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Finally, looking at my wife, wanting to bridge the space between us, I give her a little more of me. "Janey," I say softly, waiting until she looks at me. Her mouth is tight and her eyes are creased and I realize I'm willing to tell her every embarrassing thing about me if it will stop her from looking at me like that.
"When I am working, the rest of the world ceases to exist, even my body. I don't notice I'm tired, or hungry, or that I need to use the washroom. So when I finally come back to earth, things are...urgent. All I can think about is food, or the bathroom. Today, it was the bathroom. I am sorry I snapped at you." She nods faintly, her shoulders dropping. I turn to my brothers. "I'm sorry I snapped at you too, Declan."
He nods. "I'm sorry too, man. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Janey, it was my fault."
She sits back on her bum, and crosses her legs. "In the ninth grade, we were doing a gymnastics unit. I was up on the big long bar. You know the one hip height off the floor? I should have gone to the bathroom before class, I knew it. But I was too excited." Declan, Mac, and Zach suck in a breath and cover their mouths. Janey grins at them, then turns to me. "I lost my balance and fell right onto my stomach. I didn't even realize I was peeing until I felt the warmth." Her cheeks are red, but she's smiling.
"What happened next?" I ask, already able to picture the embarrassment of that moment.
Her smile turns...not sad, but thoughtful, maybe? I don't know this look yet.
"Another girl close by had a sweatshirt. She was popular, and pretty. I didn't really know her. I thought she would be mean...a lot of the popular kids were. But she wasn't. She took off her sweatshirt and wrapped it around my waist. A couple of her friends were laughing, but she shut them up fast." She shrugs and rubs at the knee of her sweats. "It could have been so much worse. It was awful going to class the next day, but no one said anything. It felt like a miracle."
I scoot closer to her, and cover her hand on her knee. She looks up at me with a gentle smile, and turns her hand under mind so we're holding hands. "Janey," I say, looking deep in her eyes, letting myself get lost in her for a minute. "The next time you pee your pants, you can have my sweater. And I promise, if anyone laughs at you, I will give them an atomic-level wedgie." I pause, thinking it over. "Except the girls. But I will give them very stern lectures."
Janey's smile widens, and she grips me even tighter.
"My hero," she whispers.
34
JANEY
I power off my phone and drop it back into my purse. Another call from Mark. Another voicemail I'll delete without listening to. I don't know why he keeps leaving them. I guess he figures the texting just isn't getting his point across. His threats are the same ones he's been trying for weeks, but they're not scaring me the way they used to. I think I finally believe that it’s going to be okay, no matter what he does.
Jonas has the most expressive face. Every time he hears my phone ping, he looks like he wants to throw it across the room. He actually bites his lip to keep from saying anything.
Honestly, the lip biting is killing me. Is it weird that I'm wishing for Mark to text just so Jonas will do it again?
Yeah, that's weird. Where did my panic go? Where's the racing heart and fearful thoughts? When did they disappear? Maybe it was around the time Jonas bolted to the bathroom, then came back to hug me before tearing a strip off of Declan. The connection and love I felt in that hug was truly something I've never felt before. I didn't even know something so simple could feel so good. The after wasn't so great, but even our argument wasn't that bad.
Hugs from men aren't usually like that, at least not in my experience. My dad's hugs were...grudging. Like he hugged me because that's what he was supposed to do, not because he wanted to. Other than when he was in the hospital, I don't remember Mark ever hugging me.
Boyfriends would be affectionate, but it was never affection just for affection's sake. It was always an attempt toward getting in my pants.
With Jonas, it's none of those things. It feels like he'd be happy to hold me all night just because it feels good to him.
It's an incredibly heady feeling. It makes me want more of him, all the time.
Wanting to see him, needing one of his hugs, I grab my purse and coat, and head upstairs by myself. Fridays always have an edge of excitement to them. It's like the whole building is giddy. At the same time, it seems like the day the staff struggle the most. I think the anticipation of the weekend is hard for some, and for others, the prospect of two days of no demands feels a little like being set adrift. Their purpose and sense of self are wrapped up in their work here. They feel needed and useful, but out there in the world, they're lost.
I guess I'm one of those people. Work always felt like a refuge for me. A place where I had a purpose. Even when I worked at reception, I loved seeing everyone every day and learning about their lives. I craved the connection.
I don't think I'm the same anymore. Jonas has changed me. Now, I can't wait to get home. To put my weekend clothes on and settle in on the couch with my husband, or go to the puzzle store and help him pick new puzzles. There's so much to look forward to. Our life together feels complete in a way nothing else in my life has. It's a feeling I'm not going to give up, at least not without a fight.
I'm done guarding my heart, playing it safe, watching and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's exhausting, and it's not making me happy.
Jonas makes me happy.
Spending time with my new family makes me happy.
Jonas is right. What if instead of anticipating losing all of it, I just hold on tight and love every minute of it? If it ends, at least I had it for a while. It's starting to make more sense than worrying. Making yourself miserable thinking about losing something seems like a dumb way to live. I'm done with dumb.
So tonight, I'm going to seduce my husband.
It's late, nearly 6:00 PM, and the executive floor is quiet. The cubicles are empty. Most of the office doors are open, except Jonas's. I walk past it and poke my head into Ransom's office. Ransom, Nick and Maverick are the only ones inside.
Ransom smiles and rises from his desk. "Janey. Jonas was working on a project. He's still in his office. Would you like me to take you home?"
