to things, then secretly resent it."
"What else," he says.
"I'm afraid that if I say no to people, I won't have any friends left."
"What else?"
"I don't know," I mumble.
He nods, staring over my head. "Are all women confusing, or is it just you?" He shakes his whole body and focuses back on me. "It seems like there's a simpler solution than an annulment."
"Oh," I say faintly. This is what I wanted right? Why does it feel so bad?
"We stay married, and you show me exactly who you are. Stop being on your best behavior. Stop saying what you think I want to hear. And if you're right, and I fall out of love with you, at least we'll know."
"But I'll still get my heart broken."
He snorts and meets my eyes. "Maybe. But your plan to get an annulment would break mine. For sure. Doesn't feel like a great option to me."
It sounds like an awful option to me. It sounds like an incredibly selfish option.
He runs a finger across my forehead, pushing back some strands of hair. "Life is risky. None of us are getting out of it alive. And trying to protect our hearts might be safer, but I think I'd rather love, and worry, than live in a bubble alone. It's up to you, but I want to try. I think the possibility of us is worth it. But I can't keep convincing you. I thought I could. But I didn't know it would hurt so much. And now, knowing that you are a...doormat, it would be wrong of me to try and convince you."
He steps back and drops his eyes. "But I will ask you. Give us a shot, Janey. Try...for both of us."
I see the pain in his face, and the guarded look in his eyes. I hate that I made him feel that way. "But what if it doesn't work?"
He taps his fingers on his thigh. “I can live with failing. I can't live with not knowing. Can you?"
Can I live with walking away, never truly knowing if we could have been great? If I could have had a man who knows all of me, and loves me with everything he is?
"No," I whisper, watching the relief wash across his face. "No, I can't."
He exhales heavily, and extends his hand. "Then it's a plan. We stay married, and we show each other exactly who we are."
I put my hand in his, savoring his warmth, wrapping me up. "So help us, God," I mumble as he tugs me back inside.
29
JONAS
I'm staring. I can't stop myself. Everything she says and does right now feels like a lie, and it's making me jumpy. Lie feels like the wrong word, though. She's not doing it on purpose, but it's still not true. What's in the middle of a lie and the truth? A luth? Is that a word? If not, it should be.
"You're acting creepy."
I startle, turning to find Abby sitting at the table on my right. The rest of my family has scattered throughout the penthouse in a post-dessert daze.
"Yes," I say harshly, hoping she'll go away. I am not in the mood for her chatter right now. I am mulling over the problem that is my wife.
"As long as you're aware," she says, not bothered by my tone at all. "But can I just point out, you looking at your wife like that is bound to lead to a divorce."
I slam my hand over my eyes, just in case she's right, and take a few deep breaths. Then a few more. I go past my usual ten, all the way to seventeen. When I open them, I turn immediately to Abby, and find her sipping a big glass of something reddish from a straw, her eyes crossed as she looks down at it. She releases the straw with a smack of her lips.
She is a child.
