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“How long did you know?” I ask. “About the toys?”
He takes his time answering. “Second week here. I was about to use the shower when I saw you’d left behind a dildo. So I went back to my room, waited an hour, and when I returned to the bathroom, it was gone.”
I look down. Jeez, how mortifying. I should’ve been more careful, but I was excited. Being away from home, I felt safe storing sex toys in my room because there were no siblings or parents around to find them accidentally. So as soon as I was in Melbourne, I bought one, and my collection only grew from there.
“Hey.” Lucas starts to reach out, then pulls back his wet hand at the last moment, settling for crowding me with his warm body. “Don’t look like that. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“I just feel…not very clever.”
“Don’t,” Lucas says decisively. “I’m the one who spent an hour in my room, pacing, hands shaking. I’m the one who should be embarrassed.”
I look at him shyly. “Back then…”
“Mm?”
“Would you think of me when you jerked off?”
Now Lucas is the one who turns red. He mumbles something under his breath and elbows me while I laugh.
*
Exams are officially over. I take the tram back home, and although I should be exhausted after my final exam, which was two and a half hours, I’m not. Energy buzzes through me from my fingertips to my feet. I don’t let myself think too hard about what’s waiting for me at home because if I do, I’ll pop a boner in public.
Lucas is already back at the apartment. He waits for me by the door, and the sight of him makes my stomach flip over. He looks on edge, hands twitching by his sides, eyes a dark, stormy grey. He doesn’t bother with pleasantries, doesn’t ask me about my day or my exam, and I don’t ask him either. I just let him pull me into my room.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Lucas
Age 19
When I was little, my parents had a fight in the kitchen. They started out quiet, because they probably thought I wouldn’t be able to hear from the living room where I was watching ABC3. But their voices grew louder and louder, and Mum’s was so high that it hurt my ears. That’s what happens when she starts to shriek.
As for my dad, he started yelling and bellowing, like a scary lion.
Some of their words I didn’t understand. Words like income and incompetence. Some things I did understand. Simple language like you’re never here and you never help and I’m the one making money while all you do is nag me.
Actually, there were a lot of things I understood. A lot of plain, simple language I remember.
I ran to Charlie’s house. He lived two kilometres away, and I had to cross several roads. It’s a wonder I didn’t get lost. He answered the door and brightened and asked if I was there to play, but then I started crying.
In his room, he gave me orange juice and asked what was wrong.
I told him my parents were arguing again, that my mum had said my dad was leaving because he doesn’t love me enough. I was still crying as I explained that it was because I was naughty, because I always made messes and never finished the porridge he made me in the mornings and my shoelaces kept undoing, which annoyed him.
“It’s okay.” Charlie wrapped me in a big hug, and at that time, I was smaller than him, so he practically swallowed me in his arms. “Don’t be upset because I love you.”
“You do?”
“Yep. I love you times a hundred, so don’t be sad about your dad, ‘cause you have me.”
I’m sure that’s the moment I fell in love with him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Now
I thought it’d be rough and ravenous. I thought Lucas would thrust into me like he wanted to bury me into the mattress, and I would dig my nails into the firm muscles of his back, scratching him, marking him. It would be loud and noisy and animalistic.
