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"This feels wrong," I mutter, glancing back at the door.
Bree sighs and drops onto the other end of the couch. "You haven't even touched me. It's my apartment now, not hers. We're not doing anything wrong."
"What if Cara walks through that door?"
"What if she does?" Bree challenges. There's a bite to her words that propels me to my feet. I think better when I'm moving, and my gut's telling me we're about to dive into a load of shit. I'm going to need my mind clear. Bree and I haven't spent any time together outside of my apartment. It's our safe space. But now that Cara's officially moved in with Declan, Bree's been insistent about us spending time here.
"Are we ready for that to happen? We talked about waiting, and really figuring out what we want. You won't even let me take you on a date."
Bree frowns and rubs her hands on her thighs. "We spend a lot of time together, we've had lots of dates."
"No, we haven't. We spend time at my place, which I have no complaints about by the way, but that's it. I only see you outside of here if we're all doing something, or I'm subbing for one of your teams. Every time I suggest we go to dinner or anywhere really, you get weird."
"I don't get weird," she mumbles. I tilt my head at her, and a wash of pink fills her cheeks. "Okay, I get weird," she admits grudgingly.
I sit on the coffee table in front of her. I reach out to cup her knees, then think better and pull my hands back. "I'm almost afraid to touch you," I confess. "You pull away from me. Not all the time, but whenever we're in public. I can't quite figure out why. Why don't you want anyone to know about us?"
She presses her lips together, and her eyes get shiny. I want to tell her to forget about it. Reassure her that everything is fine, but my gut tells me we've reached a point of no return. We have to work this out, or it's going to destroy us before we even get to the good stuff. So I brace my elbows on my knees and give her time to process.
Things have been so good between us for the last week. I see her almost every night, and I'm not sick of her, not even a bit. I've never had this with anyone. All my previous relationships were short-lived. Part of that might have to do with my fucked up head, but it's also more than that. I've never connected with anyone the way I do with Bree. I don't just like her, I respect and admire her. So feeling like her dirty little secret's starting to get to me.
Bree grabs a pillow off the sofa and hugs it to her chest. Her fingers play with the ribbed edge. "You're spooked about Cara finding out," she finally says.
I nod. "Yeah. Your sister's scary. But I'd claim you in a heartbeat and face her wrath if I thought you were ready for that. But I get the feeling you're not."
"So then why are you so freaked about being in my place?"
"Because I don't have a death wish. Cara walking in and finding out about us that way is the stuff of nightmares. No, when we're ready...if we're ready to tell her, it has to be purposeful. She's going to have big feelings about it, and we need to be prepared for that."
"Big feelings," Bree says with a groan. "She flat out told me that I won't be dating any of you. I don't really get it. You all are good guys, so I don't see why she'd draw a line in the sand like that."
I shift uncomfortably and run my fingers through my hair. "Ah...I might understand where she's coming from there." Bree leans forward, and I rush the words out. "I used to be pretty casual about...women. Cara saw and heard a lot."
"She thinks you guys are horn dogs."
"We used to be. I used to be. I don't think it was anything crazy, but yeah, I had sex. I'm a grown man. I've been around a bit. But I get the feeling Cara would rather see you with a virgin."
That startles a laugh out of her, and I relax a little. This conversation has been a long time coming. At least it feels like a long time. We've only been spending time together, I can't call it dating yet, for a few weeks, but I already know what I want.
Everything.
I want all of her. I want all her nights and her days. All her happy and her sad.
What I don't want to be anymore is her secret.
"We can handle Cara. That's what I do for a living baby. Handle pissed off people. I have skills." I send her a wink and she grins, loosening her grip on the pillow.
"I don't want to disappoint her," she admits quietly. "She's been there for me through everything. She raised me."
"Do you think I'm a bad guy?"
"No! Of course not. I think you're the best guy."
"Then that has to be enough. Cara always trusted your decisions in the past. She can get there again."
"In the past," Bree emphasizes. "She trusted me in the past. But I made a pretty huge mistake, and I don't think she trusts me anymore. I don't really blame her. I don't trust me."
"Is that why you won't let me hold your hand when we're in public?" She gives me a guilty look, and I press on. "After Volleyball this week, I tried to hold your hand, and you pretended you didn't notice. You pulled away and fussed with your bag." She wouldn't look me in the eye either. "It didn't feel good."
