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Don't deserve that.
A little voice in my head tries to convince me that I'm wrong. That making a mistake as a child doesn't mean I have to be punished for the rest of my life.
A bigger voice reminds me that she's gone. That her life was cut short thanks to my selfishness. That voice is louder, and much easier to believe. It's had it's claws in me for a long time.
Desperate to get out of my head, I turn the conversation to safe ground. "How are things going with your dad?"
Janey beams at me, her joy in her relationship with her dad obvious. "So good. He's so different, but the same. It's weird sometimes. I'll see flashes of my old dad, the one before the booze. He's still that person."
I met the guy, not that long ago. He came to their apartment. He was a little overwhelmed by all of us, but no way was he going to get to stay around unless we all checked him out. "He seems like a good dude."
She nods, looking so serious for a second. "He is a good guy. He didn't used to be, but now, he is."
"And just like that, everything's peachy?"
She raises her eyebrow at me. "Peachy? Really?" She laughs when I scrunch up my face. "No, things aren't peachy. They're work. We're trying to build something new. There's so much pain and sadness between us, that doesn't just go away."
"Then how do you do it? How do you forgive? He abandoned you in every way that matters. Why are you letting him back into your life? Why does he deserve a second chance?" I'm desperate to understand her, but also her father. How does he allow himself to be forgiven? How does she forgive?
Her gaze turns soft. "I don't think it's about a second chance, not really. If he were exactly the same man he was a decade ago, I wouldn't be trying. But he's not. So it's not a second chance. It's giving the man he is now a first chance. I don't know if it will all fall apart, or if he'll go back to drinking. But I won't ruin everything we have now by worrying about that happening in the future."
"None of us are who we were a decade ago," I mumble, her words rocketing through me. I am not the same person as I was a year ago. Do I really have to suffer for something I did as a seven-year-old?
I was so small. Only a few years older than Mia. And I know for a fucking fact that I would never hold her responsible for the actions of an adult. Never.
So why do I hold myself responsible?
"It's hard to let go of the past. You make it look so easy."
"I'm married to a man who loves me unconditionally. I have a beautiful home, a great job, and wonderful family." She grins at me when she says family, and I'm suddenly so fucking grateful Jonas pushed her into marrying him. She's a damned amazing sister-in-law. "It's a lot easier to shake off the past when you're happy."
"Yeah, I guess it would be."
Am I happy? I thought I was, but maybe I didn't understand what that meant. Maybe I've just been...satisfied. That's the same as happy, isn't it?
Isn't it?
John seems to relax by the end of the meal. He even cracks a smile when Janey scoops what's left of her meal onto his plate instead of Jonas's. Jonas's look of absolute betrayal makes us all laugh. He pulls her in for a kiss and I look away, leaving them to their moment. My eyes land on Bree who's watching them with a look of longing on her face.
Maybe she's changed her mind about a boyfriend. Maybe she's ready. Am I ready to watch her fall for some guy?
No fucking way.
Things break up quickly after that, Janey and Jonas's flushed faces making it pretty clear that they're going upstairs to play hide and seek. Abby picks up her art supplies and heads for the door, giving us a little wave as she exits.
"Are you guys friends?" Bree asks, looking at the closed door.
John shrugs and carries a stack of plates to the counter. "I don't know. Maybe? She comes over a lot, but she says the light is better in here." He sets the plates down and starts rinsing. "I don't really care. She's mostly quiet. Doesn't get in the way."
Bree looks baffled by that answer, and I get it. They're not friends, but she's allowed to hang out whenever. She lets herself in anytime she wants. And he doesn't yell at her.
Maybe they're more than friends? Friends with benefits maybe? I don't really get that vibe, but weirder things have happened.
After a quick thanks to John, I walk Bree to her door, not quite ready to say goodbye. I search for a way to keep her talking longer. "So, when's your next game?"
She looks at me in confusion, then her eyes flash to my shoulder, thankfully free of the sling. "Why? You ready to dislocate the other shoulder?"
I gasp in outrage. How dare she question my superior manly abilities? "That was an accident. Besides, I was kicking ass. You could use me on your team."
